Thursday, November 21, 2013

Hope you haven't had breakfast.

I'm pretty sure there's something very wrong with me, but f--k it, Catwoman is sexy. I don't care if it's Anne Hathaway or Michelle Pfeiffer, it's a sweet look. All the tight-ass clothes, the purring, the licking, hell, even the scratching. It's all weird as shit, but there's still something oddly alluring about it. Halle Berry needs no help, but throw her in that awful Catwoman outfit and even one of the shittiest movies ever made is watchable. I'll even give you old timers Eartha Kitt, though honestly, that bitch scares me.

Anyway, as much I like a sexy lady dressed as a cat, let me be clear: it's the lady I want to have sex with. Not the f--king cat.

What the f--k is Cat People? Honestly. How does this movie actually f--king exist? I randomly chose this one based solely on the title, and though I knew nothing about it, something still compelled me to press play. And as I grinded it out, I was left with this look on my face that I still haven't been able to shake days later. I can't quite place the expression, but imagine while sitting there on your laptop, you fart and the smell literally surprises you. You expected bad, but what you got was so much worse your face is an unholy mix of disgust and disbelief. That, friends, is Cat People.

But that ain't even the half of it. Let me boil it down for you, okay? I, unlike the makers of this film, appreciate your time, so let's do this in one awful sentence: This movie is about half-leopard siblings dealing with the fact that they can't f--k anyone, till they f--k each other. I shit you not.

The movie opens back in some unknown time period with a group of aboriginal types doing their thing to some groovy eighties synth beats. Some chick heads into the potentially mysterious lair of a black leopard and...just like that, it's 1982. We meet a creepier-than-usual Malcolm McDowell, who basically eye-f--ks everyone he sees. This dude lives with his voodoo maid lady and is clearly a murderous douche. Seriously, this guy oozes date rapist more than probably any other character I can remember. His "sister" shows up, in the form of the fairly attractive Natassia Kinski, and she's basically the early eighties version of Sandy from Grease, except that instead of being an Aussie she's a f--king leopard. Anyway, it's not that she hasn't liked some boys before, she's just never been able to um, fully engage in Summer Lovin'.

Now, that's only about the first fifteen minutes or so. From there, things spiral into complete madness. Hookers are killed, the dad from Home Alone shows up, some poor bastard gets his arm ripped off at the zoo and probably most jarring, along the way we are privy to an extra awful leopard autopsy (as opposed to say, a regularly awful leopard autopsy). Trust me, as batshit crazy as this all sounds, it's 900 times stranger put to film. Oh, and the biggest no-f--king-way aspect of this movie? It's a remake.

Look, this movie is so weird, I kind of really want you to see it so we can talk about it. It's not good. At all. But it's so incredibly strange and awful, I almost want to start a club where we can hate it together. We can even climb up a tall tree and discuss it over the decaying remains of a dead prostitute. Or not.

How about we meet in the middle and instead of the trees and human prey, we talk it out on a couch with the Yays and Boos? Deal? Deal.

