Thursday, December 15, 2011

I. Deserve. To die.

Oh, how the mighty have fallen. Nic Cage, Nicole Kidman and even director Joel Schumacher have all been at some time in their careers relatively legitimate and/or bankable. But last night's film, Trespass, is an alarming sign that things aren't what they used to be. I mean, in 2011, I made more money in the United States than this film did. And I'm a teacher. At a charter school. [for the record, this one raked in just over 24k at the box office]

W-w-wait a minute. Where's Ice-T?
Do you like shouting? I mean, screw talking ever, and let's-just-scream-at-each-other-always type of communication? If you even considered that worthless question, this might be the movie for you. Outside of the first ten minutes or so, Trespass is basically a house full of people yelling constantly. It does add some occasional tension, but it also gets aggravating. It's like that kick-ass YouTube compilation of The Wicker Man, except not as cool. Oh Cage, you crazy, inconsistent, cracker.

Speaking of, Cage has three modes in this movie: 1) Slimy/Douchey Businessman (characterized by fast-talking lunacy) 2) Rage-Filled Monster (heavy on the shouting and the spitting, here) and 3) Guy Who Just Wants to Die (lots of crying + a dash of shouting about just killing him already). I think if I drank, I could have had an absolute blast watching this. Unfortunately, I was very sober and just kind of saddened by the whole thing. Not only has Cage lost his ability to be subtle, but he basically looks like a circus freak, too. Look up at that poster. Scary. Just, scary.

It can't be all bad, right? Right. For starters, Nicole Kidman is still pretty sexy. I liked her as the bored -yet totally hot and rich- housewife. I did. And to be fair, as ridiculous as things get, the story moves quickly enough that it is relatively entertaining, even if it's in a so bad it's awesome kind of way. But as my man The Wolf once so eloquently put it: Well, let's not start sucking each other's d*cks quite yet. Here's a small (yet tasty) sample of the awful:

You're on a need-to-know basis... and you don't need to know.
  • The kid at the party the daughter goes to? Almost out-douched Cage. Wrap your head around that possibility.
  • Robbing a house? Here's a tip. Don't assemble the worst crew ever. Especially Druggie McSlutface. She's a bit of a wildcard.
  • Shittiest Employee of the Month Award: Goes to Security Dispatch Lady. Good God was she terrible.
  • Cage sporadically manhandles some of the intruders. Um, no. Not buying that. I'd take one-handed Moonstruck Cage before this iteration.
  • I have a lot of money. I have to hide it. Let me think of the least practical place ever created on Earth. Oh, and let that place be the location of the final fiery showdown. Sounds like a plan!
I know, I lied to you. I said I would stop watching crappy movies. My bad. Oh, hey - my sister just got me two kick-ass horror movies for Christmas: Tucker and Dale vs. Evil  and Pontypool. Awesome, right? What's that? You didn't get me anything? It's okay, baby.

There's still time.

1 comment:

  1. The Security Dispatch Lady sucked in this....Poor Cage...this was a dud unfortunately. Was waiting for it to be over, even with the short running time.