Wednesday, September 30, 2015

I knew you were gonna be a good guy.

I f--ked up my senior internship every possible way I could.

Initially, I turned down ESPN. Brilliant f--king move, that. Then, at the one I actually accepted (at a rock station), I allowed some desperate chick in Promotions, to steer me away from Production. Again, totally f--king genius, assuming you get IQ points for being a f--king moron. 

But, when I actually got on the job? Even worse. I did just about the stupidest f--king thing someone working for free could ever do: I kept my head down and always did what was asked of me.

And that's it. 
It's not like I'm a total failure as a human being however, as last Saturday night I took my mom to the movies (um, for the first time ever...I should[n't] mention) to see Nancy Meyers' latest, The Intern. And while we both agreed that it's a very charming movie, it appears that, a week later, there's one thing we will NEVER agree on...but more on that later.

As the cutesy trailer and the somewhat awkward poster make painfully clear, this is that kind of movie. Old people will do things in that old-fashioned, by the book, but lovable way! and young people will be too busy tits-deep in Apple products and social media to realize they're missing out on the finer things in life. If only they could somehow meet in the middle!

Honestly, the entire setup is somewhat ridiculous and many of the smaller details infinitely are too perfect for their own good, but damned if this wasn't a crowd-pleaser. If you can hate something starring an angelic-tempered Robert De Niro and an impossibly sexy Anne Hathaway then you's a hardcore motherf--ker. Me, I'm a bit of a pussy, so I actually had a pretty good time. Oh, and so did Momma Two Dollar Cinema. (Which is good...because she'd never let me hear the end of it otherwise.)

What's weird is I would totally make out with either of them.
De Niro plays Ben, a 70-year-old widower, who after attending yet another funeral, has decided to apply for a Brooklyn-based 'senior internship' program. For a second I thought the wording of the flyer was part of a larger zany misunderstanding, but luckily for the old woman behind me (whom I was likely to punch first), the actual intention was to indeed, hire seniors. Phew. Anyway, this company, an upstart clothing e-tailer, is run by Jules (the aforementioned Hathaway, rowr), a thirty-something clearly in over her pretty, little head.

When, surprising no one, Bob gets the gig, he is thrust back into office life. Well, Movie Office Life, where people ride bicycles indoors, are generally attractive, where dress codes are non-existent, and where there's a house masseuse going around loosening necks and stiffening dicks. Turns out that ol' Ben is to answer directly to the increasingly aloof Jules, who by all accounts wants nothing to with him. Her main complaint? He's too observant. Yeah, what a dick. Besides...she has real business to tend to, mainly hiring someone to run her company. Someone who gets her, someone that pays attention to the little things...someone like...oh I don't know...Jake LaMotta?

You can see where this is headed, or can you? While I thought Meyers was gracefully walking me down a path that looks like an outdoor shot from a Pottery Barn catalog, little did I know she was really taking me out behind the woodshed to stab me in the brain. Seriously. Where I thought that the cinematic dick-punch that was Mama [review] had the most jarring ending ever, it turns out there might be some magical moths circling The Intern, too. I was absolutely floored by the final thirty-seconds of this film. Was the Meyers, calling the shots, Nancy or f--king Michael?

Also clearly aware that like winter, Halloween is coming (and subsequent 'spooky posts'), are the Yays and Boos. Don't let the high amount of the latter scare you off, as it turns out I have a lot of complaints, you know, because I live, and work, in a little thing known as reality.

Look! They switched sides!

