Sunday, September 8, 2019

I need that. The world needs that.

The only thing worse than not having a boyfriend or girlfriend, is, of course, having a boyfriend or girlfriend. 

The f--k of it all starts early, frankly, as the whole asking the other person out process is generally the worst thing ever (ladies, you may not know how much inner-turmoil/explosive diarrhea the lead up is responsible for), a close second to breaking it off and ending it. Oh, sure...the middle, or at least the early middle is pretty f--king sweet, but it's bookended by utter f--king chaos.

Well, that's what I hear, I never asked out anyone. Nor was I ever dumped.

Um, officially.
Notice there's no Orlando sticker. Or Anaheim...

I'm likely too far removed to really tell you any of the finer points of Spider-Man: Far From Home, but the long and short of it goes like this: after being depressed three-thousand, Peter Parker heads abroad on a fairly epic high school field trip. More than the dream of just being a friendly neighborhood tourist, ol' Pete's really down for finding the perfect moment to ask M.J. to be his girlfriend (assuming that's still a thing, because when I see Zendaya now, I'm thinking dick pics and fentanyl, not do you like-like me? [circle one]). Anyway, I'd ask her at some really romantic time, like when Jaws pops out of the water at Universal...

But famed international boner killer Nick Fury intervenes, and with some mysterious threat looming, he's calling on the kid to, you know, keep the world safe. Thanks for that. Dick.

The threat, as I recall, both is and isn't Mysterio, who for the uninitiated is a bowl-headed inter-dimensional oddball. This a-hole has been (allegedly) battling some giant monsters known as The Elementals, and needs Peter's help in the fight.

Sort of?

The whole thing isn't what it seems, as Mysterio makes Loki's level of deception look like the cinematic equivalent of your grandfather pulling a coin out from behind your ear. And unfortunately for me, once I finally got my head around on what the Hell Mysterio was really up to...something else happened and I had to lie down. Forever.

Speaking of things that should probably never get back up, here are the Yays and Boos. Again, I tried to write a combo post (with my next review), and again, I failed miserably.

What's weird is my favorite monkey?
It used to be a spider monkey...

  • Sure did open quickly, right?
  • Everything about the blip was amazing. I had never really given the practical side of the snap much thought (outside of that GIF and the lady coughing up cinnamon, of course)...but dealing with it in high school...seems pretty rough.
  • I checked the rules, and yep, JB Smoove always gets a Yay. Regardless.
  • Ned with the nose boop! Aww.
  • The water-monster vs. Mysterio fight was top shelf...even if I guess it didn't actually happen?
  • Even though I hate Nick Fury for ruining Pete's plan, SLJ is as great as ever.
  • Take off your clothes! God, an actual woman asking me this would have actually killed me in high school. Would have went out on top, honestly...
  • I love Led Zeppelin!
  • Whoa, that drone fight? Pretty damn amazing. Those POV shots were wild.
  • I really like you. Awww, so adorable.
  • The credits were so rad. Pretty sure that Vacation by the Go Gos is already in the soundtrack HoF, but if not...this cements.
  • Matty announced TEN! even before I asked him what he'd give it. (though him answering a question I didn't ask is pretty much par for the course)
  • And finally, there was one mid-credits scene that I really, really loved. Not sure that it makes that he's back...but I'm totally here for it. (Oh, and I'm also not sure he's still back...but more on that in a bit)
Eye contact? No phones?
I thought Captain Marvel was the only one set in the 90s
  • I agree: don't call it the Peter tingle, Aunt May. Especially when I want her to tingle my Peter.
  • Who is this Brad guy? Piss off, Brad.
  • Speaking of guys I hate, it's good to see Flash is still an a-hole. (but, full disclosure, I love Flash)
  • You don't understand how much I love that sitting next to the teacher is still the worst thing ever.
  • Speaking of, Teacher Guy? Uh, we get it man, you suck. You can go ahead and dial it back now.
  • I wrote Damn that bell! I don't know why, but I'm assuming it's because it sucks. As does my memory.
  • Okay, let's be honest..the EDITH glasses look pretty f--king stupid.
  • Man, I was really holding out for the UK suit. Like, really really holding out for it.
  • Execute them all seemed poorly phrased, no?
  • Poor Happy. Not only do I think he lost May...but I'm assuming, contractually, he lost Peter, too.
  • And finally, what the Hell are we supposed to do with this ending? It's been months and I'm still not sure I understand it. I recall walking out of the theater thinking that with the final reveal, not only did nothing really make sense, but that ultimately...nothing really mattered. It's a bit like the end of Ant-Man and the Wasp, right? Like, that was fun...but it didn't really...count?
Obviously, this movie is about relationships, and it would appear, months later, that not only are nefarious forces trying to ruin Peter's love life, but so are the suits at Sony and Disney. While we hoped it would go on forever, turns out their affair was a bit fleeting.

At least...officially, anyway.


  1. "(outside of that GIF and the lady coughing up cinnamon, of course)"

    Not the reference I should read right before I see my boo being gorgeous and fighting the clown again tonight :D That's the....oral sex one right?

    Oh God, I am already in the gutter and it's still one hour till round two.

    1. That GIF still makes me laugh. So stupid/clever....I love it.

      I assume by the time you read this, you might on round 3. I have an unlimited pass, but not sure I'm up for seeing it again. Er, It...again.

    2. I'd go third time today but climaxing to death in front of people in the cinema while watching Bill on Friday 13th just seems like something that would happen to me so I am just gonna do that at home while watching his interviews on Conan, it’s less embarassing to die this way without Strangers 😂

    3. Luckily for all of us, I know that you survived Friday the 13th. Though I'm not sure if 'surviving' is the write word for this scenario you've created?

      Embarrassing? I think it sounds like an ideal way to go. Even in front of people, honestly.

    4. And he would probably attend the funeral if I went in such a way 😂 I actually have really good bullet point about my funeral in today's RF, I know you love it when I envision my end, like with that eaten by the dogs scenario 😂

  2. I liked this, especially Peter's friends, I thought they really shined this time around.

    I'm so happy JJJ is back. That's probably my favorite after credits scene ever aside from Nick Fury showing up after Iron Man.

    1. I only remember Ned, and that dude is always awesome. Zendaya is really fun as MJ as well. Oh, and the kid that plays Flash. Okay, you were right...friends = awesome.

      Is he back though? Does whatever the Hell happened with Disney and Sony f--k that up, or is JJJ exclusive to Sony? I was f--king stoked though. JK Simmons should be in everything.