Wednesday, April 6, 2016

This is not crazy. It's all very logical.

Somehow, in high school, I missed it. I'm pretty sure it was an elective, but I've never been really good with decision making. Or money. Or both..

But when I finally took economics in college, I f--king loved it. Learning about money and all the factors that influence and impact the financial world was completely enthralling. Fine, maybe it was the fact that it was the only class I had with my roommate (a Vietnamese dude named Phong, or 'Charlie', if you were his good friend/total dick). Hell, maybe it was solely because my professor, the caveman version of George Clooney, never ever actually laughed. Instead, he just said HA! the way you or I might say Boo!

Or, and there's a distinct possibility about this one, just maybe, it was the second row of the classroom (on the left, from the door) that had me hooked, as it was entirely comprised of four consecutive smoking hot juniors (commonly referred to as the A Team). Oh, if only I could have supplied their demands.

Whatever it was, all I could think every Tuesday and Thursday was, why doesn't everybody study economics? Why isn't it mandated that we learn about finances and the world of money?

I there something they don't want us to know about?

Turns out, there is. Tons of shit, actually. But thanks to the kickass cleverness of director Adam McKay and his band of Merry Men, a film like The Big Short crams years of mind-numbing economics and makes it not only digestible, but impossibly entertaining. This is a three credit class that stays packed all semester (versus those classes where fifty random f--kers would show up out of nowhere during Finals week). And it's an easy long as your paying attention.

Which apparently, no one was doing.

Set primarily in the shitstorm known as the, uh, oughts (the ones? the oh-somethings? f--k), The Big Short is all about those faceless d-bags on Wall Street and their rampant quest to choke the last dollar out of the real-estate market. See, these greedy f--kers had realized that you can only sell so many houses, and basically began handing anyone with a pulse a perfect credit score, affording droves of people to super-size it, and buy their f--king dream home. Five bedrooms and an infinity pool? No problem. A fenced-in acre in Miami? Sure, sign here. You want one made out of f--king Legos? Done.

But old Cloud Cuckoo Land was propped up by two things: jack and shit, and eventually those homeowners were destined to lose everything. Okay, sucks for them, but....uh, could anyone actually make money from people NOT paying their mortgage?

Good question.

Well, somebody saw this coming, and this guy - and a few like-minded individuals, invested millions in an idea that on paper made no f--king sense. Basically, they bought insurance on all these shitty mortgages. Times are good? It's gonna cost them millions to pay all those premiums, so the banks were like, F--k yeah, you can insure all of them. But when it all goes tits up? The returns were gonna be hyuuuuuuuge.

Look, my explanation of the core of the film is like asking your grandmother to explain the internet. She might have an idea, sure, but it ain't exactly her wheelhouse. Lucky for all of us, McKay (and motherf--king Ryan Gosling) routinely puts 'em on the glass of the fourth wall and breaks everything down into tasty little nuggets of information. And shit, even when I was confused everything is so f--king cool and hilarious it didn't even matter. Honestly, I've never had such a good time realizing exactly how much of a f--king terrible place the world is.

Speaking of terrible, here are the Yays and Boos. We're getting overwhelmed around here, so this one's coming to you two weeks late. A lot of my notes were various stick figure versions of myself and Ryan Gosling holding hands on the beach. Okay, that's not true, but now I know what I'm drawing doing later.

This almost looks like something out of The Machinist.

