Wednesday, December 12, 2012

I can't find the wrench.

There was a death in the family yesterday and me and my wife (and ever our young son, Matty) are not sure how to deal with the loss. It was one of those unexpected things that came out of nowhere and blindsided all of us. As we pick up the pieces and make final arrangements, I honestly think that there was an amazing act of nobility in the final moments, as truly frightening as it was. This post will be a sincere tribute to that brave soul. Godspeed. You left us too soon.

My 50-inch plasma television tried to save me. I swear to you it did. I was watching Lars von Trier's Antichrist and my TV f--king exploded. I'm not bullshitting you in the least.

As my son slept soundly upstairs in his room, my dog Dodger and I were trying to stomach this film. Antichrist opens inexplicably enough, but my pup and I had made it to a scene where Willem Dafoe finds some strange thing in the woods. He bends down to touch it, and he is startled (and we were scared shitless oursleves) to find it's a fox. The fox sort of hisses at him. Dafoe stares at it, bewildered. But there's another fox, and this one is a bloody f--king mess. It unfurls itself, ripping apart its flesh and exposing its internal organs. We cut back to the first fox, and it says in a rather sinister voice:

Chaos reigns.

And I swear to you, f--king promise you, this is the moment my TV offed itself in one of the loudest f--king noises I've ever heard. BOOM! For a second, I thought it was the movie and was thrilled (though I might've half-pissed myself). But once I realized it was simply my eleven hundred dollar television saying goodbye/f--k you? Well, I understood then I'd made a bad decision. No, not that I wasted that much money on a television. And no, not the fact that I didn't buy a warranty for that television. What I did that was truly a bad call? I continued watching the movie (on my laptop).

It doesn't matter what this movie is about. At all. There's a story here, I suppose, but if you can make it all the way through and still give a shit, leave your address below and I'll send you a dollar. Maybe two. From the opening scene where graphic sex is juxtaposed with the death of a toddler, von Trier lets you know, yeah, it's this kind of party. The thing is, friends, that ain't the half of it. Go ahead and think of ten things you wouldn't want to see put to film, and I'm pretty sure you'll see about seven of them. If this makes you curious, stop reading now. Otherwise, I'm going to forgo the Yays and Boos altogether and go with a new breakdown format. Introducing the No F--king Ways.

No F--king Way!!!!!!!!!!
  • The deer. It's cool that it's a bit creepy in that it appears in random places. What's not so cool, is that half an unborn fawn is hanging out of it. Always.
  • Imagine you wake up and there's some sort of fungus/rock/crystal thing growing on your hand. Well, that's what you get for sleeping with your hand out the damn window all night. You know, 'cause that happens.
  • I'm a grieving mother who just lost her son to a tragic accident where he fell to his death. Guess what I don't want to see? A baby hawk fall out of the nest and instantly be eaten by ants while still alive. That's an oddly horrible coincidence. Oh wait, here comes the mother hawk to rescue it. Wish I could have done tha---. Aw damn, she's eating the baby. Gross.
  • That horrible noise you hear always. Oh, that's just the acorns. You heard me. The. A. Corns.
  • Seems I've already mentioned the talking fox. No need to do that again. Well...I mean...again, again.
  • There was so much frontal nudity I actually grew tired of it. Yeah, you read that right. Remember what category these bullets are in.
  • Speaking of the naughty bits, each sex scene in this movie gets worse. When she's begging to be hit while riding him? Oh, it's going to get worse. When she's masturbating furiously in the forest? Not even close. It's going to a level you can't imagine. And when it gets there? Yep. WORSE!!!
  • That precious little one that passed away? Well, they have his autopsy report. Nothing too bad, just a slight abnormality in the bone structure of his feet. Just wait until you find out why. Yeah.
  • Have you ever seen someone drill through a man's leg, stick their finger in the wound, after bashing in his erection with a huge block of wood? I have.
  • So, the Green Goblin scurries into a fox hole to hide. Fine. What's this? A half-buried wing? Weird. Oh jeez - it's moving. Wait. It's an entire crow. And it's alive! It's a miracle. Might as well bash the f--k out of it.
  • And finally, the end. We've got berry eating and a 1,000 faceless women. No f--king way.
Look, I'm an idiot. Clearly. I'm sure this movie's brilliant and everything is beautifully symbolic and relevant. Despair, grief, loss and overcoming an unexpected tragedy are the overwhelming themes of von Trier's work, right? Right.

