Saturday, October 10, 2015

We don't have time for zingers.

Through work connections, I got hooked up with a complimentary room in the Back Bay Hilton. A nice one, too. It was Valentine's weekend, and I quite frankly had three things on my mind: getting out of town, my girlfriend and, well, I'll let you figure the other one out. At this point, my roommate had already moved/dropped out of college, so it wasn't a privacy thing. Just ask any guy, it was the unlimited possibilities of a big shower and an even bigger bed.

We dropped our bags at the foot of the bed, peeked out the window, you know, quickly went through the motions. And then? Then it was on.

But as quickly as it all started? It ended. Badly. It might have been a rip, a tear, maybe even a pinch. But...

...let's just say the Overlook isn't the only hotel to feature a bloody shaft.

But even that awful hotel experience was better than Adam Sandler's latest theatrical effort, Hotel Transylvania 2. While I have been essentially the last idiot faithfully aboard the Sandler Express, even in these lean years, safe to say I'm now joining you and the rest world along the tracks. Rotten tomatoes in hand.

To say this movie is a resounding disappointment would be putting it mildly. It is abysmal in just about every way possible. This is the Halloween movie equivalent of the old lady who gives out apples instead of candy. The first film was a surprisingly sweet and delicious Granny Smith [review]. But this? Not only is it bruised top to bottom but it's rotten to the core, too. In fact, it's begging to be thrown back to where it came from. Just check for razor blades first....

After genuinely liking (and re-watching) the first film, I assumed the sequel would be, at best, a watered down version of its predecessor. Less laughs, less surprises, and of course, less originality.  If only we had been so lucky.

There was a chance, though. I'm almost sure of it. After Mavis and Johnny fell in love in the first flick, it only makes sense that they totally get it on, um, and have a kid, right? Right. Well, while that's awkward enough, it turns out this movie isn't really about either of them, but it's somehow about Dracula (Sandler) instead. Turns out ol' Drac has lost his mind and is insistent on making sure his grandson, Denis, turns out to be a vampire. Sure, he'll love him either way...well, not really. This kid better be a vampire...even if they kill him trying to find out.

While maybe there might sound like a drop of hope in that (poorly-written) summary, trust me - there isn't. It's all so impossibly uninteresting, it's as if someone watched every single uninspired Adam Sandler flick of the last fifteen years...and then spent 80 million dollars animating them together. Not only does Sandler sound bored, but so do each of his cronies. I think I could hear magazine pages turning underneath as the characters were speaking. Though...that may have been just the other dads in the theater. 

Speaking of unfortunate losers, here are the Yays and Boos. This is our second 'spooky movie' of October, and at this rate...maybe our last. At least we've covered both ends of the spectrum.

  • Look, I don't care. Mavis is hot. Oh, shut up. She's like, a hundred and twenty. Totally doable.
  • The little kid? He kinda looks like Conan O'Brien. 
  • Drac's inability to use an iPhone was amusing...initially.
  • Love your chocolate cereal!
  • First Vacation, now this. It turns out 'GPS voice antics' are an easy laugh.
  • Dude, my son CRACKED UP when the Mummy guy was being flown like a kite. It didn't float my boat in the least. But hearing him giggle? That I can get behind.
  • It's brief, but I appreciate Kevin James stammering through the whole Frankenstein/Frankenstein's Monster bit. Not really sure how that happened either, you know?
  • Blobby. Yes, most of the laughs are cheap. But that ball of green goo? He was my favorite.
  • And finally, even though he basically just re-laughed at all the funny parts from the trailer...let me go ahead and applaud the fact that my son laughed probably half a dozen times. Lucky punk.
  • Dance scenes can be bad enough, but when they happen for no f--king reason whatsoever it's exponentially worse.
  • There's an extended scene at a bike park (at night?) that made me wish the entire cast of Rad did a wheelie over my balls, thereby making it impossible to keep watching the scene at the bike park.
  • The best part of this movie is the supporting cast of characters. Guess who's barely in this movie? No, go ahead.  Guess, dammit.
  • Vampire Camp. I don't remember what it's called, but I do remember hating it. Even that weird camp counselor was an unfunny jerk. What the Hell is this?
  • Jon Lovitz shows up as the Phantom of the Opera. This could have been funny. It wasn't.
  • Speaking of unbearably unfunny, Rob Riggle plays this gargoyle thing, Bela, and it's just about the worst thing I've ever seen in my life. And remember...this is a guy who cut, finger.
  • The knock off Cookie Monster thing was also surprisingly terrible. Though his line about diabetes wasn't the worst.
  • And finally, I'm telling you, I was almost embarassed for everyone involved at the alarming number of joke misfires. No, really. It got to the point where I was hoping a character would fart and/or fall down simply so someone in the room would crack up hysterically. Hell, I almost stood up and took one for the team on both fronts.
You know, not all my hotel experiences have been dreadful. One time I stayed at a Holiday Inn in downtown Cleveland...and it was amazing. The hotel is in an old bank, and it's pretty f--king rad, I must say. Oh, and upon check in, there was some sort of mix up, and we were given the penthouse suite. It was incredible. Huge ceilings, hardwood floors and this massive Jacuzzi tub basically in the center of the room. It was pure magic, you know? Especially considering I was traveling in a threesome. Yep. It was me...

...and two other dudes. Going to an Indians game the next day.

At least no one shattered their bat...


  1. Dude, I literally had to stop reading from.laughter and take a knee plus a standing 8 count after "bloody shaft." That was far better than I suspect the movie is.

    1. I wavered on that line, Dell. I'll be honest. But, f--k it, you know? If you can't talk about cut open dicks during a post about a family film, what kind of world do we live in?

      Not one I want to raise my kids in. Though, if that cut had wouldn't be an issue.

      And yes, this movie sucks.

    2. Okay, now I'm cringing. That's so not what I was thinking. I just thought you found out the hard way it was "that time of the month."

    3. Oh shit, Dell. I didn't even consider that. Damn...I wish that was the case. The reality was much worse. Much, much worse.

      By the way, this is the best/worst conversation I've ever had on this blog. Thank you, good sir.

  2. I actually didn't hate this. Never saw the first one, but I thought it was enjoyable enough. I laughed pretty hard at that German soccer team joke. But thinking about it now, it did have a lot of misfires.

    And I was a little annoyed with the message of the film. I didn't want Dennis to be a vampire, I wanted him to just be a human. Is that bad?

    1. Wow. Good for you for enjoying this, as I definitely had sand in my vagina for almost the entire runtime. I really, really enjoy the first one, and felt like this was a piss-poor cash grab. I wasn't expecting greatness...just a little effort.

      But I'm FULLY with you on the ending. Be yourself, kids. Assuming yourself is exactly what everyone REALLY wants you to be. Stupid.