That was so graphic!

You guys, I don't even remember her name. Hell, I'm not even sure she had a name. Everybody in the neighborhood called her Granny. Uh huh.

Now this is Texas in the early eighties, mind you, essentially what normal society was like two hundred years ago. Granny was a tiny, badass lady that was not to be f--ked with, even though my older brothers would often try. Eventually, those pricks would age out, and I would be the only kid from my family sent two streets up to sit with Granny. Even when I was too old, I had to go. Go up there and share a frozen pizza with her, Mario. I mean, she was your babysitter.

Even though she was an older, more experienced woman, looking back, I never wanted to kiss her.
But to her credit, I was never really afraid that she would kill me.

In fact, I was afraid she might die.

Unfortunately for Cole, the main dude in McG's wicked Netflix romp The Babysitter, the lady watching him ain't gonna die anytime soon. In fact, she's pretty much the f--king Terminator. But that's not necessarily a bad thing, at least not initially, as Bee (Samara Weaving, rocketing to the top of my favorite people alive list) is not only the best babysitter alive, she just might be the baddest bitch on the planet, too.

It all starts so innocently, as Cole (the incredibly chill Judah Lewis) wants to lament the fact that he's way too old to have a sitter, but Bee's simply too f--king cool. And when Cole's parents (the deduo of Ken Marino and Leslie Bibb!), head to a hotel for the weekend [to have sex, naturally], Cole's actually pretty stoked. Or he would have been, if Bee didn't absolutely murder the f--k out of some dude she brought over.

Wait, what?

Yeah, and worse, up next on her murder spree, is you guessed it, Cole of all people, as Bee and her cult need some pure-ass blood. Well, not ass blood-ass blood, I'm pretty sure the cephalic vein will do. And yeah, I looked that up, f--k off.

Who should also f--k off, is basically anyone that doesn't like this movie. Yes, it's f--king ridiculous, but it's also entertaining as Hell. Maybe I don't watch enough movies (I don't), or maybe I just watch the wrong movies (I do), but this f--ker stunned me with how over-the-top insane it was. Oh, and can I mention that I didn't even know Weaving was in this? I thought the violent chaos of Ready or Not [review] was something special she did, but after this and Mayhem [review], it turns out for Weaving? It was Tuesday.

You know what would be super fun? If everybody handed their clothes to someone else.

Speaking of things that don't count anymore (the day of the week, not Weaving), let's have a proper turn with the Yays and Boos, shall we? COVID-19 Cinema isn't cancelled just yet, but according to my Republican friends, not only is the pandemic over....turns out it never even happened. Wow. Who knew?

In these trying times...more Bibb will help us get through this.
Together.

Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!

• No one learns anything in class, Cole. Not anymore!
• Holy shit is Leslie Bibb getting even finer with age. Oh, and as much as I love her, I'd totally dip my balls into Ken Marino, you know? 
• Seriously, if not for Tucci and Clarkson, they just might be the best movie parents ever.
• A little too heavy on the Star Trek for me, but Bee's Save the Universe roster was f--king great (and delivered heroically).
• Wow, that was quite the kiss..es.
• Holy shit, I thought when the cops showed up, it might deescalate things. IT DID NOT.
• That blood in John's face running joke was so f--king gross, you can't help but totally approve.
• And if it wasn't bad enough for poor John, his demise is absolutely bananas! Like, I'd say he should get some award for that death scene...but I think he already did?
• Double mousetrap hands is something I'd never thought I'd see. Or love. But here we are.
• Okay, Quarterback Guy (or Shirtless Guy) is kind of terrible, but I grew to f--king adore him. And I don't know whose idea it was to have him kiss Cole on the forehead, but that KILLED me.
• Oh, and speaking of kisses, if I was a twelve-year old kid, the one that the neighbor girl landed on Cole would have been my mission in life. I'm married now, so my goals now are just basic human affection.
• Ah, the boob punch. Well, the boob 900 hit combo. Ineffective? Yes. But if he was going to die, might as well go out on top.
• Ten. And two.
• Holy shit, I did not see that coming! Good thing they took the roof of his treehouse earlier that week, huh?
• And finally, the wildly kickass Samara Weaving. Obviously, I'm late to the party, but holy shit is she tremendous here (and everywhere). I really don't watch any movie again, well, at least one that doesn't have talking animals in it, but I'd be up for a rewatch of any of Weaving's flicks in a heartbeat. 

I dare you to stay up tonight.
Uh, that won't be a problem.

Boooooooo!

• I know it's the point, but holy Hell, those bully kids were f--king awful. Especially the Head F--ker. (though I dug how we was irredeemable)
• As was Neighbor Girl's dad. What a douche. Did I miss something, or did that clown not get his comeuppance?
• What were the cups for? No, seriously, were they planning on drinking it?
• Was it clear why the one girl took a bullet in the titty and was more or less only annoyed by it? I'm not complaining...just unclear.
• That (inadvertent) spider flip into a mousetrap was so f--king problematic, I'm pretty sure I literally slapped my own forehead. Can't a dude catch a break?
• Um, how'd that dude get hanged? (and why isn't it hung?) Seems like we could have set that up a little bit better, no?
• I wish all girls were like you. Um, no. 
• And finally, there is a lot of sick shit in this one, which is fine, but f--k me in the goat ass those needle close ups were entirely uncalled for. That shit is terrible implied, but jammed in our faces? No thanks. (oh f--k, and the fact that she couldn't find a good vein? F-----------------------kkkk thissssss) [Reminds me of a time I gave blood and it must have been the lady's first day...]

Of all the things I miss in quarantine, movies thankfully aren't on the list (but going to them certainly is). Friends, co-workers, sports (the Bruins were sooo good), the general idea of doing whatever...I long for all of it. But what I truly miss the most? Like, above everything else???


Needing someone to watch my kids.