Rebirth of Slick: May 2022

 I have been dreading this moment for over a year now. 

This site, whatever it currently is and whatever it ultimately will be, has always been based on two guiding ideas. It's not a memo, it's a mission statement. One, I will write about every single movie I see (in the order I see them). And two, these 'writings' will be painfully unfunny and suggest (both grammatically and thematically) that I didn't receive a formal education beyond late-elementary school. 

My wife is pretty strict about PDA.

For almost ten years, I banged out around 900 posts (you could call them reviews...but you shouldn't), and maintained the above standards. But then, after a year or two of fighting the good fight, I couldn't do it anymore. I got a new job (teaching two new subjects), my kids grew up (and needed to be in places that weren't my house [at all times]), bought a new house, got another dog, and perhaps most site-crushingly of all, I got old. And so did my wife. She couldn't make it through a late-night movie twenty years ago, so we took those f--kers off the table. TV shows (sigh) became our thing...and friends, that ain't cinema. (oh, they're f--king great, sure, but there was no way in Hell I was going to burden myself with writing about shows, too). 

Uh, hate to tell you this my guy, but...no one gives a f--k about this site anymore. Fully aware of this Italics Friend, but that's okay. I just appreciate the fact that they once did. Even if just a little.

With that, let's pack some taters in a leather satchel, and arm-in-hairy arm, and begin our long and arduous journey to the depths of Mordor. But instead of tossing the ring into molten lava, let us instead cast judgments (mostly unfair and illogical) of the last year-plus of consumed movies into the fiery depths of Mount Doom. Apparently, all I needed to start this journey was a charged laptop, a week's vacation in Delaware, and a dusty boombox cranking the Barbie soundtrack...on CD. So here goes...nothing.

I want to dig out month-by-month, but like every goddamned war movie ever, there will be no man left behind. And to that, there is one last movie from May of last year that I basically refused to write about. 

Title: Midway

Year Released: 2019

Stars: Lots, including Mandy Moore, Patrick Wilson and a Jonas Brother.

Overall Percentage I still Remember: Is f--k all a percentage? Fine, 2%.

What You Should Know: The students I showed this to, actually almost gave a shit about what happened during the Battle of Midway. The year was over, summer was looming, but this sumbitch had enough star-power to keep them moderately engaged...when their phones died.

Yay! Sweet Jesus Patrick Wilson is a handsome man. 

Boo! There's a scene where a pilot dies immediately after taking off, as there's a malfunction, and his plane crashes and sinks, like, right in front of everyone. It's horrible. Turns out the true version is much, much worse. In reality, he actually made it out of the cockpit, got out on to the wing of the plane only to get his shoe stuck in a flap. As he was feverishly trying to yank it off, the pilot was pulled under and drowned. 

Should Be Noted: Despite what I just said above, the general vibe [from my minutes-long research] suggests that Midway is actually one of the more historically-accurate war movies ever produced. Huh.

On to June.