Monday, September 12, 2016

Horrible feedback from everybody.

Yes, I love her. A lot. But work with her? Professionally? No f--king way.

Oh, it's happened once, no twice before, but we were young. When you're a kid, everything your girlfriend says and does makes them even more amazing, you know? But when it's your wife? That same shit can be...well, maddening.

We waited tables together in Hawai'i (awww) in our early twenties, and later on worked at the same insurance company in Connecticut (uhh...awww? ewww?). Now the only job we share is raising two little kids, and let's just say the pay totally sucks. 

Why my aversion to working with the person I live with (and the person I occasionally sleep...next to)?

All that time together would likely lead to mixed results. I mean, even in a best case scenario, you can't exactly bring it, when you've already got it.


It's okay, I'll watch them for you.
It's probably been three weeks since my wife and I rented and watched 2016's redemption comedy The Boss, and the reigniting of my professional fire has left my willingness to blog charred to a crisp. But with The Boss, I'm back...and better than ever*.

[*same shit, probably worse]

After the steaming shit show that Tammy [review] turned out to be, I was actually surprised that Melissa McCarthy would so quickly star in another film helmed by her husband Ben Falcone. The good news, is that they've apparently learned a thing or two from their past transgressions on movie-going audiences. The bad news? They've still got a long way to go. 

And the badder news? They're trying again. But more on that in 2018.

After ruling the financial world for years, Michelle Darnell (McCarthy) abruptly finds herself locked up for insider trading and loses her entire empire. Upon being released from prison, Darnell turns to the only person in the world who can stand her, her long-suffering, oft shat-upon, ex-assistant Claire Rawlings (Kristin Bell). Claire, a devoted single mom, isn't exactly thrilled to see her old boss, but at the urging of her pre-teen daughter, takes her anyway. If only you knew how this would end...maybe you wouldn't have to actually watch it.

About that...



Shocking no one, Darnell is an awful person. But she has a reason to be, you guys, she's an unwanted child! F--king hilarious, right? See, due to the fact that Darnell never had a family, she is incapable of relating to human beings. And if they actually take her in and, oh, I don't know, develop genuine care for her, she flips out and ruins everything. Maybe this sounds tolerable on a shitty blog paper, but in reality, it's insulting, if not entirely f--king moronic.


Luckily, McCarthy and Bell have just enough chemistry to elevate what should be about as much fun as working late on a Friday to something resembling a very long fire evacuation. Oh, it's painful at times but deep down, you know it could me worse. Much worse. In fact, I actually watched this movie twice (once alone after my wife fell asleep, then again...together) and can say with something resembling confidence...it actually got a little better the second time. I know, right?

Speaking of things you should never ever confirm, here are the Yays and Boos. We've got two more reviews to work on, so let's bundle these lame jokes and cut our losses asap.

This is pretty much exactly how it goes...
 ...if I ever have to help my wife adjust her straps. Giddyup.
Yaaaaaaaaaaaay!
  • Peter Dinklage shows up in a role that Oprah Winfrey was considered for. I didn't even dig his character or performance in the least...but this shit is too weird not to be a Yay.
  • My man Tito, when he finds out Darnell is heading to jail, happily heads back to his former gig...at Best Buy (Oh, f--k you, I used to work there, okay, asshole?).
  • Cecily Strong's character is the f--king worst. Seriously. Painfully unfunny. But...it's Cecily Strong. I dig this chick. A lot.
  • That Pam in Hell speech was pretty funny. I think. (I don't remember it at all...but I drew two hearts next to it...so it must have been pretty sweet [again, f--k off])
  • Jonah from Veep? Yeah, he's in this one. Playing...well, Jonah. From Veep.
  • My wife insists that this movie is just like Troop Beverly Hills. This is a Yay because I'm assuming she's the only person on the planet that actually has said that sentence out loud...sincerely.
  • The whole Girl Scout fight scene is the right kind of ridiculous. But to really seal it? A young girl is hammer-thrown into a parked car! (just to make sure everybody knows what time it is)
  • Just answer the question, Claire. Nice work, everyone.
  • Dude...I love Tyler Labine. Like...a lot. I'm not sure what I want to cuddle up with more, his majestic beard...or his shattered-larynx voice! It's really a coin-toss. (c'mon, voice!)
  • Okay, I really did laugh out loud at the line about heading to Walgreens to buy some wine....
  • ...but that one that totally killed me? You dress like you grocery shop at CVS. Holy f--k, that's brilliant.
  • And finally, any movie that includes even a second of this song can't be all bad. Anybody want to go to a middle school dance in 1985 with me? Oh...you're busy. Well...I didn't really want to go anyway. *tearfully throws away tuxedo shirt*
This chick on the left?
No.
Boooooooo!
  • Holy shit that teeth-whitening scene is quite honestly the stuff of nightmares. 
  • Oprah was considered for this movie. But Gayle King? Actually appears in it. Ugh.
  • I'm not sure I want to know what a vagina rejuvenation consists of. Well, fine. I don't want to know right this moment.
  • The whole boob jostling thing goes on for a bit too long, no?
  • That initial ew, they actually like me scene made me hate everything.
  • Okay, it totally cracked me up, but what the f--k is a dirty badger nest? Is that a euphemism for something that I don't want to know about...right now?
  • I hate forced kid-swearing. I don't know who the f--k thinks making little kids swear is comedic gold, but for me, it's on par with talking dogs or cats dressed like people. F--k all of that unnecessary f--king profanity.
  • And finally, the entire conflict in this movie, well, outside of the orphan-related nonsense, is all based on the worst thing in cinematic history. Yep, you guessed it: the overwhelming freak out because a character just so happened to see something that looked like something else at the worst possible time. I'm sure that last sentence didn't make any sense, but trust me, you'll know it when you (don't) see it. 
My wife just went to bed before me and she has to get up after me, so I think it's time I go ahead and call this one. What's that? You think I should type a little bit more, maybe finally make a coherent point or two? Who the Hell do you think you are? I'm the one in charge around h----