Well, try losing a TV.


  1. Good review M. I didn't get what the hell Von Trier was trying to say here, but I will admit as I was a bit fascinated by all that was going on. It's just really, really weird to watch, though.

  2. I don't think I can go with 'fascinated' Dan. I was horrified and just plain disgusted at times. And I like weird shit...I do.

    Well, I did.

  3. Seriously? Your T.V. fucking offed itself over this film after surviving through The Human Centipede? :-)

    All I can say is that Antichrist is on a short list of movies that I will NEVER watch. My 18 y/o daughter, who prides herself on staying well informed on all things effed up in cinema, told me the basic premise. She cut to the chase and told me that these bereaved parents mutilate their ... umm ... No way. Nope. No, thank you.

    I did enjoy reading your post, though. This movie sounds seriously disgusting. It may be an artistically disgusting movie, but still not my cup of tea.

    1. Apparently, it had could stomach low-budge (low-concept?) horror better than it could von Trier's madness, which is presented to us as the most f--ked up Lexus commercial ever (with its beautiful black and white photography and rousing operatic score). But alas, my TV is gone and my heart is slightly broken.

      Truly, a December to remember.

      Thanks for the kind words. I appreciate it.

  4. I wouldn't even call this trash a movie - while the cinematography is exquisite this is just typical Von Trier's whining about how women are evil and him being attention whore this time throwing in nudity, gross stuff, violence and pushing the boundaries only so people would watch his demented ramblings. The actors did a good job but this is a despicable 'movie', I actually gave it 0/10.

    No wonder your TV did what it did :)

    1. At times, it certainly does look beautiful, but it's the other 99% of this flick that is terrible. I honestly can't believe that this movie didn't sink the careers of all involved.

      0/10 seems fair. I think that's what my TV would've given it.

      Shame, it died on such a low note.

  5. I'm the kind of sick son of a bitch who actually digs this flick, but goddamn if this isn't one of the most entertaining movie reviews I've ever read. Hilarious. (Not about the TV though, that sucks man.)

    Disagree on the film though we may, there's no way I can NOT give props to a review like this.

    1. I actually fully respect that you like this movie. I really didn't, but it may be because I'm an idiot and didn't get what the Hell was going on. Ever.

      But that said, liking this film is a tough stance to take, so I appreciate anyone willing to stand up for it. For me, it was a disaster. Unforgettable, sure, but still an unrelenting mess.

      Our replacement TV blows, but all things considered, losing a TV sucks, but...shit happens. I'm not going to mutilate my genitals over it.

  6. Remember that scene in "Exit Through The Gift Shop" where Mr. Brainwash shows his early edit-film "Life Remote Control"? Well this is what I imagine it'll be like... a compilation of chaos without making any sense!!

    Compared to "Human Centipede", I always viewed this film as something I wouldn't want to watch but am really curious. Your review made me even more curious. I see through your plan... you're deliberately trying to lure people to see this.. haha!

    1. Excellent call, though Brainwash's video was just horrible and sort hard to decipher what the Hell was going on. von Trier's flick was indeed horrible, but the awfulness was front and center. There's one particular scene I can't unsee. Shudder.

      No! I didn't want to outright spoil it, but no, I don't want anyone to see this movie. Well, not unprepared anyway, as I was.

      If you're going to risk it, do it at a friend's house. Just in case their TV decides to go Boom.

  7. One time my brother tore his achiles in a flag football game as he stepped across the goal line for a touchdown. As he winced in agony on the ground, I looked down and said "They didn't get your flags." This just reminded me of that story for some reason.

    Even though it wasn't necessarily the right thing to do, you finished the movie. Good for you. I myself, will never watch this film. So, your response should be a simple "You're welcome."

    1. I don't know why I never responded to this comment. It's awesome.