Wednesday, March 20, 2013

On a scale of 1 to 10? Pretty bad.

Occasionally, I'll get asked the question what is your favorite movie of all-time? Immediately I begin to stammer. Well, it depends. What genre? Favorite newer movie? Or, like, a classic? Is it something to watch over and over again? Or do you mean favorite theatrical experience? And on and on it goes. My go to answer, depending on the day, is usually Fight Club. But, sometimes I might say The Big Lebowski or Jerry Maguire. Possibly even Psycho or Tim Burton's Big Fish. But after I watch O Brother, Where Art Thou? or Moulin Rouge!, I might opt for either one. It's hopeless, really.

But my least favorite of all-time? That shit's easy.

If you own this on Laserdisc, you're due a high-five or an axe to the face.
Stewardess School is the worst f--king movie I have ever seen, hands down. It's not even in the ball park of so bad it's good. It's so bad, I'm actually doing all I can not to f--king punch the shit out of my monitor now, simply because it features a picture of this abomination. It's like someone not only took a massive dump in my eyes, but also in my soul. This one hurt. Bad.

What compelled you in the first place, jerkface? Well, two things: First, I genuinely like to throw the occasional random-ass movie on here, and I thought an 80's sex-romp would entertain, like my first [blogged] foray, Private School [review]. And second, sometimes, the worse the movie, the better the post.

If that holds true, this should be the best post I've ever written. Though, that isn't saying much.

Somewhere, in some terrible place, possibly at gunpoint, someone decided that Police Academy was just too good. So, they took the premise of a ragtag mix of lovable goofballs, and instead of setting them in the rigid world of serving and protecting, elected to send them to the God-awful titular location instead. There, they could learn the ins and outs of air-hospitality. But as shitty as that sounds on paper, the final product is infinitely worse.

I once read a story about a guy who was installing some roofing. Near the end of his job, he attempted to use the nailgun to affix one of the final shingles and call it day. As he scooted back, he spread his legs as wide as possible, in order to make enough room. Somehow, he inadvertently drove the nail through his own scrotum, attaching himself to the roof. Now, I've never installed shingles, never even used a nailgun. But, after seeing Stewardess School (motherf--king start to finish), I now recognize this level of pain and embarrassment.

While the Boos arrived on time, turns out, the Yays missed their flight. But, we've got Only in a Bad Eighties Flick filling in. Might as well start with them...

Only in a Bad Eighties Flick...
  • Would Don 'Ralph Malph' Most have a starring role.
  • Would farting in an elevator full of stuffy, rich folk be considered hilarious.
  • Would you find a butler named Jeeves.
  • Would a character be named Scuzzball.
  • Would a character bite his fist in anticipated delight.
  • Would a character suggest playing hide the salami. While holding an actual salami.
  • Would twin girls speak at the same time.
  • Would someone spike the punch. Then demand, Let's party! Like, gag me with a spoon.
  • Why do all these movies have a guy with a best friend who is literally the worst person alive? 
  • As I watched each horrible scene play out, I kept thinking that was the worst three minutes ever put to film. But somehow, it kept getting worse. I'd have cringed less watching American History X's curb stomp on loop.
  • So, you're thinking, sure, this movie is terrible, but there's boobs, right? Yes. But there aren't enough tits in the world to right this wrong. Read that again.
  • I think I could go to a maximum security prison and find six people I would rather spend ninety minutes with than this awful group of characters. 
  • And they're so generic, too. Bad Luck Girl (she refers to herself as a klutz, ugh), High-Pitched Lady With Big Boobs We Never Get to See, Rich Girl/Least Convincing Punk Rocker Ever, Overly Gay Guy, and of course, Frumpy Fat Girl Who Can't Help But Stuff Her Face.
  • And speaking of the Frumpy one, check this out. During the climax, when the plane has a hole blown in it, someone thought this would be hi-larious! See, things are blowing around, cabin pressure is being lost, when, get this, the Fat Girl plugs up the hole with her fat ass! Oh, Fat Girl. You so fat.
  • Another cinematic gem for you. Overly Gay Guy, is on his hands and knees near Annoying Passenger Bitch when, out of nowhere, a beverage cart smashes into him. Surprising no one, his head ends up in her. Also surprising no one, when he finally gets his head out, surprise! He's cross-eyed!
  • Now, seriously, no bullshit here. I almost broke my own rule and shut this off midway. I did. But just when I was about to, they start playing this bitchin' title track during the movie. Sure, this is likely the worst song ever recorded, but it was genuinely so bad it was great. I was unfortunately renewed.
  • They mention during training that Rule #47: Keep smiling. Rule #48, oddly enough, is F--k this movie.
  • And finally, I can't believe this movie was written and directed by someone. Who admitted it. This actually got the biggest laugh out of me. And by that, I mean I stopped scowling and beating my chest like Marky Mark in Fear.
While I consider Airplane! one of the funniest movies ever made, I'm sure there are a few parts that don't have any jokes. Any of which are funnier than this entire movie.
You remember that joke in Good Will Hunting about the stewardess? Funnier than this whole movie.
Remember that scene in La Bamba with the plane? Yep. Funnier than this movie.


