Tuesday, February 17, 2015

Show me the worst.

Looking back, I don't know what I was thinking. While I could try to justify it countless ways, maybe even mention that the tickets were free, at the end of the day, I've got nothing. Granted, I'm not alone in what I did, as millions of people all over the world committed the same cinematic sin.

I bet there's at least fifty in this scene alone.

This exchange from Kevin Smith's Clerks. sums up last Saturday much better that I ever could.

Dante: You hate people!

Randall: But I love gatherings. Isn't it ironic?

You, despite currently visiting this site, have a little thing I like to call sound judgment. You would never be caught dead at something as God-awful as Fifty Shades of Grey. You prefer to watch second-tier Lifetime movies at home, where no one knows that you're doing it. But ol' m.brown? That sumbitch ain't half as smart as you. He's like Bill Paxton in Twister. He rushes headlong into that F5-rated shit-storm, smiling all the way. 

And sometimes he even brings his lady-friend.

Yes, dear reader, I saw it. I have officially thrust my eyes upon the phenomenon that is Fifty Shades, and I can tell you, without reservation, it's as bad as everyone says it is. In fact, it's worse. Fifty f--king times worse. 

Outside of what is common knowledge, I didn't know shit about these books heading into the theater. I think my wife had read two of them, back when her entire office (and the f--king world) was reading it, and she wasn't really interested in seeing it on the big screen (or at home, honestly). But once I got the passes, I was in. And about five minutes later all I could think was f--k this. F--k everything about this.

If you don't know, here's the short version: Chirstian Grey is a f--king asshole. Or a robot. Either way, he's rich. And when he's not busy running a company that exclusively hires Terminatrixes (Terminatrices?), he f--ks. Hard. Anastasia, who we meet, one can only assume, immediately after something heavy fell on her f--king head, is an English Lit student that lucks into interviewing Mr. Grey, when her journalism-major roommate Kate is unable to make it. I forget the reason, but I think it has something to do with the fact that Kate is twenty seven years old and still an undergraduate student. 

Obviously, Grey, who despite having the charm and wit of a f--king corpse, who could presumably have any woman he desires, sets his sites on Anastasia. She's so doe-eyed and virginal she makes Tinkerbell look like Jenna Jameson. From there, contracts are negotiated, helicopters are ridden, and families are met. We're one rose ceremony from this being the shortest season of The Bachelor ever. Oh, except one thing. All the kinky sex.

Look, the whole S&M thing isn't for me. If that's your thing - awesome. Yay whips! But for me, not only am I not interested in doing it, quite honestly, I'm not interested in watching it. I know, I know - what the Hell were you doing there in the first place, bruh? And my only response is a shrug while I look at the ground. But, in my defense, I can now officially hate everything about this phenomenon firsthand. A small victory, sure. But I'll take it. Cue the golf clap.

Speaking of polite applause, here are the Yays and Boos. I had to cover their eyes for almost twenty minutes during this one. No, it wasn't the nudity or anything. I just don't want them seeing people reading from cue cards.

  • Did I tell you I went to Seattle this summer? Man, that's a great city. I feel like this movie owes it an apology.
  • Eloise Mumford. Yes, Kate looks waaaaay too old to be in college, but she's pretty hot so...I'll allow it.
  • Man, if you like atrocious dialogue as much as I do...you might need a change of pants.
  • For example, Anastasia, upon entering his f--king palace (after de-boarding from a helicopter he piloted) and seeing a Grand Piano, asks, without a hint of sarcasm, Do you play? I almost cried.
  • Max Martini. I couldn't place him until I caught a bit of Pacific Rim later that night, but I could have sworn that he was Lance Armstrong on steroids. Well, more steroids, anyway.
  • And finally, Dakota Johnson. While she might get the Jesse Spano Moves to Vegas Lifetime Achievement award for her role here, I have to stand up and cheer for how brave/ridiculous her performance ultimately is. And even though she looks like a kitten drowning in a puddle of unicorn tears (so adorable!) for 99% of this 'film', she makes the best of it. Oh, and girl gets all kinds of naked.
  • Okay, um, apparently Anastasia has to fall upon meeting Grey for the first time. I don't know how many takes it took, but if the fall they went with was the best one...I can't imagine the others. Nor would I want to.
  • The romantic chemistry here is severely lacking. I went home and watched Star Wars: Episode II just so I could remember what true love really looks like.
  • The Jupiter Kunis-effect reared its ugly head yet again. According to my wife, and well...anyone that can see...Jamie Dornan's one eye is double the size of the other. 
  • Anastasia is graduating college! Yay! Her mom is so proud. Too bad she can't make it to graduation, you know, because her fourth husband broke his foot. Are you f--king kidding me? This was based on a book, right? You know that you can make things up that make sense, right? It's not like if a reader questions you, you have to have a doctor's note for f--k's sake.
  • According to Anastasia's phone it's 1994. If only it were, I'd have been too young to see this bullshit.
  • That was the sexiest buckling into a five-point harness I've ever seen. Fine, top 5 at least.
  • It's called a flogger. [buzz] What is, what I wish someone would currently beat me with, Alex?
  • What was with the condoms? Is this a PSA? He may be a f--king lunatic...but he's not crazy!
  • You know that natural rhythm that exists between two people talking? I'm glad you do, because no one involved with this film has ever heard of it.
  • Dude, Grey can braid hair like a motherf--ker. Oh, wait...it's because of the ropes and shit, isn't it? I had hoped it was his grunge days.
  • I don't know exactly how long this movie was...but I'm guessing it was just under nineteen hours. (I may have overshot that)
  • And finally, Mr. Grey himself, Jamie Dornan. I bet this guy is a nice dude, maybe even a capable actor. But here? In this? Yikes. I get it - Grey's cold and distant because of his TORMENTED PAST, but this guy sulks through this entire film as if he's never taken a shit in his life. 
Well, it looks like my work here is done. But for closure's sake, let's wrap this one up with another quote from a Kevin Smith film. Although, I'm pretty sure I heard it during Fifty Shades of Grey, too.