  • Um, Robert De Niro. 
  • And, well, Anne Hathaway. Of course.
  • Formalities complete, put your hands together for blinking practice!
  • Rene Russo. Not only is she pretty hot here (uh, in her sixties), but she actually gives her tiny role a proper level of respectability, in a role that may not have required any.
  • Jules, as maddening (and pathetic?) as she can be, pulls some pretty awesome boss-moves. The call center thing was a bit much, but ordering her own shit as quality-control? This I liked.
  • Davis, the doofy but lovable intern. I liked this guy's face. No, really I did. Especially when he walks in on a hundred and twenty years of blowjob.
  • Okay, it was pretty stupid....and awesome...but there's an extended heist scene that killed our entire theater. I'm not going to lie, I was laughing my ass off.
  • And when Adam DeVine's character almost ruins everything because he spitting ill rhymes in the getaway car? I laughed even harder.
  • So...when I'm old? Totally going on a funeral date. That shit works!
  • And finally, though word on the street (coughIMDbcommentsectioncoughcough) was that the scene was 'weird', I adored the hotel bedroom scene. No, not for some lowbrow reason, dick, but Hathaway really delivered for me. Finally, Jules became a person, a genuinely sad person, properly dealing with the shitstorm that is her life. It was very sweet and possibly my favorite moment in the film.
Someone asked him how long it is...
I told him not to tell...
(the movie people, the movie)
  • Totally unrelated, but my dad always, always says extern. Is that even a thing? 
  • Yo. That old lady kissed Father Bobby on the mouth. Staying away from the light or not, that shit ain't right.
  • When I heard the line, "Dude, I'm on a bike," I almost left the theater.
  • Man, the soundtrack is unrelenting canned joy. It's like the music they play at the end of every drug commercial. Like, whatever the soundtrack is for a functioning weiner, that's what we get. ALWAYS.
  • So...there's an office junk desk. Not a drawer, which is stupid as f--k as it is, but an entire desk. Why? someone can clean it perfectly. I'll let you guess who.
  • Jules leaves work 19 hours after everyone else does. Except Ben her 70-year-old intern. Does she say goodnight to him/the only person in the building? No. No she does not.
  • Which reminds me, did you ever see The Devil Wears Prada? This is the same movie.
  • If the theater screen ejected a nickel every time we get to see De Niro's Ben carefully observing, that ShitTown, PA would be home to a fairly solid group of New Money.
  • You know how in some movies, there's a character that is routinely always doing the right thing? And everyone comes to rely on them being perfect? Well, generally, at the worst possible time (or maybe even on accident) they are bound to f--k up. Here? Not once. Ever. Ben is a flawless individual start to finish. Horrible, horrible finish.
  • Well, except for one thing: He doesn't kill the worst character in any movie ever.
  • Yes, as I've already mentioned - the ending. My mom was shockingly okay with it, but I was/am FURIOUS. Not only did it not turn out the way I expected (and felt was essentially guaranteed to us, the audience), but it's so insanely makes No Country For Old Men feel like Return of the King. No, no. Read it again...that makes sense. Right?
  • And finally, Jules' husband, Matt. First, this guy just looks like he's lived his entire life checking his e-mail at Starbucks. Second, he turns away some sexy-time from his lovely wife, Jules. Criminal. But third, everything else about him. Including his groan-inducing Big Speech at the End. F--k this guy. F--k him right in the ear.
You know why I ended up turning down my internship at ESPN? Because I was told they treat you like an actual employee. Like, they worked you all kinds of hours and stuff, you know, gave you lots of real-world responsibilities. Bastards! 

Imagine putting all that time into something you don't even get paid for? 

That would be ridiculous.


  1. Looking forward to watching this, it seems enjoyable enough. Great review!

    1. Thank you, thank you!

      I'd love to know what you think about it.

      (especially the ending)

  2. I was expecting so much more from Meyers because she has made some of my favorite rom-com's about people in their 60's. She has a knack for tapping into the minds of people who might not be the youngest of the crowd, but still kick ass and fall in love like nobodies business. I like that about Meyer.

    What I don't like about The Intern is that it was two movies stacked together and the ending was so freakin ridiculous that I wanted to walk out of the theater before the credits started to roll. I found there to be more flaws than moments of pure joy and this is why it was the worst Meyers film I've seen thus far.