I nabbed this from Cinema Saigon. Thanks, I think.
Yaaaaaaaaaaaay!
  • A weird ass early eighties flick needs a theme song, right? Well, there's only one man for the job: David Bowie.
  • Nothing screams eighties (/carnival) more than black leopards! They're so rad.
  • There is a scene where they shoot a leopard with a tranquilizer gun that is fantastic. Seriously. No CGI, no bullshit. Just a giant, angry beast taking one in the neck. Damn!
  • Tertiary Character Hall of Fame? Cab Driver Lady. Like an extra determined to be a star.
  • I don't care if it was only for five seconds, but we get a legitimate John Larroquette sighting. Motherf--king Dan Fielding in the house! (Anyone? Anyone? Night Court reference, huh? Ladies?)
  • Speaking of TV stars from way back, give it up for Ed Begley, Jr. Not only does he kick some ass as third-in-command at the New Orleans Zoo (a coveted title, I'm sure), but this dude gets it in hilarious fashion. Think Luke Wilson in Anchorman, just less disappointed, more dead.
  • Her brother, Paul, is always wanting to do her. That's a Boo. But when she escapes his inexcusable flirtations via a graceful handstand that culminates into a two-story drop? Oh, that's a Yay.
  • According to the police, turns out there's been a string of dead prostitutes. That's unfortunate. Also according to police, their genitals have all been torn out. Hilarious!
  • Okay, serious time. After a delightful getaway to the bayou, presumably to bone, Kinski and Peter McCallister decide to do some wading. Her outfit? Goodness. This has my vote as the most boner-inducing crawfish outing ever.
  • On that note, we also get to see Zoo Lady's boobs (played by Annette O'Toole). She's pretty hot, all things considered. Too bad the only thing creepier and more unnecessary than her nude scene is this blog.
  • It ends like how all awesomely shitty eighties flicks end: Freeze frame! Just kidding. DOUBLE FREEZE FRAME!
  • And finally, this actually happens:
      • Her: Kill Me.
      • Him: No.
      • Her: Then make love to me so that I can turn into a leopard.
      • Him: Yes.
She's actually working on the script.
Boooooooooooooo!
  • As I've mentioned, the sexual tension is soooo alarmingly weird. Lots of grunting and cat-posturing.
  • And goo. Turns out when you transform, you leave ectoplasm everywhere.
  • A hooker being mauled by a leopard isn't funny. Fine, it is. But the Boo is that she was killed whilst her "breasts" were exposed. Notice the word hooker. Now, notice the quotation marks. Boo.
  • What was with that guy in the streetcar? Jeez. He might've been the scariest person in this damn flick.
  • Ah, 1982. A time when bras were optional.
  • Our main girl heads to the zoo to draw the leopards. For eight hours.
  • And when she gets caught? She leaps up a massive tree, only to come down and blame her erratic behavior on her weird metabolism. Not her leopard DNA.
  • There's this weird midnight stroll late in the movie that may sum up everything you need to know about Cat People. Full frontal nudity? Check. She sees things in Hypercolor Predator vision? Check. She then devours a rabbit? Check.
  • Paul eats something he found dangling from his naked body. Strange as Hell? Yes. In the script? Probably not.
  • A guy commits his undying love to a woman who literally can't have sex. That may have been the most unbelievable thing in this flick. Well, outside of people turning into bloodthirsty leopards.
  • Speaking of, part of the process of turning calls for the breasts to recede. I wish I was making this up.
  • On that note, I'm pretty sure she smears vaginal blood all over her mouth. Yeah, sorry about that one.
  • And finally, the whole incestuous leopard thing is explained to the main character in a dream. It was explained to me in a nightmare.
So, that was pretty strange, huh? Wow. The whole erotic eighties flick/animal thing never seems to go well, does it? I mean, at least my fantasies deal with women dressed as cats, not women that are cats. Though, as a kid, I always thought that Nala chick turned into quite a foxy, er, lion. 

Oh, now I'm the weirdo?

8 comments:

  1. Wow this movie sounds ridiculous. "Make love to me so I can turn into a leopard!." - HA! Also I love how you filed this under "Pussy Riot." That made me laugh.

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  2. If you legitimately made it thorough that post, let me just thank you now. It kind of went off the rails for a minute or two.

    I still can't believe this movie exists. Hopefully it's really just an awful dream I had. A dream that somehow has a poster really find on Google images.

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  3. "but imagine while sitting there on your laptop, you fart and the smell literally surprises you." Oh, that and the decaying remains of a dead prostitute bit almost killed me :P

    I did read about this flick a bunch of times on various horror boards. It does seem like it's so strange and bad you literally cannot believe what you are seeing. Ah, the 80s - so many movies made back then were like that.

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    1. Seriously, it's like the 99% of the decade was simply a joke that wasn't funny...until now.

      I have my fingers crossed that someone will stumble by who has seen this...maybe I'll go recruit at those horror boards.

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  4. The original Cat People made in the 40s is actually one of my favourite films. Eerily creepily, beautifully shot and one of the first - if not the first - horror film to use some of the techniques in the genre today.

    Haven't had a chance to check out this remake in full but the bits I've seen look horrendously bad. I urge you to check out the original though, think you'll really dig it.

    Great review!

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    1. In my brief research, I did get the sense that the original Cat People was somewhat revered, I might check it out if given the chance. I can't imagine what the films have in common. The 40's probably couldn't have handled the 80's.

      Thanks!

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  5. YAAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!

    This has got to be the most thought provoking, intelligent take on this bizarre fright fest of a movie, and by fright fest I clearly mean "that was gross".

    Yeah, so much of this shit made no sense at all. Like I said in my review, this felt like way too many fetishes rolled into one movie. Like, what the hell! It's like a group of men got drunk, talked about how they get boners when their cats lick their feet in the morning, how they think their sister is hot, how they've always wanted to kill a hooker and get their money back and how they masturbate to the movie 'The Howling' and they were like...remember that 1940's film noir that was boring as fuck but had that girl that turned into a cat? Let's totally fuck it up!

    At least this had stuff going on. Don't dare watch the 40's version...it's basically as effective as a tranquilizer to the neck ;-)

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