Brodie: Are you insane? The guy looks like a date rapist! 


  1. I downloaded the naked clips in its crappy cam-footage. I have to admit that Dakota Johnson is quite attractive and looks good naked. The sex and S&M stuff is horrible though. Not very sexy.

    1. First, and quite seriously, I must commend you for exclusively checking out the naked bits. I should have went that route. Who needs context?

      But yeah...the S&M stuff? Yikes. I don't cringe. I wince. Hard.

  2. I actually went to see it in the theater last night, so there are more of us doing horrible things to ourselves :) Oh man, how I loled - 'if you were mine, you wouldn't be able to sit for a week' '-...what?'. And that 'I fuck. hard.' seriously made me laugh out loud.

    Say what you want about Twilight at least these two had chemistry, this was like watching that chick trying to bring back the undead. Dornan was fucking horrible. Even when he makes a joke it was so joyless and charmless. When he said 'laters, baby' I cringed so hard my soul almost fell through my ass.

    1. I still can't believe you saw this one theatrically (um...too), but I'm so glad you did. By the end...damn near every line was cracking me up. Except for 'laters, baby' which made me want to kill something/everything. I still don't understand who thought those words, said by that man, were a good idea.

      I actually only saw the first part of the last Twilight flick...but like you said, I do recall there at least seeming to be some kind of chemistry between the leads. These two were the worst. And to think, they're going to have to make more of these.

      I better sit down.

      I need my soul.

  3. Oh crap. I kinda have a grudging respect for the fact that you sat through this so you could hilariously trash it. My son J. and I saw the trailer when we went to American Sniper, and we were both giggling, at the dialogue, through the whole thing. I mean have the writers ever heard actual people talk?

    Do you remember when we first met online? You were talking about the Human Centipede. I said my daughter actually wanted to see it, and you recommended that I let her, but only as a punishment. That's the only legitimate use I can conceive of for this movie. Forget "grounding" J. -- so you don't want to do your schoolwork? O.K. -- we're going downtown and watching 15 minutes of FSoG. What! Oh, you just earned yourself 20 MINUTES, young man.

    1. I wish I would have seen American Sniper instead of this. The timing didn't quite work out, and between you and me, I wanted in on the 'event' aspect of this one, rather than the legitimacy of Sniper. Looking back, clearly that was the wrong call. Clearly.

      Oh, I remember our Human Centipede exchange quite well. I'm not actually sure what would be worse punishment. Fifty Shades or this.

      Forcing people to eat shit?....or watching Human Centipede?
      Tough call!

  4. This is my favorite review in the history of forever. My wife actually wants to see this...so I'm going to send her with her bestie because I don't want to sit through this shit. I'll never be able to write a review as hilariously clever as this one, so why waste my time.

    Your boos are top notch, my friend!

    1. Ha, thanks man. I think you should see it. And if you're wife wants to check it out, even better. Not only would you be taking one for the team, but it would really help out your awards coverage.

      The Oscar's has a category for Best Original Use of a Sports Bra, right?

  5. Not gonna lie, I was hoping you would review this monstrosity. I loved that comment about Star Wars Episode 2..that bad huh? Wow.

    I loved reading this, I hope the experience didn't scar you and your wife for life.

    1. Yeah, I figured that I pretty much have to see this kind of shit, right? It's kind of my thing....sadly.

      I'm not kidding at all about Episode 2. This movie makes Hayden and Natalie look like Leo and Kate.

      I'm good. My wife? Well, she felt a little uneasy the whole time. What a wimp.

  6. I'm very happy to read your review because never am I ever going to seek this film out -- if someone handcuffs me to the couch and puts it on, yeah, okay, I won't close my eyes and ears, but I lack your courage. But I see the correlation between the excellence of your review and the horribleness of the film, so thank you for sitting through them, the boo-s are fantastic. The Star Wars one. Oh. Yes. :')

    1. Hmm...being handcuffed and forced to watch this. I'm sensing some sort of theme...

      The worst part of the whole experience is that this movie was the next thing I saw after Jupiter Ascending. It's like I hate myself or something.

  7. It's been a while since I laughed this hard about a review. Thank you. I needed that. No, I won't be seeing this tripe. I read the book (WORST BOOK I'VE EVER READ), so I've already given my pound of flesh to this franchise. Great review.

    1. Ha! Thanks for that!

      I applaud you for actually finishing the book, that shit takes commitment. Though, between you and me, I suspect the book is probably hysterical.

      Must resist...temptation

  8. Oh man, bless you for seeing this. No way I could do it. Loved this review, "You know that natural rhythm that exists between two people talking? I'm glad you do, because no one involved with this film has ever heard of it."

    That killed me!

    1. Yes, this is an unequivocal disaster, but there is a tiny bit of satisfaction knowing that firsthand. You're not even the least bit curious? Even just a little?
      Clearly, you're a better human being than I am. Clearly/.

      Have you ever done that thing when you're talking on a phone and you and the other person keep talking over each other? That's what this movie is....except no one is talking. If that makes sense.

      Thanks for the kind words as always, AW