Saturday, April 5, 2014

Before we get started, does anyone want to get out?

If two years ago, you helped me fix my car and it broke down again, I'd call you up. If two years ago, you, me and another guy rescued some kittens, and yesterday, on my walk home, I found more kittens in peril, again, I'd call you up. And if two years ago, you, me and a bunch of bad ass motherf--kers saved the f--king planet from an alien invasion, guess what I'd do if it was happening again?

I'd partner up with the weakest of the bunch, call a guy I met a week ago, and take care of it with them.

I really wanted to love Captain America: The Winter Soldier. I did. The early buzz painted a picture of some sort of cinematic masterpiece, besting many, if not all, of the previous entries into the the Marvel Universe. And while I enjoyed the film enough, I'd like to go on record with a simple five word response to the unanimous praise heaped upon Cap's incredibly broad shoulders. Are you f--king kidding me?

The Winter Soldier tells an impressive story about a dark force buried deep within the core of S.H.I.E.L.D. It turns out no one can be trusted, and this sinister group has plans on killing as many as twenty million people worldwide. Turns out they tried to cleanse the world by force some time ago, now the plan is to have the masses ask for it. Honestly, this entire angle was pretty cool.

Also overwhelmongly positive, would have to be the cast. Anchored by Chris Evans and Scarlett Johansson, and featuring newcomer (to the 'verse, anyway) Anthony Mackie as Falcon, I enjoyed the second look at Cap and his crew. Each member of this likable trio delivers a solid, if slightly unspectacular performance. They all look the part, seem to be enjoying themselves, and most importantly, kick enough PG-13 ass to please the masses. Sounds good so far, right?

Oh, so it's the villain, right? He sucks, doesn't he? Actually, no. The Winter Soldier, outside of his silly name and one Heineken-sponsored robotic arm, is actually pretty cool, too. While his backstory meant nothing to me, I could still appreciate his brand of ruthless killing. In fact, the idea that he doesn't really say anything actually added to his appeal. Loki can talk all he wants to because he f---king sounds awesome, but most villains are simply way too prone to long-winded douchery. Save your speech for the hero's corpse, bro. Otherwise, it can get ridiculous.

So, hold on. Let's check the scoresheet. Good story, good cast and a solid villain? Check, check, check. So what's not to like? Outside of it being a tad too long, and a bit too serious, not much. It's a good flick. Just don't go into the theater expecting greatness, but worse, don't leave the theater nerd-boner in hand trumpeting Best. Movie. Ever! Because you're gonna feel silly about that later. Trust me.

Who you can't trust, are those silly twats the Yays and Boos. Those two still secretly think the second Thor movie [review] was way better than this one. Don't bitch to me, I just type shit up for them. Fingerless a-holes.

If only there were chairs, she wouldn't have to stand with her ass like that.
  • Cap, you handsome f--k. Seriously. I stared at this guy's chest like he was...
  • ...Scarlett Johansson. I was a fan of the 'regular' side of Black Widow. When she admitted she's basically full of shit most of the time, I loved her more. Well, if that's possible. Oh, and thanks to everyone alive for that sweet ass shot after she devastated those seamen. Pretty sure I spelled that right.
  • Peggy. If my math's right, this lady is...carry the one...two hundred and eleven and still smoking hot. She's my best girl too.
  • Nick Fury's downtown escape was bad ass. I mean, they were bringing some serious heat. Good thing his AC was fully-operational.
  • You're going to hear (or have heard) a lot about the action. Even if it's a little bloodless for my tastes, there are some fantastic scenes. Cap storming the ship was a great way to kick things off, but my favorite was when he literally ran through a building.
  • Though...that was the best elevator fight scene since Drive. Well, third best. (Drive gets the top two spots)
  • The only thing better than the Bye-bye bikinis line was Cap's response to it.
  • Stan Lee's cameo. I thought he was gonna drop an f-bomb there for a second.
  • Okay. Serious time. The Winter Soldier throws some random a-hole into a jet engine. No, for real. I think I'm gonna cry that's so awesome.
  • And finally, Robert Redford. Even if his part isn't as great as it could've been, there's something so right about seeing this guy on the big screen. It just feels natural.
No, no. I already checked. This isn't from A Knight's Tale.
  • With literally the coolest technology in the f--king universe, Nick Fury still has a dead pirate's eye-patch? Does S.H.I.E.L.D have medical?
  • Cap's shield. While I f--king love the idea of throwing a shield at someone more than some actual people in my family, I will admit it, I have concerns. See, sometimes it bounces off dudes, yet other times will get buried a foot deep in a concrete wall. Sorcery!
  • So, um, no one noticed that they built the world's largest factory under Washington, D.C.? Interesting.
  • Cap's pad. Apparently, saving the world only gets you a fourth floor apartment. Imagine living below Captain America. Damn, Steve. Thanks for the stopping those giant space worms and all, but could you stop going to your kitchen at four in the morning? The f--k, man?
  • Never trust a guy loading the vending machines during visiting hours at the hospital. Never.
  • If you're the housekeeper of a top-secret a-hole, here's a tip. If you leave your phone behind, f--k it. Get that shit in the morning.
  • Since it seems we get about a dozen of them, I really hope you like last-minute saves.
  • And giant robotic wings that never really get a close-up. Or explanation.
  • Gary Shandling! I actually like this guy. I'm just booing the fact that I used to watch his show. Twenty years ago.
  • Launch Code Guy. I feel your pain, brother. Once, when I worked at Best Buy, my manager asked me to put something away on the other side of the store, even though I knew it didn't belong there. I refused and things got pretty intense for me, too.
  • And finally, even though I'm rooting for the guy, could someone, anyone, please shoot Cap in the motherf--king legs, please? I mean, they'e right there. You've used a gun before, right?
I really don't want to belabor it, because I did the same thing in my Iron Man 3 post, but seriously, why don't these guys ever call on the other Avengers? Thor gets a pass because he's from another dimension, but why not dial up Bruce Banner? Hell, what about Hawkeye? That dude ain't doin' shit (outside of pretending to be a mayor in 1970's Jersey). I'm sure he wouldn't mind lending his magical bow. If these movies are going to be based in reality, then it only makes sense, right? Oh, but you're saying it's a comic book movie, aren't you. And that I should probably calm down, huh?

