Wednesday, April 30, 2014

He don't like strangers peeing on him.

This is going to be my final post.

See, I have this idea for a movie, you guys, that's so good, I'm probably done working for free. Shit, I may even contact HBO and see if they want to make it into an eight-part mini-series. It's all pretty exciting.

The story takes place years ago, deep in the dirty, sweaty south. Two guys are investigating a murder that most people could give a f--k about. Allegedly behind the crime, is a real f--king psychopath. A truly demented piece of shit. Further complicating things, it seems, is the fact that each of the guys digging up the past are batting demons of their own. This makes the case secondary at best. Every turn leads to more and more sexual depravity, with someone getting tied up and screwed senseless. One half of this duo will be played by the extremely inquisitive and impossibly handsome Matthew McConaughey. The other half? I was thinking we should cast an actor who made his mark in television, but has since blossomed into a full-on movie star. He's a real badass motherf--ker, too.

Obviously, I'm talking about Zac Efron.

Bullshit aside, what the f--k is The Paperboy? No really. Tell me how this film even exists. Tell me how Matthew McConaughey is this film. No, f--k that. That almost makes sense. Tell me how in the world Nicole Kidman is in this? Did she read the script? Does she have an agent? Or is item 9,000 on her bucket list to piss on the face of Zac Efron? Because after spending 107 minutes drenched in the stank of Lee Daniel's 2012 flick, I need some answers. Or at the very least, a shower.

Also in need of some soap and extremely hot water, is every single aspect of this film. Set in a seedy Floridian town in the tumultuous 1960's, The Paperboy tells the story of two-would be journalists attempting to free a wrongly-convicted murdered just prior to his impending execution. Complicating matters is Charlotte (a bewildering Kidman), a trainwreck of a woman seemingly in love with Hillary (John Cusack, in the midst of an epic bender), the psycho f--k fingered for the murder. This crazy slut has never met Hillary, but due to her penchant for writing to locked-up scumbags, claims she has found her true love. Chasing this giant ball of shit as rolls straight to Hell is Jack (Efron, enjoying himself) a retired swimmer ('cause that matters) and younger brother of Ward (McConaughey), one of the reporters.

While the story, on paper (er, as a novel) anyway, may have been a real page-turner, seeing it brought to life on film is a different story altogether. Under Daniel's direction, the film successfully captures the grimy nuances of the schlock/exploitation flicks from the seventies, but that may be the only victory worth mentioning. Everything else feels like slumming, as the A-list cast seems content with merely out-sleazing one another. The script is the likely culprit, as many things said and done feel hollow and important in only their ability to shock. And between you and me, the only thing truly shocking is the fact that this f--ker was ever made in the first place.

Speaking of things that shouldn't exist but sadly do, here are the Yays and Boos. They've always wanted to see a dirty Kidman. Or did they mean dirty kid, man? Hopefully the former...yeesh.


  • It's also a Boo, but I have to give some credit to the lurid style of the film. Minus the famous faces, this flick could easily be a double feature with Foxy Brown [review] or something.
  • Man, if I ever get locked up? Fingers crossed some crazy bitch parks outside of my prison and sends me some good vibrations.
  • He's weird as Hell, and perhaps the ugliest man in a movie ever, but put your hands together for John Cusack. He really, um, banged this character out.
  • Everyone is always sweaty. Hysterical.
  • My thumbs. I mean, according to this movie, you need those. You know, for holding your wife's titties. Oh, and texting.
  • Speaking of, I loves me some psychotic ramblings. Note to self: When visiting my psycho ass boyfriend in jail? DO NOT WEAR PANTS. And, DO NOT BRING CASSIUS CLAY ALONG.
  • That Charlotte, well, she's a real giver. Even if she doesn't want to have sex with you, hang around long enough, and you're in. All right. Just this once.
  • Yardly! This guy is one hardcore mofo. Wait, that should read hardcore brofo. 
  • If you like sleaze, this is probably going to be your favorite movie of all time. Maybe even your second favorite, too.
  • And finally, as much as I enjoy a lovingly tender sex scene, I also really enjoy the exact opposite, as long as it's insanely ridiculous. Here, I'm pretty sure one of the principals was a stunt person, as one wrong move likely could have jettisoned someone through a concrete wall. I sincerely hope that was Cusack's last day of filming, because I doubt he could look anyone, and I mean anyone, in the eye after that one. I imagine he just zipped up his pants and stumbled into the nearby woods never to be heard from again.
  • Damn that beginning was abrupt. Felt like I walked in five minutes late.
  • Routinely I looked over to my wife to exchange the f--k is this? looks, only to see her totally asleep. Lucky.
  • Whoa. That was one Helluva show at the prison. But let's be honest, Hillary. Jizzing in your pants is like having a food-fight. Sure it's fun for a minute, but that mess ain't gonna clean itself up.
  • Speaking of Hillary, and this is actually important to the film, why would anyone, anyone, want to help this guy. The second he strolls into the visting room, I'd a been f--k this noise.
  • Oh my goodness, the beach scene. First we get the all too subtle line, You want me to blow you, don't you? Which leads to Efron's Jack going for an angry swim. Clearly, we're at rock bottom, as it is. But then....oh shit....then, we get jellyfish attack. Then we get piss. Lots and lots of piss.
  • Jeez, that hillybilly compound is frightening. Pretty sure that was a real gator being disembowled, huh? Damn. We were two missing kids (and a heap of drugs) away from that scary ass place in True Detective.
  • I actually like Zac Efron. And I like underwear. I don't really like them together. Often.
  • McConaughey's Ward. First, this dude doesn't really get enough screentime. Not only does the audience get screwed, but so does Ward. Um, in every way imaginable, too.
  • Trying to help. You and your family go out of your way to make sure a crazy ass hillbilly doesn't get the chair, and guess how he repays you? Here's a hint: It's not good.
  • Swimming. Why do they keep mentioning that Jack used to be a swimmer? Why? Well, when you find out, you're likely going to want to drown Michael Phelps, as the reason is so f--king stupid.
  • And finally, Lee Daniels. He might be a good dude, but what's up with him putting his name in front of The Butler and not this? And if you know the answer to this, and think it's something you should tell me, the next bullet is for you. Please use a Sharpie.
  • _____________________ for being an asshole.
You know, on second thought, I think I'm going to scrap that idea and just stick to blogging. I'd hate to go all the way through with something and have it turn out to be stupid and a waste of time.

