Wednesday, September 21, 2016

You tell me what God would allow this?

There was a very short time in my life (basically a weekend...or two) where my friends and I would wait until it got dark and watch people in their homes. The rumor was that this one woman in this one house walked around naked, and as seventh graders, the idea of exposed breasts was seemingly worth committing a misdemeanor.

As it was laid out by my older, moderately sketchy friend, it seemed like the perfect plan. We would wait until it got dark, take our ready positions, and boom: boobs. It would take all of like, five minutes. Sure, as the super nerd of the group, I was totally scared about getting caught, but everyone else in our crew basically told me to shut the f--k up. We'd get what we desperately needed, and she'd never even see us. 

What could possibly go wrong?

Don't Breathe is f--king crazy. Like, an absolutely hold-your-junk, try not to piss your jorts, f--k all of this shit level of crazy...and I loved every second of it. And possibly even more f--king insane? My wife liked it, too. A lot.

And she (supposedly) hates scary movies. A lot. 

Three young kids of varying levels of sketchiness seem to have being f--k ups down to a science. Alex, basically the brains of the operation, sets up low-risk/high-reward burglaries for he and his two partners, Rocky and Money. It's a pretty sweet setup, as Alex is able to get his crew in and out using insider information from his father's security company. Dick move, sure, but he's a kid. Those skinny jeans aren't going to by themselves.

Rocky, the poster girl to the left, is your typical moderately hot home invader. She's probably smart enough to do something better with her life, but is basically looking for the fastest way to get the f--k out of Dodge, er, Detroit, as her homelife is a real shit show. Oh, and surprising no one, Alex totally has a boner for her, and he reluctantly keeps up the burgle business to get her more money. Lower case money, that is, as the dude named Money is a real f--ker, and consistently ruins...well, just about everything. And I'm pretty sure he's banging Rocky (I guess he has a thing for young Jodie Foster, huh?), but it's been three weeks so I might be a little fuzzy on that one.

While bizzare love triangle's are a dime a dozen in movies featuring anyone in their twenties, that's going to be the last call for shit you'd expect. When our trio decides to take on one last score, that of robbing a blind guy in a bad part of town, director Fede Alvarez (the guy who helmed the Evil Dead remake [review] decides to eviscerate any semblance of a nice time at the movies and instead savagely assaults his audience in the best way possible.

I was physically uncomfortable, emotionally unstable and absolutely f--king on edge for almost every single one of the eighty-eight minutes I sat there, cowering in the theater #2. Certain things I saw that day rattled me so much, I think I almost ended up frozen in place, making a face like that girl they found in the closet in at the beginning of The Ring. Sexy, right?

But so is Don't Breathe, as something so consistently ugly inside has never looked so simultaneously f--king beautiful on the outside. It's a helluve ride, and clearly I'm recommending you take a look. Hell, you can bring my wife with you if you want, as I'm pretty sure she only saw half of it. She tends to look away when horrible shit goes down.

So, yeah, she's pretty much never made eye-contact with the Yays or the Boos. And in honor of that, I've decided to combine forces today, as it's pretty much impossible to discern between the two when it comes to the events of this home-invasion nightmare. The stuff I didn't like?

That's the stuff I loved.

Good call. Seriously.
Blind people totally can't see people who are crawling.

