Sunday, August 18, 2019

Why are you doing this?

If you were ever lucky enough to be a young boy in the 1980s, there's no doubt you can remember rewinding a certain scene over and over again. Maybe you had a fancy button that did it automatically, but the way I remember it, somebody had to man the VCR like a member of the bomb squad. While most scenes that got this, um, delicate treatment usually contained a woman in a bedroom, the one that I can recall watching a million times in a row, involved, of all things, a doll on an elevator. [if you've got twenty seconds, you can check out what captured the minds of deviant youth here.]

That's some real bullshit right there.
No way Chucky's taking out a sheriff.
Unfortunately, I'm not sure any part of the rebooted version of Child's Play captured much of anything, outside of my six bucks on Bargain Tuesday, that is.

Back again but with Mark Hamil voicing Chucky this go-round, and featuring an all-too young Aubrey Plaza as a moderately trashy mom, this latest entry into the killer doll franchise is basically more of the same. A friendless kid gets a creepy-ass doll as a gift, and said doll is rather, well, overprotective. And oddly literal. Instead or riding bikes and reading books together, Chucky goes on a modest murder spree in the name of friendship. Because, well, of course he does.

Outside of the wee bit of nostalgia I have for the original, I never really got down with the sequels and all the Bride and Son level of nonsense. If this shit is your scene, you'll probably enjoy the reboot, but I'm tapping out here. I appreciated the integration of smart features in the doll, and how this is perhaps a bit of an allegory about our reliance on tech (a stretch, but still), but I came for the gore and even that didn't quite tickle the pickle. If you really want to see a killer doll, go ahead and check out Good Boy's. But more on that in a bit...

Even still, she's probably too close to that f'n doll.
Speaking of things that can get f--ked, here are the Yays and Boos. We are the deepest in the hole we've ever been, probably a dozen films back, so, kind.

I'm fine. This is fine.
  • Hell, yes. Give it up for the ORION logo. 1987 foreverrrrrrrrrrrr!
  • That's what you get for treating your Vietnamese factory workers like shit. 
  • Why does Plaza always look like she's thinking about how to get away with your murder? (and why do I dig it so much?)
  • Ooohhh, that leg looks like it's not doing so well.
  • There was a pretty wild jumpscare in this one that almost ended my damn life. Goodness.
  • White guy dead in a watermelon patch. Poetic.
  • Manager Guy taking it to the neck was brutal! That poor girl...
  • And finally, at least Mark Hamil seems to be having fun. Sure, he might leave this one off the resume, but his voice is just creepy enough to be almost the worst thing ever. 
Watching me sleep? NOPE.
  • Goodness, Buddy, er, Chucky is a creepy little a-hole. Even his mullet freaked me out.
  • There's a dude who looks like Jack Black that gets stabbed in the dick. I do not support this. Any of this. 
  • That Puck kid was a f--king prick.
  • Oh, and do any of these little vagrants have parents? The Hell is this?
  • Okay, whatever Buddibear is, that shit is pure nightmare fuel. *shudder*
  • Uh, maybe we let another detective handle this? Dude, that's your mom.
  • I'm convinced that drone attacks, in all movies, are basically the dumbest shit ever. This one wasn't Venom level stupid...but it was close.
  • [When I was a kid, someone broke into a house that was being built nearby and spray-painted CHUCIE'S GONNA KILL YOU all over the kitchen cabinets. That combination of cajones and illiteracy haunts me to this day]
  • And finally, even though horror has been leading the way for years, is this the end of the reboot madness? Or am I gonna have to see the Ghoulies in summer 2021. Because I will, but I'm not going to be happy about it. Or anything, if I'm honest.
I was going to try something new on this site, no, not writing something coherent you a-hole, but to combine two reviews into one single post (a Two Dollar Cinema Two-fer...uh, I suppose). The idea was born in the name of not only doing something different, but also with the thought that I could actually complete a post in under a decade. But as I rambled on...ah-gain, I simply couldn't pull it off. With all these post to do, and work starting up hours...what am I gonna do?

Oh, right. Push fast forward. 


  1. I liked the old Child Play movies but I'm giving this a DVD watch instead of a theater one. Part of what made Child Play so good was how campy it was and this one doesn't seem like it's going in that direction.

    1. It's pretty campy, but not enough...if I remember correctly. I wanted to have a good time with it, and while there are parts, it was just kind of...pointless, you know? Like, why even bother, if you're not gonna go full-batshit.

      Goodness, I think we watched the old ones on VHS. Ouch.

  2. A hole you say. I am in such a hole with RF this week I am certain you will do better with the reviews - and thanks for that The Kitchen warning in the index holy shit it's gotta be bad. There is literally one topic in RF and I doubt it will improve in the next few days.

    I quite enjoyed this one. It's not good but it was fun and the kids were likable

    1. It's a huge, basically the whole damn summer. I'm rewatching old shit, simply so the hole doesn't grow...and I have an UNLIMITED cinema pass. I could go ten times a day!

      Hmmm...I wonder what the next RF is going to be about....I couldn't even imagine!

      It was...a little fun...but no, I hated those kids (outside of the main kid...he was aiight)

  3. Dude how cool was that Orion logo? That took me baaack. But yeah, this movie was pretty much a wash from the start. I did love reading this review and laughed out loud at: “There's a dude who looks like Jack Black that gets stabbed in the dick. I do not support this. Any of this.” I know exactly who you're talking about haha!

    1. So cool, man. So f'n cool.

      AW, I was absolutely convinced that a-hole was Jack Black at first, as this seemed like maybe something he could show up uncredited to...but alas, it was some other husky gent destined to take one in his peehole. Bummer...?