Monday, October 5, 2015

And that is why I'll always love you.

If I remember correctly, we were coming back from a Red Sox game. A crushing defeat to the Twins as I recall, the Sox falling apart in the top of the ninth. Anyway, as so many douchey twenty-year-olds are apt to do, naturally, my friend and I stopped at Wal-Mart on the way home...to buy aviator sunglasses.

While I was standing near the registers, spinning the sunglasses thingy to no avail, I noticed there was some sort of disagreement at the lane closest to me. I'm not much of a gawker (maybe if I had my aviators, I would have been), so I just kind of...kept tabs on the situation while continuing to go about my business. Suddenly, somebody put their hands on somebody else, two guys hit the ground, and somebody yelled, HE'S GOT A GUN! 

And in that moment, where perhaps my life was in the balance, I played it cool. Like, I walked away as if I'd halfheartedly forgot to buy something in Produce, not as if my life depended on it. 

Maybe I like to believe in the best of people, or more likely, maybe I'm a f--king moron. 


The more I think about writer/director Patrick Brice's Creep, the more I f--king love it. Watched under the least ideal circumstances ever (more on that later), this found footage flick is about the creepiest f--king film I have ever seen. And the reason why I still shudder when thinking about this 82-minute film days later? F--king Mark Duplass.

Or should I say, f--king Peach Fuzz?

The premise is incredibly, and possibly, eerily simple: A freelance cameraman is given one thousand dollars to help a man create a day-in-the-life-of video. It turns out Josef (the chilling Duplass), has been diagnosed with a brain tumor, and has hired Aaron (Brice) to record something Josef plans to leave to his (currently) unborn son. Nothing creepy here, right? Well...

Josef is a f--king weirdo. This is painfully obvious. But he's a hugger, too. And a very open guy. In fact, his transparent nature almost seems like a mental condition. It's alarming, sure, but he's so quick to thoroughly apologize, even the strangest offense is quickly forgiven. Oh, the warning signs are there, no doubt, but believe me, Aaron isn't going anywhere. Not that I blame him.

Initially.

Many times over, and maybe to the film's detriment, Creep consists of these moments where you might find yourself saying get the f--k outta there, man! as Aaron continues to further ensnare himself in Josef's web. But as my entirely pointless introduction intimated, Aaron isn't that type of guy. He's a trusting dude, who is willing to accept an apology, or simply give someone the benefit of the doubt. And I'm sure the thousand dollars and Josef's terminal brain condition don't help either.

There's a chance you won't like this movie at all, I'm sure, but if you do decide to watch it, no matter what, stay till the very end. By all means, get the Hell out of this post now if you plan on cranking it up on Netflix, as the last five minutes scared the shit out of me and I'd hate to ruin that moment for you below.

That said, you've been warned. Get out now! Here are the Yays and Boos. No, really. You probably should just go.

I used to like this guy.
Nope. Not anymore.
Yaaaaaaaay!
  • My God, it gets so weird, so fast. The whole 'tubby' thing is soooo frighteningly...er, sweet?
  • Lots of hugs in this one. Lots. 
  • The black screen scene is magic. Black magic, sure, but holy shit does that take an unexpected turn.
  • Angela. It's funny that Aaron would hear the voice of an angel in his own personal Hell.
  • I've already mentioned him briefly, but the f--king Peach Fuzz (the 'friendly wolf') mask/persona is just about the worst (best?) thing I have ever laid my eyes upon. And when he blocks the door? F--k me.
  • I would say three-quarters of the time I thought this film was poorly acted. But, the more I thought about it, I think it's master-class stuff by Duplass. He comes off as full of shit and uninterested...because he is. And Brice evens manages to bring it, too (in fairly limited screen time).
  • We've got a pulse! Though there's at least one or two scenes where it's okay, put the f--king camera down, a-hole, for the most part this is an excellent use of the hopefully-dead found-footage angle. It works very well here. Very well.
  • And finally, I give an endless amount of points for the ending. I was so worried about what I was going to see, I almost closed my eyes. And then when I saw it? I wish I had. And then? Then it got worse (and I almost jumped out of my f--king skin, thank you very much).
Aw. This is kind of nice, right? Nothing bad could happen here...
Boooooooooo!
  • Josef's a real joker, you know? And by joker I mean f--king madman.
  • Dude, every single time he ran away I wanted to stop watching the movie immediately. What the f--k, man? You don't leave somebody in the woods like that. Dick.
  • Aaron's confession was odd, to say the least (as was his dream, later on).
  • You're really going to have some whiskey with this guy? Really?
  • I don't care how dark, how dangerous it might be - in that moment? You gotta go.
  • Those DVDs were the worst. Especially the one with the instructions...and the baby wolf. And the knife.
  • Not that there's anything wrong with it, but the locket thing kind of rubbed me the wrong way. Is it creepy, or just stupid?
  • Noise at the door? No f--king way you go out to investigate. And no f--king way you bring the camera.
  • What was that chainsaw in the distance? I didn't like that at all. 
  • And finally, f--k you to Brice and Duplass for scaring me...still. I wanted to kick off 'horror month' with a quick little scary movie. Not something that was going to emotionally scar me. Assholes.
I initially started this flick on Friday night, but was too tired from school to make it through. Upon taking my dog to the groomers at eight in the f--king morning on Saturday, my Jeep decided to not start. I called for a jump and the guy said he'd get to me in an hour an half. Ooookay...so now what do I do? Alone. For an hour. Oh, right. NETFLIX! Victory for m. brown! (Bloggers/Dads...you hear me, right?)

