Tuesday, June 2, 2020

It's the best bad idea.

I have to be honest with you, fake shit really ain't cutting it anymore. 

Real life has become more dramatic and compelling than anything Hollywood could ever come up with, and when my kids aren't around, I can't seem to turn off the news. And it's all so unrelentingly terrible, it's like the longest horror movie ever.

And that was when it was just the f--king pandemic.

Prior to the nightly/rightly burning of America, I decided to give The Lovebirds a shot. It's not a stretch to say that the trailer was a bit eye-rolly, but both Rae and Nanjiani are funny and talented enough individually, you'd think Voltron-ing them together would guarantee some laughs. And it totally delivers.

Some laughs.

Leilani and Jibran were that couple, the one that seemingly everyone around them envied. When we really settle in with the titular lovebirds, it appears their relationship has finally  run its course. And just as their personal shit hits the fan, some random dude hits their windshield. The cop in pursuit commandeers their car and runs the dude over multiple times. Shit.

And just like that, instead of clearing their heads after a bad break-up, Leilani and Jibran must clear their names after a grisly murder. I mean, they could just go to the authorities and explain themselves, but...nah. It would be way better to follow a series of dicey-at-best leads with a person who minutes ago you never wanted to speak to again. Yeah, that makes sense.

Some sense.
What doesn't make any sense, would be to go much further with this post. If you are willing to trade ninety-plus minutes for a handful of moderate laughs, have at it. For me, for whatever reason, this flick was like one of my grandmother's Christmas presents: it meant well, but deep down I was still kind of hoping for something other than what I ended up with. Let's see if the Yays and Boos are any better than, say, a T-shirt from a local museum.

That drug store had some dope clothes, right?
  • It's completely ridiculous, but I very much appreciated their Amazing Race argument. I'm convinced my wife and would not only lose, but we'd totally get divorced on air in front of the Eiffel Tower. 
  • The bit out the extra cup of milkshake made me laugh, probably more than it should have.
  • The fire extinguisher to the hip was peak self-defense.
  • Their handling of frat guy/Date Rape McGee was the right kind of stupid. Jibran's aggressiveness was extraordinary.
  • The Lyft driver low-key singing along is the kind of small detail that I always f--king kill me.
  • Do you think they're going to call more numbers?
  • Freaky cult or not, that was a pretty smooth trick with the masks,
  • And finally, even though this one really didn't land with me, I really hope to see more of Rae and Nanjiani on the big, uhhh, screen. Fine, technically, this one never hit the theaters, but still. Both leads are super-funny (in a very understated way), and despite a bunch of fairly-stupid quirky movie situations, their chemistry felt genuine.
Where do you get one of those masks? Asking for a friend.
  • Did you see the trailer? Feel free to skip the first ten minutes.
  • Aca-what the Hell? Was that the chick from Pitch Perfect? I almost didn't recognize her out of her flight attendant uniform (or, covered in vomit). [the Boo is you can never have enough Anna Camp]
  • Petty, sure, but how the Hell did they figure out what apartment to enter from the outside of the building? Yes, I'm That Guy.
  • Wow, they clean up nicely. We were one Sixpence None the Richer hit-single from the climax of She's All That
  • That Eyes Wide Shut amphitheater really came out of nowhere, didn't it? Two seconds ago, they were at street level, and just like that, they're seated in row DD of the upper orchestra section.
  • Jeez, Cop Guy explains his intentions with all the subtlety of Scooby Doo villain.
  • A cigarette lighter aids in their escape. Good thing they were in the last car ever to have one of those. Maybe they could have thrown a Trapper Keeper at him instead?
  • And finally, it might actually be charming how sort of old-school throwaway this movie is. Clearly, The Lovebirds isn't aiming to change the world, and that's okay. I simply wish it would have been a little bit better. 
Bitching about a movie not being all that funny seems like a privilege these days, so I'm going to quit while I'm ahead. Actually, speaking of privileges (at this point), it's June 2nd in Pennsylvania, or, the date of our primary election. Time to go vote. By mail. I mean, we are still in a f--king pandemic, right? It won't take but a minute to drop my ballot off downtown.

As long as I can get there before the protest starts. 


  1. I don't know whether to laugh or sigh after reading this. I mean, you're a masochist. Twice over! I don't know how anyone could watch the news and stay sane at the moment, I'm already depressed enough!

    I agree that both these two are funny, especially the dude in Silicon Valley, he plays that character perfectly. But, but... you saw the trailer! You knew what was coming!

    An argument about the amazing race... as in that TV show? That woulda been a highlight, that show was bizarre. And yes, laughing more than you should have is a GOOD thing! I'm glad it was in the yays :)

    Honest question, do you really watch the news regularly? watching that shit over there must be super fucking intense, in a really fucking terrible, awful way right? A horror movie indeed, but a long, extended one that doesn't stop when you leave your house.

    Fuuuuck. =\

    I honestly feel for you guys in the States, I cannot begin to imagine what it is like, especially if close to big cities. Stay safe mate, and turn off the TV!!

    1. It's definitely a f--king shit-show, to say the least. I feel bad enough about what's happening, and then to top it off, I feel shitty about not really doing anything about it. My sister went to a protest yesterday, for f--k's sake.

      As for this flick, the leads are really funny. Nanjiani could probably play this guy in his sleep, but, as you said, he's good at it so f--k it.

      They are debating whether or not as a couple they could win The Amazing Race and it's just the right level of petty bullshit that eventually all relationships trudge into (and not being in it, makes it borderline hysterical)

      Man, I watch the news ALL THE TIME. For months it was just watching the death-toll rise (and the thing where kids where getting mysteriously ill...that was a blast), but now, it's just nightly protest/riot coverage. Some of the live shit is so f--king compelling/mortifying I can't look away. And when I do? I almost feel guilty. Like, people are seriously risking their shit...and I'm going to watch f--king Hulu???

      Thanks for the comment, man. Very cool of you. Maybe I'll read a book or something? Or play some old-school video games...something...

  2. I think we landed at about the same place. I did laugh, but I wanted to laugh a lot more. This was just okay.

    1. Sorry, it's been forever...things are crazy.

      Yeah, it was fine. Nothing super memorable, but....eh. Couple good laughs, I guess. Not that I recall anything...from anything.

  3. You got it exactly right. The two leads have great chemistry but the movie around them is meh un every possible way. That's fine except the opening montage of the falling in love was somr Up level film-making. And then we got THAT for the rest of the runtime. Sigh.

  4. Honestly, started strong...and then just kind of settled into average to below average fish-out-of-water nonsense. Eh, maybe next time...