Wednesday, March 6, 2013

If it gives us peace, call it anything you wish.

Let's just put it out there: I'm an idiot. There are many things that I can't do because of this fact, but let's just discuss two, only because they involve the same skill: Paying attention.

The first thing I can't seem to do, is remember anyone's name in an introduction. For whatever reason, when meeting someone new, I'm so focused on correctly saying my own name and delivering a firm handshake (and perhaps a witty line) that I literally never comprehend the two or three syllables they are telling me. It's actually incredible, really. I mean never. It's to the point where I should either start carrying nametags, or saying people's names House Bunny style.

But even worse (and to the point), I can't follow directions. When someone starts to give me directions with more than say, three steps, I suddenly become this guy who, instead of getting information he f--king needs, I become more concerned with convincing the person giving the directions that they're doing a great job. It's so stupid, it's hard to even articulate.

So, the following post is a reminder that if Liam Neeson ever calls us, I'm handing the phone to you. Otherwise, we're both screwed. Wait, what do I do? And, I'm sorry. I didn't catch your name...

Though this may be a bit of a shot to the nuts of my credibility, I had a really good time with Taken 2. Rented for a buck from Redbox, this flick, while ultimately stupid and overwhelmingly pointless, entertained me throughout. If you're reading a (crappy) movie blog, and you don't already enjoy watching the mighty Liam Neeson kick an infinite amount of foreign ass, might I suggest you go ahead and hit that red x in the corner. But, if just the thought of Qui-Gon snapping necks makes your naughty parts tingle, then friends, have I got ninety two minutes for you.

Looking back, I think we all give the original Taken just a little too much credit. Sure, Neeson kind of shocked everybody with how much of a badass he could be. I mean, his phone speech/eulogy to every bad guy in the world was cinematic gold. Truly. But when you really go back and watch it, the damn movie is all kinds of ridiculous. By the end, Neeson might as well lower himself into molten steel, as that's likely the only way he could be stopped. It's still a good time, regardless.

For the second one, all bets are off. Sure, we get the cast back, which is a plus. And we also get an interesting, if not completely obvious, premise, too. And of course, more of what we really love, Neeson (as Bryan) killin' bitches by the Mercedes truckload. But, in exchange, we also turn up the ridiculous to eleven. For me, that was actually what I was looking for, hence my juvenile love for it. But if you want something plausible, perhaps grounded in reality even a little bit, let me remind you, this is the sequel to Taken, for f--k's sake.

Speaking of more of what no one needs, here are the Yays and Boos, yet again. They were upset that Neeson didn't challenge a wolf to some 30's style boxing, but trust me, we'll get to The Grey soon enough.

