If you were ever lucky enough to be a young boy in the 1980s, there's no doubt you can remember rewinding a certain scene over and over again. Maybe you had a fancy button that did it automatically, but the way I remember it, somebody had to man the VCR like a member of the bomb squad. While most scenes that got this, um, delicate treatment usually contained a woman in a bedroom, the one that I can recall watching a million times in a row, involved, of all things, a doll on an elevator. [if you've got twenty seconds, you can check out what captured the minds of deviant youth here.]
|That's some real bullshit right there.|
No way Chucky's taking out a sheriff.
Back again but with Mark Hamil voicing Chucky this go-round, and featuring an all-too young Aubrey Plaza as a moderately trashy mom, this latest entry into the killer doll franchise is basically more of the same. A friendless kid gets a creepy-ass doll as a gift, and said doll is rather, well, overprotective. And oddly literal. Instead or riding bikes and reading books together, Chucky goes on a modest murder spree in the name of friendship. Because, well, of course he does.
Outside of the wee bit of nostalgia I have for the original, I never really got down with the sequels and all the Bride and Son level of nonsense. If this shit is your scene, you'll probably enjoy the reboot, but I'm tapping out here. I appreciated the integration of smart features in the doll, and how this is perhaps a bit of an allegory about our reliance on tech (a stretch, but still), but I came for the gore and even that didn't quite tickle the pickle. If you really want to see a killer doll, go ahead and check out Good Boy's. But more on that in a bit...
|Even still, she's probably too close to that f'n doll.|
|I'm fine. This is fine.|
- Hell, yes. Give it up for the ORION logo. 1987 foreverrrrrrrrrrrr!
- That's what you get for treating your Vietnamese factory workers like shit.
- Why does Plaza always look like she's thinking about how to get away with your murder? (and why do I dig it so much?)
- Ooohhh, that leg looks like it's not doing so well.
- There was a pretty wild jumpscare in this one that almost ended my damn life. Goodness.
- White guy dead in a watermelon patch. Poetic.
- Manager Guy taking it to the neck was brutal! That poor girl...
- And finally, at least Mark Hamil seems to be having fun. Sure, he might leave this one off the resume, but his voice is just creepy enough to be almost the worst thing ever.
|Watching me sleep? NOPE.|
- Goodness, Buddy, er, Chucky is a creepy little a-hole. Even his mullet freaked me out.
- There's a dude who looks like Jack Black that gets stabbed in the dick. I do not support this. Any of this.
- That Puck kid was a f--king prick.
- Oh, and do any of these little vagrants have parents? The Hell is this?
- Okay, whatever Buddibear is, that shit is pure nightmare fuel. *shudder*
- Uh, maybe we let another detective handle this? Dude, that's your mom.
- I'm convinced that drone attacks, in all movies, are basically the dumbest shit ever. This one wasn't Venom level stupid...but it was close.
- [When I was a kid, someone broke into a house that was being built nearby and spray-painted CHUCIE'S GONNA KILL YOU all over the kitchen cabinets. That combination of cajones and illiteracy haunts me to this day]
- And finally, even though horror has been leading the way for years, is this the end of the reboot madness? Or am I gonna have to see the Ghoulies in summer 2021. Because I will, but I'm not going to be happy about it. Or anything, if I'm honest.
I was going to try something new on this site, no, not writing something coherent you a-hole, but to combine two reviews into one single post (a Two Dollar Cinema Two-fer...uh, I suppose). The idea was born in the name of not only doing something different, but also with the thought that I could actually complete a post in under a decade. But as I rambled on...ah-gain, I simply couldn't pull it off. With all these post to do, and work starting up again...in hours...what am I gonna do?
Oh, right. Push fast forward.