Luckily, I suppose, the cinema is still there, well, the home cinema, and it's odd how my perception of every onscreen interaction has changed. Generally, I just marvel at all the people. Like, look at these (maskless) a-holes. Just loitering about with no shopping agenda.
But these two films? They have zero idea about social distancing. You find a stranger in the woods? Oh, girl, you leave his ass there and go home and bleach them hands. Space cat lands in your backyard? You shoot Garfield in his damn face and keep it moving. You ain't the Tiger King.
Like I said...starting to get real weird around here. Real weird.
Runtime: 93 minutes Rating: R
Audience: Me, Wife, Tom Nook
Status: Overwhelmed, nervous
We could show him some real southern hospitality.
I would have bet you twelve hundred dollars that I wasn't going to be into The Beguiled, mainly because Copolla's films haven't ever really been by my bag, but also because it looked like this remake would move with the speed of a southerner on a summer Sunday. Welp, let's just say I have never been so happy to be a top-shelf f--king idiot.
While most kids bring home a lost puppy or an abandoned baby bird, in The Beguiled a fine young lady brings home an enemy soldier. Even worse than those damned typical Yankee bluecoats, are the handsome ones straight from Dublin, who may or may not charm you with their piercing accents not to mention their gentle appreciation for nature, music and the virgin loins of a potentially underage girl. Wait, what? What the f--k?
Friends, maybe the one with Clint Eastwood is where it's really at, but I haven't seen the 1971 version so in that regard, f--k off with that shit. Let me tell you, straight up, I f--king loved this movie. For such a simple story with so few characters, it's an absolute rollercoaster of calamity. So much so, my heart almost stopped during the final act. Good thing it didn't, as my wife was all in on Animal Crossing, and likely would have tripped over my corpse after saving her progress, potentially injuring herself in the process. Crisis averted.
Yay: What makes a good woman, really? Young, flirtatious? Pretty, dependent? Slightly older, tall, can dutifully perform an amputation with household supplies?
Boo: Even if he ended up being human garbage, I still had some love for Colin Farrell UNTIL HE THREW A F--KING TURTLE ACROSS THE ROOM.
Homeschool Lesson of the Day: Fine, you don't always have to eat your vegetables.
Film: The Cat From Outer Space
Runtime: 104 minutes Rating: G
Audience: Entire Family
Status: Alarmed
Her kitty kat's not too bad, either.
At the end of the summer, typically, my kids sound a lot like me. Being that I'm a teacher, we seemingly spend every waking second of June, July and August together. Now that we've tacked March, April and May on top of that, I'm rather concerned. Assuming we go back to school in the fall, my kids' school is going to have two overwhelmingly sarcastic a-holes in it. Well, two more.
I only mention their let's enjoy this ironically attitude because it seems to be their guiding light these days. And when sifting through Disney+, their snarky laughing at how awful older films look tends to make them snicker we should watch that one. My wife, bless her heart, nods along proudly, thinking her children might grow up loving the classics. Me? I call their bluff. Okay, we'll watch it, but you have to finish the whole thing and, AND? You have to keep all the dumb comments to yourselves.
The Cat from Outerspace is as bizarre as you'd imagine - maybe even more so. A spaceship lands in a field, a telekinetic cat de-boards, and the government loses its shit. Must be the Russians! Quickly the cat befriends an already ridiculed scientist, naturally, and together they figure out that the only way to get Jake (the cat, obvs) back to his home planet...is by acquiring $120,000 worth of gold. I'm sorry, gold? So, obviously, they gamble on NFL games while having the cat block field goals with his magic mind powers to win the money, but that plan goes awry and they have to swindle some flunkies down at the local pool hall for it instead. Logical. From there, they end up in the longest mid-air slow-speed chase this side of The Last Jedi, Judge Boss Hogg hits his gavel and the movie immediately ends.
Yay: There is an epic pool-shot that is just the right level of absurd, and I can't stop thinking about it.
Boo: Man, for a Disney flick, these dudes throw the word pussy around to an uncomfortable degree.
Common Thread (Adult Lesson of the Day): Teamwork most certainly makes the dream work, especially when the situation is a f--king nightmare.
Of course you did!!! If Eastwood's version is better, I'm going to have a helluva time then. CF was a bit manipulative, wasn't he? I mean, I bought that he was all in on Edwina.
ReplyDeleteThe only one that was terrifying was Fanning. Everybody else seemed legit. To me.
The Beguiled was so bad. Which you know... I actually haven't liked any Sofia Coppola's movies... there, I said it, I think she's overrated..
ReplyDelete* runs and hides *
No, no, nooo. Come back! I also never really dig Sofia Coppola movies, either. I just find them pretty...to look at it (doesn't hurt Dunst is in some of them, too), but that's about it.
DeleteThat said, I thought this one was sooooo ridiculous, I loved it. And obviously, I had way too much fun with it. Oh well, guess it's just me on this one. And that damn Space Cat bullshit.