Oh shit, did you hear that?

Sorry, I thought I heard my wife stirring.


*whispering* What were we talking about again?

13 comments:

  1. LMAO!!!

    Peter Dinklage as Oprah Winfrey would make the greatest biopic of all times!!!!

    I'm very rapidly becoming a Melisa McCarthy anti-fan.

    But I'm always a fan of these Two Dollar reviews ;-)

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    1. Thanks, man. Always a good time for the Fisticuffs. Which is what I call you. Starting and ending now.

      Wait, I don't think Dinklage was supposed to play Oprah...but I like where your heads at.

      Naw, man. McCarthy is funny as shit. Just not in this movie. Or Tammy. Or Ghostbusters. But...in others? (Spy and The Heat!)

      Hahaha...yeah, well clearly your judgement is impaired!

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    2. LOL, I know he wasn't supposed to play Oprah...but now you want it to happen, don't you ;-)

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    3. Well...................yeah. I do.


      A lot.

      Delete
  2. I liked it way more than Ghostbusters since I actually laughed during this when she called the girl scouts 'motherf--clers" and Dinklage was snorting cocaine

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    1. This is faint praise at best (uh, you hated Ghostbusters, right?). I'm not sure I can say I liked it more, simply because of the Hemsworth scenes. Their reactions to him still crack me up a little.

      But...off-the-rails Dinklage and saying inappropriate things to children? Well...those are two of my favorite things. Hmm.

      Tough call.

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  3. It wasn't great or anything, but I liked it far more than I thought I would. It gave a number of solid chuckles, and was far better than Tammy, so I'm okay with it. And the girl scout fight scene was the perfect kind of ridiculous.

    No yay or boo for those insane looking turtlenecks MM was wearing throughout? Something must be said about them. You can't see someone wearing that and not react.

    Wait...wait...wait. Oprah was supposed to play the Dinklage role? I might have killed to see that. Oh, wait again...would they have still been, ya know, a thing? On second thought the whole planet might have imploded if that happened. No one needs that. Sadly, I still would've killed to see it. Don't judge.

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    1. That's fair, Dell. As I said...I think...I actually came around on it a little bit on the second viewing, so it's not a resounding turd (like Tammy). Still...it should have been better. MM is too talented.

      Those damn turtlenecks were too much. I was going to mention Darnell's high-and-tight hoo-hahs, but thought better of it. Those suckers warrant a reaction, I'm sure of it.

      Allegedly, they wanted Oprah in the Dinklage role...but I'm assuming it would have been majorly re-written. Not sure how Steadman would have felt about ALL THAT. KnowwhatI'msaying?

      I've halfway imagined what you're throwing out there and I'm having chest pains. I don't care what Pappa Klump says...I can't think of her in that way. Ever. No.

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  4. Dinklage sounds like the only thing I would laugh at in this film. I skipped it. lol

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    1. He has a moment or two with Jonah that made me smile, but it's almost too weird to be funny. I like weird stuff...but this goes beyond random to just kind of painfully awkward (which should be funny...but isn't).

      Good call.

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    2. He has more to do here than in recent Thrones episodes :)

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  5. Why does McCarthy keep making such crappy movies? She's better than this.

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    1. She is better than this. Now, this one isn't totally painful...but it should have been better. Her collabs with her husband basically amount to all her lower-tier stuff...odd as that may be.

      Delete