Sunday, November 10, 2013

How bad could it be?

Most horror movies are very straightforward, maybe even to a fault. Their plots often revolve around the simple concept of revenge. Sure, there's the occasional sick f--k who kills for no apparent reason, but typically in this genre, people need to be killed/raped/tortured because some other person was killed/raped/tortured in the past. And even that creepy bastard who does this for no reason? Well, ideally, he'll get his too, eventually. Those are the rules.

I'd like to exact revenge on pretty much anybody associated with The Big Bad, a flick I had the misfortune of renting last week. I'm thinking I'll go eye-for-an-eye, you know, hurt them the same way they hurt me. Maybe something along these lines:

For about twenty minutes, I'm going to just walk around and ramble incoherently. It won't make any sense, and it will literally be so boring, one or two of them will probably just take their own lives. But for the next fifty minutes or so, I will simply shit all over everyone. I will shit in their eyes, in their ears, and somehow into their soul. It won't be fatal, no. It will simply be the worst looking event to have ever taken place and will leave everyone involved wondering the same thing: Good Lord, why did that happen? Am I bad person?
I might be overselling the awful, but if somehow I couldn't watch another movie until I watched The Big Bad again, I'd likely carefully reconsider my love of cinema. Look, seriously, I've never made a movie, and I'm sure that shit, like pimpin', ain't easy. In fact, the biggest thing I've ever completed is this blog, and it's childish and embarrassing at best. But you can at least understand it. When you look at it, you can read words, and see images, right? I mean, at least we've got that going for us, a basic level of coherency. I'm not sure Big Bad can say the same thing. Really.

I want you to imagine two people, you don't know, having a conversation you can't really hear. That's the first twenty-eight minutes of this movie. It's only seventy-eight minutes long total, but somehow it feels like at least triple that. Sure, some crazy shit happens near the end, but you simply can't care. You can't. The dialogue, when you can discern it, is atrocious. But, compared to the visuals, it's f--king stellar. Seriously. I have never seen an uglier film. I felt like I was watching a bad VHS tape through a fish tank. It was likely a budgetary/stylistic choice, but still. It's inexcusable that I should be allowed to rent something so easily that's so difficult to watch.

Okay, enough of this. The movie is bad and I obviously hated it. No sense in beating a dead horse. Though, as awful as it sounds, watching someone actually beat a dead horse may be easier to sit through than The Big Bad

Speaking of awful visuals, here are the Yays and Boos. I wonder which one there will be more of...

This is one of the nicer looking shots.
Yaaay!
  • This is a Phase 4 Films release. Which, honestly, means nothing to me other than the fact that a trailer for something called Bad Kids Go to Hell was shown before hand. It looks terribly interesting. Or the other way around...
  • At one point, as shown in that picture to the left, the main chick gets a pretty badass eye patch. Yep. The best part of this movie was eye wear.
  • At one point, a dog barking in the movie made my own dog sit up and look around confused. At that moment, to my overwhelming delight, man and beast were one.
  • And finally, I learned something about myself after this one. I am not a quitter, no matter what my last employer says.
With this chick, I was kind of glad everything was out of focus.
Booooooooo!
  • Sometimes, when movies become increasingly hard to understand, the old bastard that I am turns to the subtitles for help. There aren't any for this movie. Never have I been so envious of the deaf.
  • Molly, the main character, is at a bar when someone wings a glass at her head. Her solution? Go outside and beat the shit out of a tire. With a bat.
  • Okay, this might be a Yay, I'm not sure. Anyway, Frankie finds this chick, Molly, supposedly dead in the bathroom. After muttering oh crap, she throws her arms around her, and guides the dead body out of the bar. But when eyebrows are raised, she opts for jamming her tongue down the throat of the corpse, suggesting she's just had a few too many. Hysterical, right? Wait. It gets better. After all the tonsil hockey, Frankie spits so much corpse blood out of her mouth, you'd expect her to be sitting on a tiny stool opposite Apollo Creed in a heavyweight title fight, not dragging a dead wench out of a dive bar.
  • I guess the aforementioned Molly was a vampire. Or something. Either way, that bitch gets stabbed 900 times. But not in a cool way, if that makes sense.
  • This happens, I think. Molly pulls her own eye out of another woman's eye socket and returns it to her own. She then throws water on the newly eyeless lady, which naturally causes her to throw up. For two minutes. This vomiting effect was deftly portrayed by what I can only assume were two guys, off-camera, lazily swordfighting with garden hoses.
  • They use the whole fade to black, surprise!, something random happens trick entirely too much.
  • Speaking of overkill, I'm pretty sure she punches her wolf-dad twenty times in a row. If she only punched him once, it might have shaved a bit of the run time, which would have been appreciated.
  • There was a point where I was hoping that there was going to be thirty-four minutes of credits.
  • And finally, even though I truly hated the finishing move at the end, I'm even more pissed that I'm not even sure who she finished. Unf--king believable.
If you're actually still reading this, guess what you just earned? Yep, you got it: revenge. 

I mean, I totally killed your time.

5 comments:

  1. LOL, where do you find this shit? I've never heard of this movie, but I enjoyed reading your review. It made me laugh several times, like always.

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  2. It was right before Halloween and I was desperate. And tired. This was at Redbox and I sorted it by genre. This was the shortest 'horror' film. Bastards.

    But the only thing really scary was how bad it was.

    Good to know somebody is laughing about this flick. I'm pretty sure I ended up in tears.

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  3. You really have a talent for finding those films :) It really looks horrible, maybe the weird look and terrible sound of the movie was a blessing. It's amazing you didn't quit, I'd probably give up after 10 minutes.

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    Replies
    1. That's really a good point. Maybe they were intentionally trying to spare us....

      I don't think I've ever given up...though, I think it speaks more to how little I value my time than any more admirable trait

      Damn.

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