But I didn't have my notebook. Or headphones. Or a f--king pen. Or food. Where could I remedy this...on the cheap, no less (remember, I was looking at going to a mechanic later that day)? The only place in the world that's open that early and would have all of these ridiculous components.

Yeah. You guessed it. 



F--king Wal-Mart.

McDonald's breakfast? Too much. But the headphones? A buck. Pack of pens? Fifty cents.
One Direction Notebook? Ninety seven cents, bitches1
By the way, the guy didn't show up for three hours. And right before he finally got there (and minutes after I finished the movie), I thought to myself, I gotta get the f--k out of here. Now. So I tried my dead car...for the tenth time. And guess what? It f--king started right up.

What the Hell am I doing here? I don't belong here.

16 comments:

  1. Wow at that intro. No way in hell I could have "played it cool." Definitely gotta check this movie out, though.

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    1. Ha. Yeah, I'm pretty stupid. There was a line in The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo that always reminded me of that moment (the one where you try to be polite/cool instead of getting the f--k out of there), but I couldn't find it, you know?

      Let me know as soon as you see it!!!!

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  2. DUDE!!! That intro. I know that feeling too well. I have a story, but this your moment so I'll tell you about it later. Anyways...I really want to see this now!!!

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    1. Hey...if you ever have a story, let's just do that here. Why the f--k not, you know? I'm just glad you read this shit, so by all means...seize the moment. Always.

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    2. Well...like 8 years ago I was at a gas station with my (now) ex best friend (not the same one, obviously, who fake stabbed me this weekend) and it was, like, 1AM, and he went inside for some...stuff...and then I saw him get on the ground and stupid me thought he was picking something up (because, well, stupid me) and next thing I know he's coming outside shaking and stuff and I see two masked me with shotguns walk out behind him and RUN FOR IT...and like...I realized I had just watched my best friend get robbed at gun point from the safety of my car and didn't even call 911.

      I felt like the worst.

      And now that I've seen this movie all I can say is every one of your boos is really a yay, right? I mean, like, every one of them.

      And tubby time has ruined any chance I ever had of taking a bath with my son. Like...not ever going to happen...ever.

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    3. Oh and MY GOD...those final few minutes were so tense but it was his screaming at the video of himself screaming that will probably give me nightmares forever.

      And Peachfuzz...dear lord!

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    4. First...I love your use of 'stuff' - so mysterious! I'm going to assume you mean Slurpees. You know, just for fun. But as the rest of your story? HOLY SHIT! That's incredible. I could totally imagine myself doing the same thing. I would have been like, what were you doing on the floor? Do you know how disgusting that thing is?.

      Yes, all the Boos are Yays. At least I think so. Sometimes, I honestly don't even know.

      F--k TUBBY TIME. Honestly, that might have been the biggest example of GET THE F--K OUTTA there in the entire movie. I mean...there was nothing awwwww about that. Sorry, Josef. But...no.

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    5. I was listening to the final minutes with headphones, and I'm not shitting you...I almost dropped my phone. For a split second, I was covering my mouth in disbelief...and then I almost shit my pants because the dual-screaming. What the Hell, Duplass?

      What about Peach Fuzz grinding on the door? Soooooo unsettling. So very, very unsettling.

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    6. I want to be very clear that I'm not lying AT ALL when I say that Josef IS my bestie. Like, not lying. To prove that point, last night we went over to his house for dinner and he put on a cat mask he found at Wal-Mart and started rubbing his butt against the front door and meowing at my entire family as we were trying to go home. I'm dead serious.

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    7. Unbelievable. Not in a 'you're lying' way...just...wow.

      I don't think I could handle that level of intensity. I'm waaaay too laid back for that.

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  3. YES! I love that you reviewed this. I have this scheduled to post on Friday. I liked it too. That final few minutes made everything worth it. (Well, I thought it was worthy the entire time, but still)

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    1. I'm soooooo glad you saw this one, too. It was so frickin' creepy, I couldn't handle it.

      You know what I did? I totally recommended it to my mom. I don't know what I was thinking...but, since we missed that Eli Roth flick, I figured I owed her one.

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  4. Haha wow. I could never have played it that cool.
    And for some reason I'm suddenly really excited to see this movie. I LOVE weird.

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    1. I wish I could say that I did indeed, 'play it cool' but it's more likely that there's just something seriously wrong with me. But yeah, it would have made a story if I had just lost my shit altogether. RUNNNNNN! RUN, F--KERS! *m.brown hits the deck* And then...crisis immediately solved, and shoppers have to step over me to check out. Um...anyway...

      Dude, apparently, you have to check this out! I love that I'm seeing reviews popping up all over. Join us!

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  5. 75 minutes....that sounds like something I can actually find the time to watch without splitting the viewing into several parts. It looks really fun and I like short films, when I put something on and it's over 2h long I actually get annoyed

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    1. Oh you GOTTA DO IT. It's so wonderfully upsetting, I really hope you manage to find the time. Duplass is fantastic and the end is so f--king brutal. Please, please, pleeeeeeease check it out and get back to me IMMEDIATELY.

      2 hours annoys you? Shit. I get all pouty if something is over 90 minutes. And before I can even finish complaining I pass out and drool all over myself like someone twice my age. It's pretty pathetic, actually.

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