I can't find the wrench.

There was a death in the family yesterday and me and my wife (and ever our young son, Matty) are not sure how to deal with the loss. It was one of those unexpected things that came out of nowhere and blindsided all of us. As we pick up the pieces and make final arrangements, I honestly think that there was an amazing act of nobility in the final moments, as truly frightening as it was. This post will be a sincere tribute to that brave soul. Godspeed. You left us too soon.

My 50-inch plasma television tried to save me. I swear to you it did. I was watching Lars von Trier's Antichrist and my TV f--king exploded. I'm not bullshitting you in the least.

As my son slept soundly upstairs in his room, my dog Dodger and I were trying to stomach this film. Antichrist opens inexplicably enough, but my pup and I had made it to a scene where Willem Dafoe finds some strange thing in the woods. He bends down to touch it, and he is startled (and we were scared shitless oursleves) to find it's a fox. The fox sort of hisses at him. Dafoe stares at it, bewildered. But there's another fox, and this one is a bloody f--king mess. It unfurls itself, ripping apart its flesh and exposing its internal organs. We cut back to the first fox, and it says in a rather sinister voice:

Chaos reigns.

And I swear to you, f--king promise you, this is the moment my TV offed itself in one of the loudest f--king noises I've ever heard. BOOM! For a second, I thought it was the movie and was thrilled (though I might've half-pissed myself). But once I realized it was simply my eleven hundred dollar television saying goodbye/f--k you? Well, I understood then I'd made a bad decision. No, not that I wasted that much money on a television. And no, not the fact that I didn't buy a warranty for that television. What I did that was truly a bad call? I continued watching the movie (on my laptop).

It doesn't matter what this movie is about. At all. There's a story here, I suppose, but if you can make it all the way through and still give a shit, leave your address below and I'll send you a dollar. Maybe two. From the opening scene where graphic sex is juxtaposed with the death of a toddler, von Trier lets you know, yeah, it's this kind of party. The thing is, friends, that ain't the half of it. Go ahead and think of ten things you wouldn't want to see put to film, and I'm pretty sure you'll see about seven of them. If this makes you curious, stop reading now. Otherwise, I'm going to forgo the Yays and Boos altogether and go with a new breakdown format. Introducing the No F--king Ways.

No F--king Way!!!!!!!!!!

• The deer. It's cool that it's a bit creepy in that it appears in random places. What's not so cool, is that half an unborn fawn is hanging out of it. Always.
• Imagine you wake up and there's some sort of fungus/rock/crystal thing growing on your hand. Well, that's what you get for sleeping with your hand out the damn window all night. You know, 'cause that happens.
• I'm a grieving mother who just lost her son to a tragic accident where he fell to his death. Guess what I don't want to see? A baby hawk fall out of the nest and instantly be eaten by ants while still alive. That's an oddly horrible coincidence. Oh wait, here comes the mother hawk to rescue it. Wish I could have done tha---. Aw damn, she's eating the baby. Gross.
• That horrible noise you hear always. Oh, that's just the acorns. You heard me. The. A. Corns.
• Seems I've already mentioned the talking fox. No need to do that again. Well...I mean...again, again.
• There was so much frontal nudity I actually grew tired of it. Yeah, you read that right. Remember what category these bullets are in.
• Speaking of the naughty bits, each sex scene in this movie gets worse. When she's begging to be hit while riding him? Oh, it's going to get worse. When she's masturbating furiously in the forest? Not even close. It's going to a level you can't imagine. And when it gets there? Yep. WORSE!!!
• That precious little one that passed away? Well, they have his autopsy report. Nothing too bad, just a slight abnormality in the bone structure of his feet. Just wait until you find out why. Yeah.
• Have you ever seen someone drill through a man's leg, stick their finger in the wound, after bashing in his erection with a huge block of wood? I have.
• So, the Green Goblin scurries into a fox hole to hide. Fine. What's this? A half-buried wing? Weird. Oh jeez - it's moving. Wait. It's an entire crow. And it's alive! It's a miracle. Might as well bash the f--k out of it.
• And finally, the end. We've got berry eating and a 1,000 faceless women. No f--king way.

Look, I'm an idiot. Clearly. I'm sure this movie's brilliant and everything is beautifully symbolic and relevant. Despair, grief, loss and overcoming an unexpected tragedy are the overwhelming themes of von Trier's work, right? Right.

Well, try losing a TV.