Two weeks ago, I took my son Matthew to an opening-night movie with me. I was a little nervous about the whole thing, only because he's six, and what we were seeing certainly wasn't a kid's movie. It wasn't even animated. Sure, half the toy section at Target (and a quarter of the grocery store) had something related to the flick, but early word suggested keep the kiddos at home. But, wasn't this based on a comic book? And didn't we have waffles with the logo on it in the freezer?
Shocking no one who has a television, computer, smart phone, or a mostly-functional brain, Superman and Batman eventually team up to save the world. While the specific reason they become BFFs could surprise you (and should, as it's absurd), the fact that they join forces to slay a CGI beast should not. And even if it takes some time to get there, if you can't enjoy Supes and the Dark Knight kicking ass together on the big-screen, then I'm not sure what will ever make you happy. Maybe the sexy-ass Gal Gadot as Wonder Woman would do it, but who knows? You may be incapable of love altogether.
How serious could it be?
I mean, when I saw my first big-time comic book movie in 1989, Jack Nicholson danced around an art museum armed with pastels and a boombox.
Uh, Blogger Guy, hate to break it to you...but that was almost thirty years ago. You know, before the entire world had gone to Hell.
It was also before Christopher Nolan.
Please, don't think I'm blaming Nolan or anything, but clearly somewhere along the way, things simply got way too serious in a world where guys wear their underwear on top of their pants.
Luckily for me, sort of, I had a little kid with me when I saw Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice and that totally put me in the right mood. We were two dudes watching two other dudes fight a bigger, greener dude. And at the end of the day, there's nothing wrong with that.
Sure, even though I thought half the movie will be the main topic of therapy sessions when he's older, a brief conversation we had on the car ride home confirmed the soft spot this flick will forever have within me. Even if the rest of the world f--king hated it.
While two weeks ago feels more like two months ago, here's the old news in a nutshell: After driving the half-mile to Metropolis, Bruce Wayne gets knee deep in the destruction Superman is inadvertently raining down on the city. Yeah, Supes is saving the day, but from where the hulking Master Wayne sits, this shit is all kinds of ridiculous. Apparently one city's hero, is another's nuisance, and Wayne thinks this different caped crusader needs to be put in check.
Sounds reasonable, I suppose. And a lot like what I imagine Civil War to be about, but whatever.
Anyway, our two titans don't exactly like each other, and for a minute, they actually fight. But, just as you'd imagine, this is a pretty unfair match. Batman and his wonderful toys aren't really doing much damage to a guy who can hold up a half-ton weight with one strand of perfectly gelled hair. I don't care how many push-ups Bruce does, you can't f--k with Superman in a fist fight. Your best bet is to probably just hurt his feelings (c'mon, Superman is like the least cool guy, ever, especially compared to Bruce 'Lady-Killer' Wayne).
|This is how I held my son after the first jump scare. (the second one? He held me)|
Me, I'm not. In fact, I totally loved Ben Affleck as Batman, and even if he emotes slightly less than your average telephone pole, I can't get enough of Henry Cavill, either. While there's little joy to be had for either character in the movie, I had a blast watching them onscreen together. Throw in a solid supporting cast and the promise of things to come, and I'm one of the few people calling BvS a win, even if by a narrow margin.
|They just heard about the Rotten Tomatoes score.|
To be honest with you, had I written this two weeks ago, I probably would have been adoring it a lot more. It was the Thursday before Easter break and I was absolutely loving life. But I'm old, and those fourteen days (with the majority being back at school) have kicked my ass up, down and sideways. Besides, after teaching middle school all day, I'm usually all out of hate by the time I head to the movies. Usually.
Speaking of usual, here are the Yays and Boos. Not only is my memory a little wonky on this movie to begin with, but my pen broke immediately after I sat down in the theater. Usually my notes are indecipherable anyway, so imagine when I'm writing with a f--king pointed tube of ink.
|I'm not sure how those lights would help, but whatever.|
They look cool as Hell.
- Sure, it probably scarred my son for life, but the whole truncated Batman life-story was pretty awesome.
- Whoever that asshole was that was threatening Lois Lane in the desert, oh man did he get it. Ha ha.
