Wednesday, November 6, 2013

This family's in trouble.

Since Halloween has just recently passed, it's fitting that the last movie I watched centered on something that absolutely terrifies me. The idea of being locked in a giant metal contraption, barely in control, for hours and hours is overwhelmingly maddening. But worse, the thought of consistent loud, sharp noises and awful smells surrounding me, only compound one of my deepest fears. Obviously, I'm talking about one of the greatest, slow-death torture scenarios found on this planet: the family road trip.

This poster couldn't represent the movie any better. Honestly, it's perfect.
The road trip in Transit, much like everything else in the movie, is utterly ridiculous. A father decides that his family must reconnect (for some initially unclear reason), and so they head out on a long car trip together. On the docket? Incessant whining, camping and familial bonding. Fair enough, I suppose. But when four increasingly generic and incompetent criminals show up, and fully beat the shit out of Mom, you'd think maybe Wally World can wait until next year, huh? Wait, wait, wait. Did you just think? You better cut that shit out now if you even plan on enjoying this one.

The flick opens with a pretty typical armored car heist, complete with your standard double crossing of masked individuals (you know, where splitting it five ways becomes four because someone gets shot in the face). Cut to Miserable Family, where Dad is insisting that This trip will be good for us! The bad guys are on the run, and stay with me here, must ditch the money because there's a roadblock and they're checking everyone's cars. Seems like the only logical plan is to hide the money with the family and simply follow them to where they're going and murder them and grab the cash. Hmm. The cops are stopping everyone, but if they don't have the money on them, apparently they'll be fine. 

Shockingly, I'm not a detective, but I think four unrelated, endlessly sweaty people, in the loudest/blackest car ever, potentially matching loose descriptions from the nearby scene of an armored car robbery might be suspicious, even if they don't have four million in cash with them, but apparently not. Random family with tons of giant-bags-potentially-full-of-money tied to the roof? Keep it moving. We're just looking for criminals. Enjoy your forced vacation, folks. Car full of ex-cons? Pull it over. Mind if I look in your trunk only to find that it's empty? Well, shucks. Move along, dammit.

I'm pretty sure Transit is a bad movie. I'm just not quite sure how bad. I'm leaning toward really, really, but could be easily swayed into charmingly (kind of like this post, actually). Sure, logic and reason left town years ago, but stylish absurdity moved in and that bastard is a charmer. Also charming, is a delightfully earnest Jim Caviezel, who I've ceaselessly loved since Frequency. But for even the most ardent Caviezel fan, Hell, maybe even Caviezel himself, this one might be simply too ridiculous to actually enjoy/admit to being a part of.

Speaking of Frequency, let's radio back to our dads thirty years ago and warn them about the Yays and Boos. Quick, carve something into wood or something!

Exploding Hay Bales. The not so silent-killer of American highways.
  • Diora Baird. Until this movie, I didn't know who this woman was. What a huge mistake that was. An even bigger mistake? Not ever having Googled Diora Baird Nude. 
  • Rectifying the aforementioned mistakes.
  • The family is delightfully awful. We've got Sort-of-Hot Mom, Douchey Teen, Whining Kid and Jim Caviezel. Solid foursome, they be.
  • Oh, Fisherman Guy. You got shot in yo' belly, sucka!
  • Speaking of someone I liked getting shot, there was a moment in here that totally f--king surprised me. As happy as I was in the mind, I was pretty sad in the pants, if that makes sense.
  • I'm pretty sure the number of times we get a shot of the youngest son mentally unraveling is right on par with the number of times Pacino says f--k in Scarface. 
  • Honestly, this movie is so fast-paced and illogical it's almost impressive. It's like a 90-minute commercial for Aggression.
  • And finally, the Final Battle. Yes, it's horrible. Yes, both combatants are wearing the same outfit making it 900% impossible to tell what the shit is going on. But, yes someone dies in the most retardedly awesome fashion ever. Let's just say in terms of of bad movie endings, this one really hits the nail on the head. 
  • This is an awful movie with a super hot chick in it. I'm pretty sure it's mandated in the Constitution that she get naked. Often. Hey, I don't make the rules, I just love them. But for whatever reason, she never does. No shower scene. No bathroom quickie. No unnecessary shirt change. What? Nothing in this movie makes sense. At all. But we're gonna use reason now? 
  • The original plan. How should we pull this off? Split up? No. Hide the money, but stay together and travel with an easily found police scanner? Sounds like a plan.
  • The cast, outside of Jim Caviezel, reads like a list of people you didn't know you went to high school with. Seriously, Ryan Donowho is in this. I think I had Spanish with that guy. 
  • When the bad guys are trying to blend in, they pull a u-turn in the middle of a crowded highway that causes at least three other cars to crash. Yeah, that shouldn't draw any attention.
  • I mentioned it earlier, but Mom gets thrown into a mirror by the bad guys and not only does no one in the hotel hear anything, but Dad demands that the trip is still a go. We must camp, goddammit.
  • When Mom and Dad have one of their countless misunderstandings, she leaves his ass on the side of the road. What does he do? He calls her. Her response? She doesn't answer. His ultimate comeback? He smashes his phone in the road. That plot device will show her!
  • Pretty sure Bad Guy #1 is Mr. Bean's angry brother.
  • The setting. Honestly, this is the least traveled road in the universe. I mean, a hot chick could walk up and down it completely nude and it wouldn't bother anyone. Not that we'd know for sure...but you could imagine.
  • Dad hides some money in a tree. Cool. He goes to great lengths to remember what mile marker it's at, so he can get to it later. You know what else is a good landmark? Your severed finger in the middle of the f--king road, asshole.
  • Oh, man. We actually got away from the Bad Guys. Thank God. (Deep breath) Okay, now what do we do? Turn around. Seriously. They decide that driving toward them is the best move. 
  • And finally, let me Boo the fact that I actually watched a movie called Transit. Start to finish. And then wrote about it. 
Luckily, Halloween, and this movie, are far in the rearview at this point. But before we turn the page on the really scary stuff, I've got one more post dealing with something legitimately frightening. I recently watched the worst movie ever made. It was so bad, it makes a family road trip look like...Diora Baird.



  1. It's been a while since I've visited Two Dollar Cinema, and this latest post didn't disappoint!! While I can't say that I'll ever catch Transit, I'm definitely feeling like watching Frequency again. Such a good flick!! By the way, I've found your next movie to review: 2009's remake of The Land that Time Forgot. Not only does it feature our good buddy Ponyboy Curtis, but also our favorite Soc Randy. Seriously. It was on SyFy the other day, and I couldn't help thinking that you'd have a blast with it. Hope all is well!!

    1. Also, it's been just over a year since you enlightened Sauls and I about the existence of The Human Centipede movies, and I STILL find myself thinking about it and being completely disgusted. Thanks for that.

    2. Ponyboy and Randy? Wow. That sounds like a must see. If only Bob was in it, too.

      Pretty sure you and your handsome brood should gather round the telly and watch Human Centipede years from now. It's a real eye-opener!

      Hope you are well, too. Maybe I'll enter back into teaching next year. Keep me posted!

  2. Just rented this...uh-oh. Haha.

    1. Let me know what you thought of it.

      It's kind of the right kind of ridiculous, if I remember correctly.