Shit. It's too late, isn't it?


  1. Yeah, this movie is batshit insane, and not in a good way.

    1. Wendell, I think these tricky f--kers are a month late with their April Fool's. It's the only possible explanation.

  2. I think I'm one of the few people that liked this movie. Like Wendell pointed out, it's totally batshit, but I thought in a good way. My only problem was that Zac Efron was awful. Clearly this material is out of his range.

    1. I may have an irrational enjoyment of Efron (damn you, Hairspray), but I somehow managed to think he was okay. His character simply had nothing to do. Well, except for stand around in his tighty-whities, and not jerk off.

      Eh, glad you liked it. I felt like I was being punked.

  3. "This is going to be my final post."- you scared the shit out of me! :)

    I actually really enjoyed the movie. It was so shocking and absurd. Kidman was on fire and the cast was all committed to the film's crazy style, it seemed to me. Loved your point about Cusack's sex scene being the last he shot and him getting away from there. That scene was...a cinematic equivalent of WTF.

    1. Haha! I was trying to lure in the audience of it's about time this a-hole hung it up people.

      I can't believe you (and Brittani, and Fisti)! It was shocking how absurd this movie was. I totally agree that the cast was committed, but I'm still trying to figure out why. I'm convinced Daniels has video of each of the leads on the receiving end of a vicious Cusack-ass ramming, and they're simply trying to keep that shit under wraps.

    2. I was always more surprised that Kidman was in Von Trier's Dogville. I think she does indeed have a bucket list with some seriously masochistic ideas on who she wants to work with.

    3. Aw shit. I forgot about that one. I'm not even sure I can handle more Von Trier, as I still have to finish Nymphomaniac.

      Kidman, even in this mess, is still an incredibly talented lady, who appears willing to do just about anything. Um, except be naked (?).

    4. Oh, right! You still have that magical movie to see! :P

      I think it costs a lot to get her to be naked on film. Probably 10x more than that entire movie cost.

    5. Not that I really care, honestly!, but it was a tad ridiculous that she was basically fully-clothed during the madness of that scene.

      If Halle Berry can get a quarter million per boob....

  4. LOL, I'm with Sati! I thought you were serious for a milisecond and it scared the shit out of me!

    I reviewed this a long time ago:

    It's a complete fucking mess, and yet there is something about that messiness that made me kind of like this. Like Britt, the film is truly awful and yet despite the fact that none of it works it kind of does work because of not working, if that makes any sense.

    1. I'll read yours as soon as I'm done with this comment.

      So, we all agree this movie is awful, buuuutttttt in a good way?
      I feel like my doctor just told me I have a incurable STD, but man, was that guy handsome.

      Does that make sense? Cause that analogy doesn't all. But it kind of does.

      (I'm trying to be funny...though when I read that, I really sound like a dick [and I don't do smileys])

    2. BAH, be a dick! It's your blog.

      "It's you're blog, be a dick if you want to...a dick if you want to!" I have uncomfortable memories of sweating to the oldies. Fuck.

    3. To the movie, and film in general (well, bad film), I'm all for the dickery. But you guys that waste your time reading this shit? Nothing but respect.

      Richard Simmons. Yes.

  5. Ha, this post is hilarious. I agree, this movie is batshit ass crazy insane, but I dig certain parts of it. Matt Mcs final scene was some chilling shit - Cusack really sold it. As for Kidman... I'll give her credit for taking chances, which is something a lot of actresses of her stature don't do. So that's gotta count for something, right? (Maybe...)

    1. Thanks.

      If you're talking about the scene in the swamp, it was almost too weird for me. It was like, get behind me, and then....slice. Rather unceremonious, which I guess makes it pretty chilling. At first, I thought you meant that scene in the hotel...but obviously, that wasn't his final scene. I guess it was just because I personally, would have rather died there instead.

      It's true. You have to respect Kidman. She's a wildcard.

  6. Aside from the not-so-mini heart attack from the first sentence...

    "Oh my goodness, the beach scene. First we get the all too subtle line, You want me to blow you, don't you? Which leads to Efron's Jack going for an angry swim. Clearly, we're at rock bottom, as it is. But then....oh shit....then, we get jellyfish attack. Then we get piss. Lots and lots of piss." How is this a con in any way? Angry swim. A n g r y.

    Great review though. As always. Funny though how I would rather get peed on by Zac Efron than watch almost any of the films you review. Hmm.

    1. I know, angry swims are pretty sweet, but that scene completely typifies how insansley ridiculous this entire film is.

      Hmm. That last line almost seems like an insult. I mean, you'd rather get pissed on by Zac Efron than watch what I watch? Well, I guess ol' Troy Bolton likely has a beautiful wiener and a magnificent stream, so it does all sound rather glorious. I'm just watching shitty movies because they're so short and I can get through them before the kids wake up.

      Never mind about the insult. I'm with you fully.