- So...the tub scene. Was nice.
- Dude. Batman is kinda hardcore, no? I don't remember George Clooney branding anyone. Though, his Batsuit's nipples are seared into my brain...
- Even if he looked exactly like Robert Downey, Jr., I still love me some Jeremy Irons. Even if I couldn't give you a good anagram using his name (Jeremy's Iron?), I totally adored him here.
- I really liked Lex's shoes. Yep.
- And that Tao Okamoto, too. Rowr.
- I wrote this down and I don't know what it means, but it sounds like a Yay: feeding a guy a Jolly Rancher. Oh shit, I hope this isn't something I did...
- Even though the 1989 version is still the gold standard, I totally loved the Batmobile here, too.
- Supes kicks some ass, and it's fairly fantastic, but when Affleck's Batman drops the hammer? It's so much better. I'm pretty sure he heel stomped a guy's head into the floor, right?
- Oh. My. God. Aquaman! I don't know why I love hating this guy, but I do. Imagine knocking on Dave Navarro's underwater mansion in the middle of the night, and you have a fair sense of the awesomely terrible appearance That Fish Guy makes. Maybe the funniest scene in the film.
- Even though I think it makes no sense, I really, really loved the final five minutes of this movie. Yeah, the rocks were cool, but Bruce's little exchange with Wonder Woman was truly badass, at least as these things go. Just a feeling...
- And finally, let me put my hands together again for Wonder Woman. While a huge part of me (aw, gross) was thinking that there was no way this character could ever be taken seriously, I'm totally psyched (though not surprised) at how wrong that line of thinking turned out to be. Bring on the stand-alone Wonder Woman flick, asap. And hey, let's make it rated R while we're at it. Hard R.
|Yeah, I'm Superman.|
Now who wants to f--king touch me?
- Hey, Snyder, can we show Batman's mother getting shot in the face again, please? I'm don't think my kid is fully catatonic.
- Who the Hell cares that some warlord a-hole was killed by Superman? In fact, who cares who Superman kills, ever? He's f--king Superman!
- Jeez Cavill, put a damn shirt on. I don't want to have to question my own sexuality...in front of my son.
- Wheelchair Joe, you f--ker. First, I don't really give a damn about your whole plight. Yeah, sorry, but Supes can't make an omelette without breaking a few legs, okay? But more importantly, you scared the shit out of me in that courtroom, man. Not cool.
- DEVICE CLONING SUCCESSFUL. Oh, Totally Obvious OnScreen Readouts. I hate you so much.
- Breaking News: Superman saves that girl...from the News. Uh, Again.
- What the Hell were those Winged Creature things? I didn't sign up for those horrible monsters.
- Speaking of, what was that weird Squid thing?
- Maybe I need to see Man of Steel, but uh, Lex kind of just walked into that giant alien spaceship thinger and...well, made it totally work. Um, am I missing something? (shh...don't answer that)
- Hey, it's Kevin Costn--- Nope. It's just Superman, high as a f--king kite.
- Nancy Grace is in this? F--k that lady. It must have killed her to take a break from exploiting the victims of violent crimes to film her bit, huh?
- Great fight, Superman and Batman....uh, but you don't really have time for this shit, you know?
- Martha Martha MARTHA.
- Good thing that spear was so easy to find. Phew. Close one.
- Uh, Lex...I know you're mad, but uh, you kinda got something on your face.
- And finally, can we just all lighten the f--k up? Yes, Deadpool [review] may have lightened up too much, but man, all these comic book movies are way too dark and political. Actually, let's make them more political, you know? Cause that shit's hilarious!
When we got to the car, I felt like I needed to check on Matty, even though I could tell he was pretty psyched having just seen a big movie. He said he liked it, like he always does, but with not much enthusiasm. So, I needed a little point of reference.
Me: Did you like the movie?
Me: What would you give it, between one and ten?
Matty: Uh, probably like an 8 or a 9.
Me: Wow. (knowing TFA was his favorite movie ever) Really? What would you give The Force Awakens. Matty: Uh, probably like an 8 or a 9.
Easy to please after a long day at school?