Monday, February 16, 2015

Could it be that failure agrees with you?

Note: I don't care if any of the following seems silly or frivolous. It matters to me, so I'm going to type it. This is my website, and with the shocking support of some international bodies, I'm going to just churn out whatever the Hell I want. Pageviews (and coherency) be damned.

In high school, bees invaded our house. Like, a biblical amount. They had covered the exterior wall of my room, until ol' Pops Racer jerry-rigged some sort of poison to kill them. The bees, mildly pissed, left the wall and flew to a nearby tree where they decided to from into a giant f--king ball. Of bees. I was instructed to hold the bag! as my dad cut the branch. The bees thudded inside, and he quickly filled it with water to drown them. And while I can't speak for my father, I can tell you one thing: I didn't get stung.

I know, I know. Sorry ladies. I'm already married.

The above story may not mean anything to you, but if you've seen Jupiter Ascending...well, okay, it still might not mean anything to you. The Wachowski's latest, like my ridiculous bee story, is a well-meaning tale that ultimately amounts into just one thing: not f--king much. I didn't hate it, but it's certainly a tough one to love.

Mila Kunis plays Jupiter, a decidedly average maid who lets us know on more than one occasion that she hates her life. Somehow, this beautiful girl (despite stemming from a family of Russian Hagrids) has ended up in a life where she exclusively cleans the toilets of the rich. Hmm...I wonder if that's going to be relevant later? Anyway, ol' Jupes is so bogged down in her awful life, she's willing to, get this, sell her eggs so she can buy a telescope off of Ebay. That sentence alone makes we want to take the blue pill.

Way off into space, word has gone out that there has been a re-emergence of the newly-dead space queen's genetic code, and shocking no one, it's Jupiter. Apparently some feuding aristocrats/space-dicks need to make sure mum's alter-ego doesn't show up and take back their inheritance. Send in Magic Mike Gretzky (aka Channing Tatum), as the spliced tracker, Caine. He'll be sure to track her down before the bad guys do, assuming a bad guy can be rightfully determined. Caine is certainly the man for the job, as this motherf--ker can determine your location by smelling documents you once handled. Got all that? Good. Me neither.

Look, I could blather on for probably another thousand words or two, but needless to say, Jupiter Ascending, to its overwhelming detriment, is simply all over the place. It appears that the success of the Wachowski's first Matrix film has afforded them license to indulge themselves however they've seen fit, and we've reached what is hopefully rock-bottom. I know it sounds like I loathed the two-plus hours spent with Jackie and Jenko, but I'm more pissed about the the wasted potential. There's a tasty meal here, undoubtedly, it's just surrounded by generous servings of half-baked horseshit.

Even if this looks bad, trust me, you don't even know the half of it.
This may be the only picture in the world that when I look at it, I cover my ears.
Let me just say, I actually really, really like the Wachowskis. Even though it goes way off the rails at times, I adored Speed Racer. I love just about every single thing about that movie (John Goodman!). And obviously, Cloud Atlas wasn't for everyone, or perhaps anyone, but I certainly dug it [review]. But ever since they changed everything in 1999 with The Matrix, it seems they've spent almost two decades trying too hard to best their crowning achievement. The Wachowski's are like the sci-fi/action version of the Farrelly's. They'll never make another Dumb & Dumber, but that hasn't stopped them from trying.

Who should probably stop trying altogether, are the Yays and Boos. Though, to be fair, those hose hounds have quite the set of fun bags, so you kind of just half to humor them, vapid as they may be.


  • I'm not sure it's an actual saying, but there's a solid chance I'll exclaim Stallin's balls! at least once before life ends. Maybe twice.
  • I mentioned that Jupiter wants to sell her eggs, right? While that's decidedly uncool, the ensuing rescue scene it leads to is.
  • As is nine-tenths of all the action, honestly. Okay, sky-skating gets a tad ridiculous, but everything else is all kinds of badass. There was a particular mid-air rescue that made me hold my breath. For five minutes.
  • Another welcome aspect of all this space-tomfoolery? Random species doing random things. Lizard Guy looks amazing, but my personal favorite? F--king Elephant Guy. First, and perhaps most obvious, he's a f--king elephant. Second, and infinitely better, he's screen time is limited to  emitting (not enough) Chewbacca-like moans when shit is hitting the fan. I'm not lying to you...I almost pissed my pants.
  • Speaking of Star Wars, I'm pretty sure half of this movie takes place on Naboo.
  • Boromir shows up, and he kicks a healthy amount of ass. Always a plus.
  • I've gone on too long with out mentioning how sexy Kunis is, right? If only she had taken a bath with a hundred people, instead of her freaky 14,000 year-old daughter.
  • This may be hard to believe, but Channing Tatum is hands down the best part of this movie. Everyone else may want to pretend this never happened, but despite looking like Legolas had sex with Teen Wolf, Tatum's Caine does his best to keep this one afloat, even if it's swimming in the crapper.
  • And finally, even though it's kind of a dick move (in the theater, at least) this one becomes the perfect fodder for unintentional comedy. We kept our mouths shut for the first 90 minutes, but by the end I think the whole theater was like f--k it, and we all started commenting and laughing. And by we all, I mean us and the eight other dorks in the theater. (my comment of choice? 'The BEES! THE BEEEES!')