Fine. But only if you best movie ever guys do, too.


  1. I seriously have to lol at your eye patch joke. When I watched Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D, they had one episode where a woman who was blind in one eye had her eye replaced with a camera thing that she could see through (an receive message via text and what not) Why doesn't Fury have that? Great question.

    Love the review, I'm hopefully going to be able to see this soon.

    1. Haha, thanks. I don't's nitpicking, but some of the tech they have is soooooo savvy and incredible, it makes all there other stuff seem absolutely ridiculous. If I had seen that Agents bit, I probably would have announced my displeasure to the entire theater.

      Too busy with the Twins, huh? (I might end up rooting for them too, since the f--king Brewers have destroyed the Red Sox so far this weekend)

  2. Well, "Heineken-sponsored robotic arm"... now I have to see it.

    I've had this paranoia that a mass genocide will happen soon because there are so many people in the world and the growth is still exponential. But making us want it? Bold move. And scary. Damn.

    1. I don't even drink and that arm is pretty badass. Might have to start, now...

      I'm not sure I explained it properly, but their overall plan is pretty cool, even if it involves the German (or Swiss?) version of the guy from Transcendence. Well..not that I've seen that movie yet...but...when you see Cap...well. That still won't make any sense.

  3. Yeah, this movie is way overhyped. It was OK, but it's no Avengers or my fav Marvel movie - Thor. I think it's because of Cap. Nothing against Evans but his character is just a boring, perfect guy. Flawed characters are interesting not ideal heroes.

    1. I'm with you. Thor was better. The first Thor was better than the first Cap, as were the sequels.

      Evans is really good as Cap, but I think Thor is just a more amusing character to play (and Hemsworth seems to enjoy it more, too). Plus, no Elba in Cap, right?

  4. I'm totally with you on this. I went in expecting something huge and while I enjoyed it, it is just a regular superhero film that has a bit more brains to it. And style, I mean Fury was awesome - though that is a given side effect of casting Samuel L. Jackson.

    Oh I was wondering the same thing about the shield, haha. And I too was staring at Evans (that chest/arms was waaaay too much) and Johansson, though in her case it was mostly for the makeup - that foundation was clearly not a match (girl talk here okay) - but she looked insanely attractive, even in damn sneakers. And even I noticed that ass shot, it was so obvious! Anyway I think they worked great together, but I was actually glad that there was no big romance between them - that always seems to undermine everything else.

    1. This is a great comment. Even if I didn't totally agree with every part of it (which I did).

      Evans is a beast, and I commend him on how he plays Cap, but there is something flat about the character (even if that's the point). Oh, and ScarJo? Damn. Just...damn. Barbara Sugarman looks good in any type of footwear, shitty foundation or not!

      You know, looking back, I'm with you about the romance, too. The tease was enough. I loathe kissing while the f--king fate of the world is the balance.