Monday, February 9, 2015

Dude, a stool?

The summer after my freshman year of college, I took my dad to see Saving Private Ryan. As we were walking to the car, I distinctly recall saying to him, well, they'll never make another war movie after that. He nodded in agreement, silently understanding my point. After what we just saw, why would any other film even bother? Well, that's the funny thing about creating such a compelling story.

It inspires.
If Shaun of the Dead is the patriarch of the zom-com family, Zombibi is the weird second cousin that no one's ever met. Originally released in 2012 and listed on Netflix Instant as Kill Zombie!, the parallels between the two films are obvious. The key difference, if you can believe it, is that Shaun at least took itself somewhat seriously.

Instead of a bunch of working class stiffs in South London, Zombibi's worker bees reside in the Netherlands. Apparently a Russian satellite (um, covered in space moss) has crashed and unleashed a zombie plague in Amsterdam-West.

Office drone Aziz, who the night before was arrested for disorderly conduct, awakens with zero knowledge of the chaos outside. It's only as he and his a-hole brother Mo (and the two guys they fought) check their phone messages do they realize that something's amiss. As they head out to the street, they quickly realize that something terrible has happened. The only person in the street is a little old lady, who just so happens to be infected. Needless to say, this bitch won't die. To the safe zone they go!

Or so you'd think.

After a distressed phone call from his 'girlfriend', Aziz decides he must rush headlong into the epicenter of the outbreak. Tessa is in a bad spot, and being that she is impossibly hot, Aziz must rescue his one true love. No one else is on board with this plan, outside of the even sexier Cop Lady. She digs this romantic gesture and tags along. The other guys? Well, they'll head into the city, too. But only to rob a bank.

Look, this movie is 900% ridiculous, but in a way that I can fully get behind. It runs under 90 minutes and consistently dials the stupid to eleven. So much so, I found myself laughing out loud probably half a dozen times. Oh, it's basically terrible, and pointless...but after trudging through the melodrama of Saving Mr. Banks - it was just what the doctor ordered.

Only prescribed to treat insomnia, here are the Yays and Boos. Though judging by the pageviews lately, it seems like medical professionals have found a healthier alternative. Yikes!

I can't even begin to tell you how awesome this guy is.

  • Hate to spoil it, but this whole ordeal is started when Mo kicks a soccer ball directly into the face of a random hoochie.
  • I don't know who he is, but Newscaster Guy is hysterical.
  • Even though I initially hated him, Uriah Arnhem's Nolan character completely owned in this movie. His dual-wielding of bowling balls was awesome enough, but the look on his face when he gets a bowling shirt almost made me cry. Due to its f--king awesomeness.
  • There are a lot of good kills, but my favorite might just be average oscillating fan to the face.
  • But you know what's even cooler than killing countless zombies? Gently kicking them out of your way! (I'm completely serious)
  • A few times, the movie has these videogame-inspired graphics and titles (Scott Pilgrim-esque) that are pretty frickin' rad. The intro to the Zombie BALL-BUSTER being a particular favorite.
  • You have to love a character that insists on using a stool as a weapon. Even when there isn't a single stool around.
  • Two words: The Barachis.
  • One of my favorite scenes? Well, it's not directly titled...but I call it push-cart hammer frenzy. Wait. go ahead and add sexy anywhere in that. Trust me, it'll still applies.
  • And speaking of sexy, where have you been all my life, Gigi Ravelli? Hot damn. She makes a dragon want to retire, man. 
  • And finally, the ending. The zombies are defeated...and then, well...some other monster appears. It's fangtastic. I'm sorry...fantastic. My keyboard totally sucks. As does my ability to be subtle. Or intelligent.
Please taser me.
  • Ben Saunders. Not because I have anything against him...I just didn't know who he was.
  • White Guy. You, sir, are a real dick.
  • This is actually a Yay...I think, but blood splatters on the screen a lot.
  • ...especially in one of the most brutally awful death scenes ever. He just wouldn't die. They threw everything at him...even the kitchen sink.
  • Tessa, the hot chick Aziz gives up everything for? Turns out she's a dirty ho-bag. She actually called every single guy in the office she had sex with. Which just might be all of them. Except Aziz.
  • There's this lunatic Russian army guy, Mad Dog Mousekewitz (fine, there's a good chance that's not his last name) who kicks lots of ass. Wait. He would. If he didn't go out like a bitch thirty seconds after he shows up.
  • Poor Jeffrey spends the last thirty minutes of this movie walking up a huge flight of stairs.
  • And finally, even though it wouldn't have made any sense (though, to be fair...none of this shit does), this movie is completely free of nudity. I know, I know. I'm better than that, right? No. No, I'm not, actually.
Well, obviously, after this post, they should probably never write another review of Zombibi, huh? Assuming there was another one to begin with...


  1. OMG, I kind of want to see this now. Like...this sounds fricking wonderful!

    1. Ha. If you ever sink to my depths...let me know what you thought of this one. It's pretty stupid, but in a charming way, if that's at all possible.

  2. Wow. Never heard of this before now and now I must see it. If nothing else, I have to see the Zombie Ball Buster.

    1. Ah, the Zombie Ball Buster. Unfortunately for everyone's not as ball-busting as one would have hoped. It's the thought that counts.