  • What a f--king great opening shot, right? I almost forgot about that one when it was time.
  • You know what, pissing on the floor during a break in? Not f--king cool, Money. Who knows, that rug may have really tied the room together.
  • I thought it was her sister, my wife thought it was Rocky's daughter, but whoever the f--k it was? That chick was terrible at conveying human emotion.
  • That f--king first jump scare almost made me kibble my bits all over the goddamn place. What the f--k, dog?
  • The camera work is f--king awesome, as we get all kinds of visual clues at to what's where early on. It kinda reminded me of old-school Wheel of Fortune. I'll take the tackhammer for three hundred, Pat. And the rusty shovel for a thousand.
  • Look, everyone is going to get f--ked one way or another (ugh), but the first person who gets it? Holy's that kind of party.
  • You know that moment when a character is in the worst f--king spot ever, like totally f--king trapped, and they finally get out and run the f--k away and never look back? That's a good feeling, right? Right? Yeah, well...f--k that feeling, 'cause it ain't happening here.
  • You might want to call Skynet, because I'm pretty sure Alex is the f--king Terminator.
  • Oh, and speaking of unstoppable killing machines, what the f--k was with that dog? That thing can work a shaft like John McClane. Or a greased up Scotsman.
  • Two words: the basement. Two more words: Aww, how romantic! Is that three?
  • That thing filled with that stuff? Guh-ross. I almost gagged with where it ended up...but I kept those feelings to myself. I was going to whisper something to my wife...but yeah, let's go ahead and table that one till later. Like, a little past never.
  • Laying on broken glass, though not an Annie Lennox song, is still f--king awesome to see in a movie. What we get here may actually rival the all time champion of impending glass-related doom, that scene in The Lost World.
  • So, at some point, someone gets their pants cut open. Later on? That person is seen in various compromising positions. But those pants? Like my butthole during half this movie, totally sealed shut somehow. Hmm.
  • Uh...someone in the theater brought a fairly young kid to this? I hope someone broke into their house when they got home and stole all their...children.
  • And finally, I'm not to sure if I loved him or f--king adored him, but the Blind Man is one of the best villains ever, even if he isn't exactly the worst guy ever. Oh, fine, he's pretty f--king bad, sure, but they're the ones that went to his house. He was probably just going to have a nice time at home with

And at the top of my list of people not to be f--ked with...
So, my foray into exterior home invasions didn't exactly go as planned. We never saw that lady, naked or otherwise, but we did happen to see someone watching TV for a couple of minutes. That was mind-blowing. We also leered over a family getting ready to eat dinner, but that didn't amount to much, either. If only they had been eating a bucket of KFC, I could have crossed see a shiny breast off my then bucket list, even if it wasn't exactly the tasty hunk of meat I was hoping for.

But that's the thing about being a f--king creep and showing up uninvited at some random person's house. You never know who's going to be inside. Or what they might be up to.

And you sure as shit might not want to see whatever they're doing anyway.

Well, assuming you can see in the first place.


  1. "That thing can work a shaft like John McClane. Or a greased up Scotsman."

    Hahahaha, love the Simpsons reference. Your reviews never fail to make me chuckle mate, love your work :)

    1. Thanks, Rhys.

      This movie was impossibly entertaining and far better than it should have been. I'm sure Groundskeeper Willie would agree.

  2. This movie was great, but yeah I don't want to see a turkey baster ever again. I'm scarred for life. I feel like I went through a few stages of "That's fucked up."

    "...That's fucked up."
    " THAT's fucked up."

    1. Man...I still can't unsee that. It's seared into my retinas...forever.

      I think your stages sound just about right. But for me? I was probably locked in on that middle one. My wife? Definitely the bottom. Though it's hard to form words when you're bracing yourself like a car just crossed the center line. (she's such a's tremendous)

  3. You get all the points for that Big Lebowski reference! I hate scary movies, but I'm going to see this. I'm going t osee this because your wife hates scary movies and liked this. If I get nightmares and cry everywhere, I'm blaming you!
    - Allie

    1. Give me those points! I'll take 'em. (I've been giving out millions of imaginary points in school to my students...they just look at me like what is wrong with this guy?

      YOU HAVE TO SEE IT. Wait. Maybe you did already....Hold on. I'm checking now!

  4. I am always surprised when I read your wife was awake during any movie but her actually enjoying this one while being awake is both parts shocking, disturbing and seriously awesome

    1. Yes. All of the above (shocking, disturbing...and seriously awesome). My plan is that she can't fall asleep when she's terrified, right? So maybe on those nights we ditch our kids, I'll kill the lights and put on a clown mask. Should end well...

      (our marriage, that is)

  5. Great post dude. You echo my sentiments perfectly! One of the best of the year, no doubt.

    BTW, do you know how I follow your blog so I get an email when you post something new? I tried but it didn't seem to work

    Keep up the good work. Fucking hilarious mate :)

    1. Thanks, man. I'm in complete agreement. I still can't wrap my mind around how f--king awesome this movie is, er, was.

      Uh, as for this other business, of you, a human person, actually liking this blog? Well, that is also something I can't wrap my mind around. I know you can follow it...but I don't know what the Hell that means.

      I could always just e-mail you myself. But I'll probably send an inadvertent dick-pic, so it's best we avoid that route.

    2. HAHA!! I'll just make a bookmark then ;P

      And yeah man, I'm glad I found your site via sati, your posts are funny as fuck!