  • That opening Mark Twain quote was f--king brilliant. (Yeah, I know, really went out on a limb there, didn't I?)
  • Pretty soon, every time I see Ryan Gosling, I'm gonna hear Dream Weaver and see little sparkles every where. Seriously. He kicks so much ass in this movie, I get less sad just thinking about it.
  • Though not in the ballpark of as cool, Christian Bale's Michael Burry is the right kind of quietly insane. If you can watch this movie and not worship the shadow cast by this guy's gigantic balls, you are a much better person than I am. And a f--king liar, too.
  • I'll have a Margot Robbie with a side of Marissa Tomei, please. Thanks.
  • Absolutely we can make it 100 million! Haha...these f--king assholes.
  • Whoa, Mark's (Carell, kicking ass...again) team? These dudes are hardcore. I loved every minute spent with these three.
  • Jenga. Not only is it one of the best games of all-time, but it's also one of the best ways to explain all the different mortgage ratings, and the effect they have on one another.
  • "That's very racist." (and I do speak English)
  • Brad Pitt kind of isn't in this movie, but when he is, he's fantastic. When he growls So don't f--king dance, I wanted to cry. And/or punch something in the face. F--k I loved that scene.
  • Such a gooooood soundtrack, right?
  • Truth is like poetry. And most people f--king hate poetry. I'm calling the tattoo parlor in the morning.
  • When Burry e-mails everyone that they can't withdraw their money, I about lost it when his inbox blew the f--k up. In. Sane.
  • And finally, is there a better scene than Gosling sending everybody out of the bathroom? No. No there isn't. 
A deleted scene from the upcoming Robert Redford bio pic.
  • Dogshit wrapped in catshit. Fitting analogy? Yes? Awful visual? Also yes.
  • Man, I've had some bad interviews in my day (no, really...), but only making it to the lobby at 4:50 on a weekday? Ouch. That's almost worse than getting the rejection letter e-mailed to you. On the way home from the interview.
  • Do applicants ever get rejected? [boisterous laugh]
  • Even though the two real-estate agents were classic Bro-magnons, you kinda have to hate them anyway. They're not confessing. They're bragging.
  • So, there was a point if the banks weren't given a good rating, they'd simply go somewhere else, What the f--k is this? I'm going to assume this doesn't happen anymore...uh, right? Don't answer that.
  • That turncoat chick at the pool. She used to work for the bank regulators, but was totally down for switching teams. It didn't even seem to dawn on her that this was a conflict of interest, huh?
  • Loved/hated all the cuts of 'life' happening during all this madness. Ah, the beautiful distraction that is dumb ass television.
  • A forty-seven million dollar bonus check? This actually makes me won't to vomit.
  •, lots of people went to jail, right? [crickets]
  • At the end, well, let's just say that's the least happy billion dollars earned ever. Yikes.
  • And finally, during that little where are they now? segment popped up, I absolutely knew, like 489% certain, that it was going to say what it said. If Burry really is the genius he was shown to be, well, we're all f--ked. Can't wait to shower like Tank Girl...

Even though there's something altogether awful about it, I don't really mind that there's people out there that bring home millions and millions of dollars. Athletes, authors, entertainers, whatever....if you can offer something that people are willing to pay for? F--k it. Make that (obscene) money. It's not your fault you're talented. But to those who made their fortunes screwing others over, I've only got one thing to say to you dirty bastards:


Seriously, it's no laughing matter.


  1. I really liked this movie, seeing this and 99 Homes last year was really interesting considering they talked about the same thing from different perspectives.

    I also didn't take economics until I was in college. I swear those classes (because I took micro and macro) were directly responsible for me switching majors my freshman year. I had the worst teacher ever, it was impossible to take notes in his class because he had no pattern when writing on his dry erase board AND he was an asshole.

    And I still couldn't explain to anyone what economics is. Fuck that class. lol

    1. Yeah, I bet seeing it with 99 Homes would be extremely interesting. Being on that end, less fun.

      Yes, I only took two, and both were a really good time. But I totally hear good/bad professor can make all the difference in the world. I had a Psych professor who I swear was an ogre/witch hybrid. Ugh, I hated that gigantic bitch. F--k that class!

  2. Brilliant movie. I didn't give it many awards on my annual list but damn, I loved it. I rewatched it the most out of last year's films - it's like Wolf of Wall Street lite but it's so entertaining and freaking hilarious. Gosling just slayed me - the guy is very good in dramas but between this and Crazy Stupid Love he really showed his massive comedy talent - even the little things like that 'I'm so cool' gesture when he says he would never be in a place like that because he has 'fashion friends'. And that bathroom scene absolutely killed me

    1. Gosling is the BEST in this movie. Probably a performance I could watch endlessly, it's so entertaining. The bathroom scene was legendary.

      I'd actually like to watch Wolf of Wall Street again, too, being that I was furiously writing EVERYTHING down.


  3. I am really looking forward to this movie. It's going to be part of our homeschooling curriculum for sure.

    1. Excellent pick if you do it, Steph. Such a compelling and hilarious film...about how terrible our country is.