Looking back, I don't know what I was thinking. While I could try to justify it countless ways, maybe even mention that the tickets were free, at the end of the day, I've got nothing. Granted, I'm not alone in what I did, as millions of people all over the world committed the same cinematic sin.
|I bet there's at least fifty in this scene alone.|
This exchange from Kevin Smith's Clerks. sums up last Saturday much better that I ever could.
Dante: You hate people!
Randall: But I love gatherings. Isn't it ironic?
You, despite currently visiting this site, have a little thing I like to call sound judgment. You would never be caught dead at something as God-awful as Fifty Shades of Grey. You prefer to watch second-tier Lifetime movies at home, where no one knows that you're doing it. But ol' m.brown? That sumbitch ain't half as smart as you. He's like Bill Paxton in Twister. He rushes headlong into that F5-rated shit-storm, smiling all the way.
And sometimes he even brings his lady-friend.
Yes, dear reader, I saw it. I have officially thrust my eyes upon the phenomenon that is Fifty Shades, and I can tell you, without reservation, it's as bad as everyone says it is. In fact, it's worse. Fifty f--king times worse.
Outside of what is common knowledge, I didn't know shit about these books heading into the theater. I think my wife had read two of them, back when her entire office (and the f--king world) was reading it, and she wasn't really interested in seeing it on the big screen (or at home, honestly). But once I got the passes, I was in. And about five minutes later all I could think was f--k this. F--k everything about this.
If you don't know, here's the short version: Chirstian Grey is a f--king asshole. Or a robot. Either way, he's rich. And when he's not busy running a company that exclusively hires Terminatrixes (Terminatrices?), he f--ks. Hard. Anastasia, who we meet, one can only assume, immediately after something heavy fell on her f--king head, is an English Lit student that lucks into interviewing Mr. Grey, when her journalism-major roommate Kate is unable to make it. I forget the reason, but I think it has something to do with the fact that Kate is twenty seven years old and still an undergraduate student.
Obviously, Grey, who despite having the charm and wit of a f--king corpse, who could presumably have any woman he desires, sets his sites on Anastasia. She's so doe-eyed and virginal she makes Tinkerbell look like Jenna Jameson. From there, contracts are negotiated, helicopters are ridden, and families are met. We're one rose ceremony from this being the shortest season of The Bachelor ever. Oh, except one thing. All the kinky sex.
Look, the whole S&M thing isn't for me. If that's your thing - awesome. Yay whips! But for me, not only am I not interested in doing it, quite honestly, I'm not interested in watching it. I know, I know - what the Hell were you doing there in the first place, bruh? And my only response is a shrug while I look at the ground. But, in my defense, I can now officially hate everything about this phenomenon firsthand. A small victory, sure. But I'll take it. Cue the golf clap.
Speaking of polite applause, here are the Yays and Boos. I had to cover their eyes for almost twenty minutes during this one. No, it wasn't the nudity or anything. I just don't want them seeing people reading from cue cards.
- Did I tell you I went to Seattle this summer? Man, that's a great city. I feel like this movie owes it an apology.
- Eloise Mumford. Yes, Kate looks waaaaay too old to be in college, but she's pretty hot so...I'll allow it.
- Man, if you like atrocious dialogue as much as I do...you might need a change of pants.
- For example, Anastasia, upon entering his f--king palace (after de-boarding from a helicopter he piloted) and seeing a Grand Piano, asks, without a hint of sarcasm, Do you play? I almost cried.
- Max Martini. I couldn't place him until I caught a bit of Pacific Rim later that night, but I could have sworn that he was Lance Armstrong on steroids. Well, more steroids, anyway.
- And finally, Dakota Johnson. While she might get the Jesse Spano Moves to Vegas Lifetime Achievement award for her role here, I have to stand up and cheer for how brave/ridiculous her performance ultimately is. And even though she looks like a kitten drowning in a puddle of unicorn tears (so adorable!) for 99% of this 'film', she makes the best of it. Oh, and girl gets all kinds of naked.
- Okay, um, apparently Anastasia has to fall upon meeting Grey for the first time. I don't know how many takes it took, but if the fall they went with was the best one...I can't imagine the others. Nor would I want to.
- The romantic chemistry here is severely lacking. I went home and watched Star Wars: Episode II just so I could remember what true love really looks like.
- The Jupiter Kunis-effect reared its ugly head yet again. According to my wife, and well...anyone that can see...Jamie Dornan's one eye is double the size of the other.
- Anastasia is graduating college! Yay! Her mom is so proud. Too bad she can't make it to graduation, you know, because her fourth husband broke his foot. Are you f--king kidding me? This was based on a book, right? You know that you can make things up that make sense, right? It's not like if a reader questions you, you have to have a doctor's note for f--k's sake.
- According to Anastasia's phone it's 1994. If only it were, I'd have been too young to see this bullshit.
- That was the sexiest buckling into a five-point harness I've ever seen. Fine, top 5 at least.
- It's called a flogger. [buzz] What is, what I wish someone would currently beat me with, Alex?
- What was with the condoms? Is this a PSA? He may be a f--king lunatic...but he's not crazy!
- You know that natural rhythm that exists between two people talking? I'm glad you do, because no one involved with this film has ever heard of it.
- Dude, Grey can braid hair like a motherf--ker. Oh, wait...it's because of the ropes and shit, isn't it? I had hoped it was his grunge days.
- I don't know exactly how long this movie was...but I'm guessing it was just under nineteen hours. (I may have overshot that)
- And finally, Mr. Grey himself, Jamie Dornan. I bet this guy is a nice dude, maybe even a capable actor. But here? In this? Yikes. I get it - Grey's cold and distant because of his TORMENTED PAST, but this guy sulks through this entire film as if he's never taken a shit in his life.
Well, it looks like my work here is done. But for closure's sake, let's wrap this one up with another quote from a Kevin Smith film. Although, I'm pretty sure I heard it during Fifty Shades of Grey, too.
Brodie: Are you insane? The guy looks like a date rapist!