    1. Wow! Worst Meyers yet? I'll have to look into that...but it's certainly possible.

      While I appreciate that she makes crowd-pleasers for the entire spectrum of movie-goer, I think the cute-factor can ultimately be her undoing. I mean...these movies are pretty much the daydreams of the upperclass, you know?

      The ending was maddening. Like, I couldn't believe it. At all.

      If there were two movies here, I liked the one with De Niro.

  3. OMG you're making the ending sound like what happens to Yorkies in A Fish Called Wanda except not funny :)

    And you never took your ma to cinema before? What the fuck, man?!

    This looks like a charming movie but given that this month I already saw Sicario and have to see Martian - word is Scott actually delivered something good, Legend - double Hardy my God - and Crimson Peak - Hiddles! - I have to save up somewhere and catch this on DVD

    1. I don't recall the end of A Fish Called Wanda...I gotta look that one up.

      Can you believe that? I've taken her with my son, with her and my sister (maybe even a brother, too), but just her? Nope. This was a first. I know...I'm the worst person on the planet. If you see me, throw a rock at my face.

      Yeah, I hear you. No rush to see this one theatrically. A computer and a stiff drink and you should be good to go.

  4. I'm disappointed your took your mom to this instead of The Green Inferno.

    I'm kidding, this makes way more sense. If this ever streams on Netflix, I'll probably check it out. It seems sweet enough. Nice write up!

    1. I know. I totally f--ked up!

      You gotta be in the mood for Meyers shtick, you know? Like, real quick, before you fire up Netflix...Google images 'kittens in a basket'. Then, 'cute kids eating ice cream'. If you are anything less than smiling ear-to-ear...DO NOT WATCH THIS MOVIE.


  5. I kept reading, but I zoned out for a bit after some insanity about turning down ESPN. Luckily, the words "stiffening dicks" snapped me back to reality, lol. Love the Raging Bull reference. I'll see this eventually, but I would've spent the night waiting in line if this cast were directed by Michael Meyers, or just John Carpenter. Yeah, that would work.

    1. You have every right to zone out. Hell, that's what I've been doing for almost 15 years after that decision. It's brutal.

      It's a shame Hollywood won't let Michael Myers direct anything.

      The Man. Always holding back the directorial efforts of dead characters from long extinct franchises. You know, that ol' story.


    Also...did I miss something? What won't you and your mom agree on. I swear, I read every word and still missed it!

    1. I know, right? What a dick. But...but...all that time I'm not taking my mom to the movies...I'm taking my wife. That's the right call, right? Right? *crickets*

      Ha, I never did get back to it. My theory about what the ending SHOULD HAVE BEEN my mom flatly rejected. Like, I thought it was the most obvious thing in the world and she was like, 'No. I didn't see that coming. That wouldn't have made any sense."

      I'm telling you. My theory = the only way possible that this movie should have ended. The. Only. WAY.

    2. When I see this...I'll have to email you my thoughts on the ending and we'll see who I agree with :-D

  7. I feel like this one is going to be excruciating. I'll let you do the suffering for both of us.

    1. Haha. It really wasn't THAT bad, but I cool to suffer for the both of us this time.

      That means you're up next, though.

  8. Haha, I thought this looked so bad. My mind was a bit blown when you mentioned it includes a heist scene... I also had to look up the ending after all this talk and yeah, what does that even mean?? that's more cryptic than the ending of Enemy!

    1. The heist scene was pretty funny especially considering this one has as much bite as your typical Hallmark movie, you know? While there isn't really an edge, this bit of silliness at least changed things up for a second.

      As for the's impossibly abrupt. They might as well have thrown up a title card saying 'missing reel' and then just rolled the credits. Unfathomable, really. If only Hathaway had turned into a giant spider, it would have made more sense. A giant sexy spider. Mmmmm....spiiiiiider.

      Sorry. I'm back.
      Um, carry on.

    2. Hahah, that would be incredible. All the moms (okay, everyone) in the theater would have their mind's blown.