Monday, December 5, 2011

It's going to be very hard to unsee that.

I hate this so much I actually love it.
Even if you already have, look at that poster over there. I mean really look at it. Holy shit, right? Imagine that hundreds of people went to work everyday to make that. Then imagine that I actually watched it. And spent money on it, too. Okay, it was thirty-two cents, but still. I probably would have had a better time if I'd have simply eaten the coins used to Redbox this one. I imagine my ass would have felt the same either way.

Look at it. Seriously. Look at that poster. That actually exists. You want to know what's even crazier? In the movie, they don't even go on a motherf***ing roller-coaster.

Okay, I might be overselling it, but Zookeeper really does suck. I know, surprise! I wanted to give it a shot not only so I would have a Z movie on the review index (and this truly is a Z-movie), but I thought it would be something that I could watch with my son that wasn't a certain Pixar movie that will remain nameless for the time being. Here was the pitch:

Matty: Whatchoo watchin', Daddy?
Me: The Monkey Movie. You want to watch it with me?
Matty: Nooooo...I don't want to watch the monkey movie. I watch Cars 2!

He can't believe animals can speak. I can't believe you're reading this.
My son must have known what we were in for, but I persisted. And, actually, he hung in there. For nine minutes. Then, I was left alone. Just me and the talking animals. And Kevin James.

This scene is actually kind of funny. Damn it.
James showed promise in Hitch. He really did. Other than that, his cinematic career has been pretty lackluster. The guy is funny. He has plenty of charisma. But he's on the way to Rob Schnieder territory.

Occasionally though, he is pretty amusing. Oh, not nearly enough to warrant an entire viewing of this movie, but enough that I didn't consider ejecting the disc and urinating all over it. Isn't that what everybody does with Redbox movies? Can't be just me...

Three quick positives? 1) Rosario Dawson. She gets more beautiful every time I see her. The pinnacle for me is probably Clerks II, but there's room to discuss. 2) Boston setting. Not really important other than Donnie Wahlberg getting to speak his native tongue for each of his seven lines and the occasional shot of the T.  3) Kickstart My Heart. It's a state law that Motley Crew makes everything better. Even talking animal movies.

Three quick negatives? 1) Joe Rogan. You know it just got classy when the host of Fear Factor shows up as Douchey McDoucher. 2) Leslie Bibb's character. Okay, Bibb, you're hot and nine feet tall - cool. But this is the worst woman ever put to film. 3) Five people wrote this. And by "wrote" I mean watched every movie ever made where a dorky guy tries to change who he is to get the pretty girl when it turns out that he would be happier with his surprisingly (to him, only) super-hot female friend who in the end likes him for who he really is and set it in a "magical" zoo.

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