Wednesday, September 11, 2019

Holy shit, right?

I repeat, the only thing worse than not having a boyfriend or girlfriend, is, of course, having a boyfriend or girlfriend. 

While in my last post, we were talking about the beginning of a relationship, holy f--k, can we take a minute (or ten) to, about the end?

Those ain't sad tears, huh?
Like Peter and MJ before them (but replace all starry-eyed awwwws with bewildered looks guttural moans), up next is yet another borderline couple traveling abroad, Dani and Christian. But instead of being at the beck and call of a one-eyed secret agent, in Ari Aster's latest Midsommar, these two lovebirds are held in check by an unhealthy mix of curiosity and manners.

Like, yeah this shit is f--ked, but I'm kind of interested in where it's going...and...well, it would be pretty rude to just leave. Which is kind of how I felt about this movie.

About two minutes in, we realize that Christian is a shitty boyfriend, but Dani, likely due to immense trauma (more on that...if I can stomach it) doesn't seem to mind his aloofness all that much. And when a friend of Christian's invites them to a midsummer festival in Sweden, perhaps a rekindling of sorts is in the cards. Or equally likely, everything will end up infinitely worse and Christian will be stuffed in a f--king HOLLOWED-OUT BEAR and I will stumble to my car praying for the sweet release of death. You know, one if those.

It's been weeks since Grunden and I were passionately skullf--ked by the quiet awfulness of Midsommar. After Hereditary made me want to scurry up a wall and just f--king sit there like a demonic asshole, I'm not sure why I had to see what Mr. Aster could cook up this time. But I did, and I don't think I'll ever be the same because of it.

Grunden and I, twenty minutes in. (that's me on the right)
Visually, Midsommar is absolutely stunning, as the camera floats around devouring natural light like in an un-aired episode of Blue Planet (up next after Tidal Seas and Coasts, Incestuous Farms!). But when it's not beautiful, it's f--king ugly, as things go from really strange to monumentally f--ked faster than you can say there not going to jump, are they? 

As much as I appreciate shit that's not like anything else, I can't imagine I'd ever want to grind my way through Midsommar (or Hereditary) again. Aster is obviously a f--king wizard, and I have nothing but respect for what he does, but being punched in the dick by an artist...doesn't make it feel any better. And on that note, here are the Yays and Boos.

Grunden and I, two hours in. 

  • Even if everything else I say is stupid bullshit, know that Florence Pugh is a f--king goddess in this film. Just incredible.
  • The use of mirrors in some scene is straight f--king science.
  • That edit on the plane? Whoa.
  • Hey, this commune place is kind of like that town in Big Fish. Except instead of little girls stealing your shoes, it's young men STEALING YOUR FACE.
  • I still find myself thinking about that overhead shot at dinner. You know, so I don't think about other dinner.
  • That dude eyeing up Mark at dinner? Legend.
  • That dance was f--king magic. Well, dark magic, anyway. Dani looks beautiful, sure, but I was too on edge to ever relax. Or breathe, really. Still, for this seemed almost...inviting?
  • Oh, and whatever that song was, Dani repeated those lyrics like a champ.
  • Not that I'm really looking for more hands personally, but can we put ours together for the lady mashing in Christian's buttcheeks during....uh...the ritual? Team player, indeed.
  • Eventually, Christian finds himself, not only utterly bewildered, but running around nervously with his dick in his hand. Why is this a Yay? Because at that moment in the theater...I felt the same way. 
  • Much like I imagine people who survive a plane crash, everyone in the theater, upon exiting, was thisclose to embracing, I'm sure of it. We all kind of stopped in the hallway, sheepishly looked at each other, and half-laughed, you know? Like, we probably should have died in there, huh?
  • And finally, moments before that, let me give a tip of the cap to the ending of the film. If it ends two seconds earlier, I'm probably asking the theater manager to curb stomp me on the way to the car, just to end it all as quickly as possible. But that last little bit at the end? Now I just want that to hold me, because for a second there, I was in love.
Easily my favorite scene's in Hitch.
  • What the f--k, Aster? Can't you imply anything? One end of the hose was enough, for fuck's sake. We didn't need to make it to the other.
  • No offense, but Pelle seemed sketchy as f--k before we got to his murderous homeland, right?
  • The only thing worse than having to ask your girlfriend to join you on a guy's trip is hearing her say yes.
  • Alright, I know I'm not cool (I mean, obviously), but really? You f--kers say a quick hello, and then straight to the hallucinogens? Efficient.
  • What the f--k are these scrolls? (and where can I buy them for my classroom?)
  • The whole hilltop scene is too f--ked up to really get into. But a f--king flap? What's next, bashing some poor f--ker's head in for not dying? Oh, right.
  • You f--king college guys and your precious thesises. Theses? Thessssses. However you spell it, you're all assholes. Assholesess.
  • Was it just someone in my theater, or was there some weird running dialogue during some scenes? Oh, what's that? I was alone in the theater and those were the voices in my head? Uh, carry on then.
  • Of all the places to take a piss....
  • Yeah, that makes sense. Simon totally would have left Connie. This is a story we should all buy and not really question in the least.
  • Dude, I don't know it was pubes in the pie, or pie in the pubes, but either way...yum! (goodness, that was f--king awful)
  • Call me old fashioned, but if you really wanted someone to seal the deal, I feel like maybe dial back the bat-shit insanity just a wee bit, no? I don't think I could maintain elevation if I could simply hear those ladies, let alone see them and their angry beavers gyrating about.
  • And finally, how the Hell was this film released in theaters? More specifically, my theater in Bumf--k, Pennsylvania. We don't get all kinds of reputable shit, but this f--ker was available on more than one screen. How is this even remotely possible? Somewhere Lars von Trier is mashing in his agent's dick with a large block of wood.

Even if asking a girl (or a guy) out is pretty rough, I guess it's not that much of a stretch to say that breaking it off is significantly worse, right? Dumping someone is just the worst.

Or so they tell me. My finishing move was basically to just move to another state and never call or write again.

Okay, fine. That was probably a dick move. But I only did it once.

And if she felt any sort of burning sensation, at least it wasn't literal.


  1. Oh man, that dinner scene. I was sat there thinking why is this shot lingering for so long...why does his drink look different to the rest...OH. OHHHHH.

    1. The dinner scene was terrible.

  2. This movie was so wild, I really want to see the director's cut.

    I can't say I disagreed with the choice Dani made at the end with Christian...

    1. WHAT COULD THEY POSSIBLY HAVE LEFT OUT???? (I want to know...but I don't)

      Hahaha, nope. Guess that's was Christian gets for being an a-hole.

  3. I dont know know man, that cult life was nice. I'd get to play with animals, eat good food, get laid by someone who adored me. All for the small prize of jumping off the Cliff one day and luring morons there. Ah. Dreams 😂

    1. Play with animals? That's a plus.
      Good food? That's debatable. It looked tasty...but I like to floss after dinner, not DURING.
      Getting laid by someone who adored you? DID WE SEE THE SAME MOVIE?????


    2. I meant Pelle and Dani not that shit who rightfully burned 😂