  1. Hmmm ... O.K.

    My reactions to this review, in no particular order:
    -- Oh, crap. And I hated *Airplane.* I can't even fathom what my reaction to this movie would be. There is not enough liquor in the universe to get me through this one.
    -- I freaking laughed out loud throughout this post. Yes, literally.
    -- I even laughed during the paragraph about the guy on the roof with the staple gun. I am going to Hell.
    -- I am suddenly flashing back to Forrest Gump and Robin Wright's character in the rock throwing scene. Except he's saying "sometimes, there just aren't enough tits ..."

    O.K. I'll quit now.

    1. Whoa, wait a second. You hated Airplane!? Is that even possible? Hmm...

      First, thank you for commenting on this one. It had been up for awhile and I thought it had officially driven everyone away. By that I mean, you and the other two people who read this drivel.

      Oh, don't worry about ol' Rooftop Nutsac Guy. It's not like he died or anything. Well, not from the pain anyway.

      Ha! Yes! Imagining Gump dropping that line is priceless. Though if Jenny were exposing herself to that house...not sure if it'd had the same emotional impact.

    2. I seem to be one of five people in the known universe who didn't find Airplane funny. :) Oh well.

    3. My vote? Work it into the curriculum.

    4. Ha ha! I'll have to give that one some thought. ;-)

  2. ... there's a blogger who knows all the bobbies ain't gold...

    Or something like that...

    1. I'm not sure what the Hell you're talking about...

      ...but I love it.

    2. Well, that's my phone auto correcting boobies to bobbies because that makes sense.

      It was a parody of Stairway to Heaven... Obviously...


    3. Now I'm humming "Stairway to Heaven" to myself with those words running through my head. "There's a blogger who knows ... that all boobies aren't gold ..."

    4. Shane...Two Dollar Cinema is like that guitar shop in Wayne's World.


  3. Not enough tits to right this wrong? But...tits are so powerful. They are actually the only boo I have for Game of Thrones season 2 - there is such thing as too many tits and when they throw them in battle episode? Facepalm.

    I have to say the guy who fixed your TV set did incredible job - it survived this one! But, there is always new Von Trier movie coming our way...

    1. I've just recently got some news that's going to really devastate my pro-tits stance...but more on that later.

      I am in the process of securing the first two seasons on GoT on blu ray. Apparently, it will further complicate matters.

      Oh man, Cousin Mark? The guy is like Forrest Gump with a rifle, a goddamn genius if there ever was one. It appears he made my TV bulletproof.

      Von Trier.


    2. YEEEEYYY! I think you will love that show, I saw the first two seasons again few weeks ago yet I want to see them again and again. It's a vicious circle :)

      Let's hope it's bulletproof for good, who knows what kind of disgusting cinematic shit lies ahead :)

  4. Holy shit! Trolley dolly school! I thought that i forgoten all about the existence of this movie. I agree it's bad. It's not even too bad that is good. It's just plain bad. The success of police academy brought this upon us! Damn you Mahoney! Not only for stewardess school and other "schools" but for inspiring some greek producers to shoot movies like (translated in english titles) "con man school" (a movie about some guys who try to make money illegaly with stupid ideas) "gypsy school" (a movie about some greek/gypsies trying to...whatever).
    Damn you Mahoney!

  5. "Damn you Mahoney!" = Truer words have never been spoken.

    Those Greek films sound excellent. I was there as a kid, and other than some unfortunate nudity at the beaches we visited, not seeing Gypsy School now tops my list of biggest European vacation regrets.