And that is why I'll always love you.

If I remember correctly, we were coming back from a Red Sox game. A crushing defeat to the Twins as I recall, the Sox falling apart in the top of the ninth. Anyway, as so many douchey twenty-year-olds are apt to do, naturally, my friend and I stopped at Wal-Mart on the way home...to buy aviator sunglasses.

While I was standing near the registers, spinning the sunglasses thingy to no avail, I noticed there was some sort of disagreement at the lane closest to me. I'm not much of a gawker (maybe if I had my aviators, I would have been), so I just kind of...kept tabs on the situation while continuing to go about my business. Suddenly, somebody put their hands on somebody else, two guys hit the ground, and somebody yelled, HE'S GOT A GUN! 

And in that moment, where perhaps my life was in the balance, I played it cool. Like, I walked away as if I'd halfheartedly forgot to buy something in Produce, not as if my life depended on it. 

Maybe I like to believe in the best of people, or more likely, maybe I'm a f--king moron. 

The more I think about writer/director Patrick Brice's Creep, the more I f--king love it. Watched under the least ideal circumstances ever (more on that later), this found footage flick is about the creepiest f--king film I have ever seen. And the reason why I still shudder when thinking about this 82-minute film days later? F--king Mark Duplass.

Or should I say, f--king Peach Fuzz?

The premise is incredibly, and possibly, eerily simple: A freelance cameraman is given one thousand dollars to help a man create a day-in-the-life-of video. It turns out Josef (the chilling Duplass), has been diagnosed with a brain tumor, and has hired Aaron (Brice) to record something Josef plans to leave to his (currently) unborn son. Nothing creepy here, right? Well...

Josef is a f--king weirdo. This is painfully obvious. But he's a hugger, too. And a very open guy. In fact, his transparent nature almost seems like a mental condition. It's alarming, sure, but he's so quick to thoroughly apologize, even the strangest offense is quickly forgiven. Oh, the warning signs are there, no doubt, but believe me, Aaron isn't going anywhere. Not that I blame him.

Initially.

Many times over, and maybe to the film's detriment, Creep consists of these moments where you might find yourself saying get the f--k outta there, man! as Aaron continues to further ensnare himself in Josef's web. But as my entirely pointless introduction intimated, Aaron isn't that type of guy. He's a trusting dude, who is willing to accept an apology, or simply give someone the benefit of the doubt. And I'm sure the thousand dollars and Josef's terminal brain condition don't help either.

There's a chance you won't like this movie at all, I'm sure, but if you do decide to watch it, no matter what, stay till the very end. By all means, get the Hell out of this post now if you plan on cranking it up on Netflix, as the last five minutes scared the shit out of me and I'd hate to ruin that moment for you below.

That said, you've been warned. Get out now! Here are the Yays and Boos. No, really. You probably should just go.

I used to like this guy.
Nope. Not anymore.

Yaaaaaaaay!

• My God, it gets so weird, so fast. The whole 'tubby' thing is soooo frighteningly...er, sweet?
• Lots of hugs in this one. Lots. 
• The black screen scene is magic. Black magic, sure, but holy shit does that take an unexpected turn.
• Angela. It's funny that Aaron would hear the voice of an angel in his own personal Hell.
• I've already mentioned him briefly, but the f--king Peach Fuzz (the 'friendly wolf') mask/persona is just about the worst (best?) thing I have ever laid my eyes upon. And when he blocks the door? F--k me.
• I would say three-quarters of the time I thought this film was poorly acted. But, the more I thought about it, I think it's master-class stuff by Duplass. He comes off as full of shit and uninterested...because he is. And Brice evens manages to bring it, too (in fairly limited screen time).
• We've got a pulse! Though there's at least one or two scenes where it's okay, put the f--king camera down, a-hole, for the most part this is an excellent use of the hopefully-dead found-footage angle. It works very well here. Very well.
• And finally, I give an endless amount of points for the ending. I was so worried about what I was going to see, I almost closed my eyes. And then when I saw it? I wish I had. And then? Then it got worse (and I almost jumped out of my f--king skin, thank you very much).

Aw. This is kind of nice, right? Nothing bad could happen here...

Boooooooooo!

• Josef's a real joker, you know? And by joker I mean f--king madman.
• Dude, every single time he ran away I wanted to stop watching the movie immediately. What the f--k, man? You don't leave somebody in the woods like that. Dick.
• Aaron's confession was odd, to say the least (as was his dream, later on).
• You're really going to have some whiskey with this guy? Really?
• I don't care how dark, how dangerous it might be - in that moment? You gotta go.
• Those DVDs were the worst. Especially the one with the instructions...and the baby wolf. And the knife.
• Not that there's anything wrong with it, but the locket thing kind of rubbed me the wrong way. Is it creepy, or just stupid?
• Noise at the door? No f--king way you go out to investigate. And no f--king way you bring the camera.
• What was that chainsaw in the distance? I didn't like that at all. 
• And finally, f--k you to Brice and Duplass for scaring me...still. I wanted to kick off 'horror month' with a quick little scary movie. Not something that was going to emotionally scar me. Assholes.

I initially started this flick on Friday night, but was too tired from school to make it through. Upon taking my dog to the groomers at eight in the f--king morning on Saturday, my Jeep decided to not start. I called for a jump and the guy said he'd get to me in an hour an half. Ooookay...so now what do I do? Alone. For an hour. Oh, right. NETFLIX! Victory for m. brown! (Bloggers/Dads...you hear me, right?)

But I didn't have my notebook. Or headphones. Or a f--king pen. Or food. Where could I remedy this...on the cheap, no less (remember, I was looking at going to a mechanic later that day)? The only place in the world that's open that early and would have all of these ridiculous components.

Yeah. You guessed it. 

F--king Wal-Mart.

McDonald's breakfast? Too much. But the headphones? A buck. Pack of pens? Fifty cents.
One Direction Notebook? Ninety seven cents, bitches1

By the way, the guy didn't show up for three hours. And right before he finally got there (and minutes after I finished the movie), I thought to myself, I gotta get the f--k out of here. Now. So I tried my dead car...for the tenth time. And guess what? It f--king started right up.

What the Hell am I doing here? I don't belong here.