|Explosions! Guys, um, flying. Radical! |
At least they're not on a roller coaster, I guess.
I know, whatever you just called me in your mind (or aloud) - I deserve that.
Initially, though it was cheesy, the video-game style introductions were interesting enough. Once we know the characters, the basic conflict is thrown our way. What is it, you foolishly ask? Eight guys must run, I mean, use their mesmerizing parkour skills to collect three flags placed throughout the city. And for some reason, people seem to like watching these races and even bet on them. It's funny, during the races, they'll cut to the audience watching online - and those bastards are loving it. They are having at least 900% more fun than we are. Whatever. Occasionally a guy does a flip over something and you think; that's cool, but it'd probably be faster if you didn't bother with the floor routine, asshole. At least I did.
|At least the blonde lets the girls breathe for a minute.|
- The script. Everything is so thoroughly explained it's offensive. I'm surprised the writers didn't include a note in the blu ray case detailing how to play the disc. And then there's...
- The Main Bad Guy. Cliches must have been on sale that day. Not only does he smoke a cigar, but he has a large, black bodyguard, too. And this guy? Dude's bald. And, and, has an eyepatch. He also surrounds himself with titties. Bad ones.
- You're racing down an alley and there's a person crouching in the road. Run around them? No way, bro. You do a front flip over them. Extreme!
- Sweet zombie Jesus! The rich guys who bet on the final race? Each guy is more stereotypical than the previous. Factory Owning Japanese Guy! Oil Tycoon/Southern Douche! Uppity British/Potentially Gay Guy! Frenchman! Jersey Mob Scumbag! Where's Pirate Man and Rap Guy when you need them?
- And their acting abilities? Shockingly, not good. They simulate typing by wiggling their fingers mostly off camera. It hurt my life. For real.
|What's funnier than a head explosion? Nothing.|