This is exactly what I wear when I want to f--king kill everyone.
  • I think every action movie sequel should open at the funerals for the first film's lackeys. It's the best.
  • Though I'm still not sure what to do with Maggie Grace's gigantic schoolgirl character, I definitely know what to do with her mom.
  • This movie zips by. It's like... recap the first one, show Bryan's still a family man, and then we're off to Europe to get both kidnapped and revenge.
  • Holy shit. Neeson completely houses some dude in the best Baton Battle ever.
  • This is probably a Boo, but it's so awesome, I have to cheer for it. Anyway, apparently, Istanbul is so f--king hardcore, no one gives a shit if someone routinely throws grenades off a rooftop.
  • There's an exchange where someone asks Neeson, what are you gonna do? Without hesitation, he calmly utters What I do best. At that moment, I needed two things, asap: the Rocky theme song. And someone's face. To punch.
  • My second favorite line, spoken casually: I just shot some guy. Oh, henchman. You so cray-cray.
  • And finally, I loved the frickin' conclusion with OFB (Old Foreign Bastard). I actually thought everyone was going to shake hands and be like a couple of Fonzies. Luckily, that wasn't the case at all as OFB done f--ked up. Big time.
The Yogurt Shop. Yogurt Shoppe. What the f--k is a Shoppe?
(but these might as well be Yays, too)
  • As absurd as countless things are in this flick, I actually was beside myself when Bryan when let his daughter help. Even in Euro Disney Fantasy Land, I'm still calling bullshit.
  • So, the next time I'm making out with a twenty-nine year old college girl, I'll now start the session with the mood killing question Does your dad routinely track you using the GPS in your phone? Or, to simplify, Um, is your dad Liam Neeson?
  • Okay, getting Kim and Lenore to Istanbul is probably ridiculous enough, but when the reason is that Stu cancelled our Spring Break trip to China! I actually wanted to fight everybody who ever looked at the script. Wait, MTV had a Beach House there, right? Or was that Miami?
  • There's no f--king way they catch Lenore. Impossible. Not with her telekinetic powers and silky hair.
  • But speaking of truly impossible, how about Bryan's abduction fact collecting process? He literally hears and feels everything in the entire world. All while counting, no less. I can't count backwards successfully if anything else happens anywhere. I swear Bryan's sonic abilities made him something just short of Daredevil.
  • Most impossible subtitle ever! [Lenore shouting weakly] C'mon, try it. Right now. Try to shout. Weakly.
  • Oh, f--k me, but little Kimmy can't pass her driving test in America, but she somehow becomes Ryan f--king Gosling behind the wheel of a taxi in Europe? Seriously, somebody get her a Scorpion jacket and a bit part in Ronin
  • What the shit is with the Lenore torture technique? Some sort of knife prick or something, then hang her upside down in a bag? Huh? I haven't been this confused since Bond took a rope to the balls in a seatless chair. Or this turned on!
  • That was a joke. Sort of. Anyway, what the Hell was with Kim's rooftop jump? It's bad enough that she makes it easily, but then Bad Guy botches it horrendously? Really?
  • And finally, as bad as the final showdown was (Neeson vs. random Hench), the final scene is even worse. I mean, nothing says Thank God we've survived our entire family's abduction (again-ish) like going out for milkshakes. It would have been slightly less ridiculous if they celebrated by vacationing to the underwater Gungan Village on Naboo.
While my lack of being able to process the slightest bits of information would have ultimately led to my death twenty times over in Taken 2, I've stumbled upon another mental deficit I have:

The ability to write a coherent post.

At least that's not deadly.



  1. Good review M. It's loud, dumb, and stupid, but a whole bunch of fun that I can't say I hated too much. It was a waste of talent, but it wasn't so bad.

    1. Dan,

      I agree wholeheartedly. I was honestly floored with how much fun I had. Bring on the third one.

  2. This sounds like (to misquote Love Actually) solid gold cinematic shit. My husband likes dumb action movies, and he occasionally manages to get me drunk enough to sit through one. :-) I'll keep this one in mind.

    BTW, I'm convinced I'm a poster child for adult ADD. Supposedly I have a pretty high IQ, and I manage to pass for a competent adult, on a good day. But I'm kinda like that idiot Otto in A Fish Called Wanda. If someone gives me a list of instructions or bits of important information, I'm like "What was that second thing again?" My 14 y/o son has ADHD in the opinion of a doctor who evaluated him, and ... apparently ... everyone whose ever met him. My poor kids. Genetics are a bitch.

    Funny that a couple of adults with attention deficits would become teachers. :-D Hmmm ...

    Sorry for the ramble. Enjoy your weekend, M!

    1. Ooh, I love a good misquote. And, if you're feeling thirsty, this one might be a good enough time. Did you see the first one?

      Agreed on the ADHD bit. Pretty sure I'm competent too, though only from a distance. People that work closely with me can surely attest to my constant buffoonery. Though if a potential employer is reading this, let me also take a minute to point out my rapist wit.

      Anyway, clearly, part of problem is that I'm always goofing around, much like this three year old kid sitting next to me. My poor son never had a chance!

      I like how you apologize for an alleged ramble, while I continue to write posts, completely unapologetic.

      You too!

  3. "what the Hell was with Kim's rooftop jump? It's bad enough that she makes it easily, but then Bad Guy botches it horrendously? Really?" - oh wow that sounds hilarious :)

    I really liked the first one I agree it was stupid but Neeson was really beliavable there and he was probably the world's greatest dad. This one sounds even dumber = fun = hilarious, so I'm tempted to check it out.

    1. Seriously! BEST. DAD. EVER.

      My own Dad, confronted with my abduction by international a-holes, would probably be like Hmmm. It's a good thing I've got two other kids.

      Just kidding. He'd never say Hmmm.

      Anyway, check it out when you're feeling silly. It's short. And even if it's terrible, it's still time with the dreamy giant that is Liam Neeson.