  • The initial robbery was so stupid. Not the telescope! Because that's important.
  • And from there things spiral into madness. That sexy, Russian college student? Oh, now she's giving birth in a f--king barge. Makes sense.
  • Holy shit, I forget her name, I think it's Katherine or something, but the only thing worse than the character is the (brief) performance. This chick is only in this movie for five minutes (and in her underwear the entire time), but I hated every second spent with her. Have you ever fallen in love, Jupiter? Where's Agent Smith when you need him?
  • Dogs. I love dogs. Where's Mickey O'Neil when you need him?
  • Remember those action scenes? The ones where all kinds of shit blows up real good? Apparently, the residents of Chicago aren't as easily impressed as I am, as those f--kers don't even notice that a flying elf is fighting space ships all over the f--king city
  • What the f--k was up with Jupiter's cousin? This guy was an asshole.
  • I'm going to bury this one in the middle (where it has an even less likely chance of being read), but is it just me or is one of Kunis' eyes significantly larger than the other one? She's very pretty, sure, but this shit was distracting. And combined with all her R2-D2-esque screaming, dare I say, at times, I wasn't a fan.
  • But what I was a fan of, despite being absolutely horrible, were the countless instances of random explosions that occurred a few feet in front of Kunis. I think the total number might only be like, six or so, but it felt like a thousand.
  • While random explosions may have rattled her Majesty once or twice, can I tell you? NOTHING ELSE DOES. She is way too cool with just about everything that happens. Oh, wait. She's from Chicago. Makes sense now.
  • As much as I loved Elephant Guy, it's just the opposite for Beethoven Rat Guy. Bad enough you've been spliced with an albino rat, but you've got to top the whole look off by dressing like an asshole? 
  • And finally, speaking of assholes, I'm pretty sure Eddie Redmayne has locked up the next ten years worth of Razzie's for his shit-tastic turn as Balem Abrasax. He flies his ship naked, which is bad, he looks like an ugly woman, which is worse. Still, each offense is relatively acceptable at the end of the day. But, dear God, his voice. It was as if someone was standing on just the tip of his penis for the entire duration of the film. And quite honestly, that pain would have been nothing compared to the fact that there is concrete evidence that he spoke like that in a film. I'm sure he is a wonderful actor, but I've got three words for him regrading this performance: What. The. F--k.
I actually saw this one last Saturday, the day after it was released. I'm pretty sure had I waited another week or two, I wouldn't have had the chance, as this one will likely leave the theaters hastily. Who knows, though. Maybe I could have had a private screening at my house. 

I mean, I am royalty.


  1. Just because it's really bad, I want to see it.. So I can hate it for a reason.

    1. It's bad, but certainly in an entertaining way. It's just soooooo uneven, the tone shifts from scene to scene.

      But I'd still recommend it...even as a hate-watch.

  2. I'm going to make a point of proclaiming "Stalin's balls!" at least once a day. Sometimes twice ... on special occasions.

    1. Yeah...I think birthdays and federal holidays are the ideal times. Maybe even a wedding. A space wedding.

  3. I laughed way too hard at "biblical amount of bees." This was fun to read, probably a lot more fun than actually sitting through the movie, though I'm tempted to Netflix it for something to laugh at eventually. lol Great review!

    1. I don't know, Brittani. It's pretty ridiculous, like, extra ridiculous, but for whatever reason, I'm not mad that I saw it. Netflix might be your best bet, unless you've got a cheap theater nearby (and two hours to kill) then I'd recommend seeing it on the big screen.

      Trust me...this f--ker is hilarious.

  4. "It was as if someone was standing on just the tip of his penis for the entire duration of the film" - this is the best description I have ever read here on that site :) i loathe Redmayne so much so I cannot wait to see this. Poor Kunis, though, I wish she was in better films.

    1. If you really dislike Redmayne as much as you're letting on, be careful: This may be your favorite movie ever. Rarely have I seen a performance as consistently cringe-worthy as what he does here. I imagine that after every take the entire room ran off as if they had an important meeting, only to find a place to laugh their collective asses off. It's beyond ridiculous.

      Kunis may deserve better, but she does little to help her own cause. Every frame she's in, she comes off as someone seriously mulling over what to order at Applebee's, rather than finding out she's a space queen thrust into the middle of an intergalactic conflict.

    2. Honestly seeing him tank will be so awesome after listening to his awful award speeches all season long :/

      oh and about Mila's eyes - I think she used to be blind in one eye until she was a teenager so maybe that's the reason for the disproportion

  5. I was thinking of skipping this altogether, but I'm reconsidering. Now I want to see how bad the movie really is. Great review!