I don't know what it's like where you are (probably better, I'll assume), but in my part of Pennsylvania, in terms of quarantine stages, we've just recently moved from RED to YELLOW. For some people, this move down down the rainbow doesn't mean much of anything, but for fellow mask-wearing anti-Americans like myself, I think it means we can kind of go back to a version of normal life. Sort of. Small gatherings are cool again, childcare is open, retail stores are back...I mean, wow, right? I'm sure everyone will be totally be responsible and this quarantine thing will all be a distant memory.
In honor of crowded beaches and everything working out just fine, I'm going to suspend COVID-19 Cinema at the conclusion of this post. F--k you coronavirus, full-length features are back! Uh, once or twice a month.
Because, as good science will tell you, if you get bored of doing something, stop doing it, jackass. Even if it was totally working. (and even if you weren't bored)
Pokemon Detective Pikachu
Runtime: 104 mins Rating: PG
Audience: Violet, Dad, Marilyn
Status: Gotta Catch Some Zzzz's
I was in college when the Pokemon craze hit, and outside of some enthusiastic friends of mine that played it ironically (sophomore year, sigh), I have little personal experience with Pikachu and friends. My son has Shield...or Sword, but that's about the extent of it.
But when I saw the trailer for Detective Pikachu, I was in, not only because it looked cool, but I figured it might be another avenue to reach the requisite weird kid in class, because that little a-hole typically eats and shits all things Jigglypuff.
Turns out, my 6 y/o daughter Violet might just be that weird kid, and has taken to catching them all. Okay, not really, but she digs it enough so it was time to finally sit down and see what the Hell this is all about. And after seeing it? Honestly...uh...I still don't know.
As far as I can tell, there is a world (or a place) where every human has a Pokemon, and they all kind of co-exist. Some kid's estranged father dies mysteriously (shocker), and he has to investigate what happened to his dearly departed dad. The kid doesn't really know where to begin until he meets a Pikachu, who for some strange reason...he can fully understand. From there? Yeah, no clue.
Yay: There's a sequence early on where enraged monkey-things are attacking and it's, well, bananas.
Boo: I love Ryan Reynolds, but this dude's voice it too damn distinct to be Pikachu. I half expected his to drop an f-bomb and electrocute someone's balls off. (the Boo is that he totally didn't)
Homeschool Lesson of the Day: See, kids. Even Pokemon use primary sources in their research.
Girl on the Third Floor
Runtime: 93 mins Rating: R
My wife and I just bought a house. A big house. A big house...we've never stepped foot in. What could possibly go wrong?
According to the moderately unsettling Girl on the Third Floor, quite a bit, actually. First, it could end up being a lot more work than anyone expected, but...well, that's to be expected. More pressing, the idea that a super-sexy bra-less woman might stop by and f--k everything. Up and over. Wait, what?
See, for this a-hole named Don, a tattooed monster with a lovely wife and a kid on the way, renovating this house was supposed to be a fresh start, but instead becomes a fresh Hell. Though the house is mysterious enough as it is (turns out it used to be an infamous whorehouse), when this woman named Sarah shows up and shags Don mostly off-screen (the f--k?), that's when things unravel entirely. Uh huh. The black goo ejecting form the pipes is one thing, but I'd be more worried about the marbles being shit out of the wall. Real worried.
Girl on the Third Floor is quite the f--king ride. While it feels sometimes needlessly campy, it can also can look like big-budget horror at times, too. The acting is a bit all over the place, but fully acceptable considering what's happening on screen. Oh, and when it gets gory, sweet zombie Jesus it gets gory. I'll never look at a utility knife the same way ever again, that's for damn sure.
Yay: CM Punk is basically Bruce Campbell 2.0, sending the Evil Dead vibes are off the damn charts.
Boo: For a movie about a demonic prostitute in an abandoned whorehouse you'd think a boob or two would be featured. You'd think.
Common Thread (Adult Lesson of the Day): Sometimes, what you're looking for the most, is actually right inside you.