That would be absurd. Think about it.

I think the obvious answer is a monkey, as it's basically a lateral move. And you can pretty much play with yourself at all times and it's totally acceptable. Even high school boys have to occasionally stop touching it.

But if coerced by a stern British woman into something a little more...exotic? I'm all in on dolphin. Mainly because of that rad thing they do where they wiggle across a pool with 90% of their body out of the water, but also because of the fantastic noises they make. Oh, and these dudes love the ladies. Sometimes...more that one.

At a time.

Sure, imagining myself as a dolphin simultaneously f--king two other super-sexy lady dolphins seems kind of weird and random, right? Of course it does. But that imagined scenario can't hold a candle to the consistently bewildering reality of director Yorgos Lanthimos' latest feature, The Lobster.

Sometime in the near future, perhaps in a parallel universe, society has broken down into two distinct groups: those who are in a committed relationship and those who are not.  Couples live in a very typical city, while single people reside in the woods like wild animals...uh, mainly because they are wild animals. Literally.

David's wife has left him for another man. And when we meet this odd fellow, he's checking in to a mysterious hotel completely forlorn and defeated. While maybe clean sheets and a hot maid who is totally willing to twerk all over your boner sounds like a nice combo for any (newly) single (or happily married, ahem) guy, this place is different. Way different. This facility, er, hotel, comes with a catch: you have forty five days to find mate for life (with one of the other prisoners guests naturally)...or you'll be turned into the animal of your choice.

Wait, what?


When the internet and Twitter got a giant collective boner for all things The Lobster, I avoided any and all information about it the best I could. Then one fateful evening, I inadvertently stumbled into a trailer for it in front of something I had rented and thought to myself, really? This idea is making people lose their shit? But despite my skepticism, I ended up totally excited. This film was going to be great. Everyone says so. Honestly? I would have bet my f--king life on it.

Uh, about that...

One of the women pictured above is an absolute angel.
The other is quite possibly the worst person in the history of time.

Look, I'm all for some weird shit. Like, very much so. I get borderline giddy just thinking that not only did a human person come up with this idea, but also the fact that they got the chance to make a f--king movie out of it. With great actors and everything. That's f--king great. Truly.

But, while I'd like to think I'm open-minded, I also consider myself pretty f--king honest, too. And between you and me? By the end, I didn't give a single f--k about this movie. Yes, I dug the shit out of the first half to two-thirds of The Lobster, but eventually it simply wore me down with how weird it was and left me, at best, indifferent (and that was before the ending, which quite honestly, made me contemplate running to the bathroom and possibly gouging my f---king eyes out).

Speaking of things that may drive one to self-injury, here are the Yays and Boos for The Lobster. We actually watched this one two weeks ago, but ever since school started...well, sitting at the laptop ain't exactly something we've been itching to do, you know? Thank God for four-day weekends.

Brushing your teeth with one hand? Easy.
Taking your pants off? Well...

Yaaaaaaaaaaaaay!

• That uh, initial incident basically lets you know it's this kind of party rather quickly, which I, also a giant ass, fully appreciated.
• Man, it doesn't get much better that a chubby, mustachioed Colin Farrell.
• Oh, you think single life is fun, do you? How about living with a single hand, you selfish prick.
• John C. Reily is in this? And he has a lisp? Yeth! That guy ith really awethome.
• That is probably the best/worst answer to how'd you get that limp ever? Poor John.
• There are so many little details in this movie that are beyond perfect. I particularly loved the fact that while everyone is going through the courting process, they all are wearing the same clothes. Genius!
• Dude, Heartless Lady is amazing. Well, she was. Back when she was only interested in ruthlessly murdering people.
• If I was in a band (or musically talented in anyway) I would immediately order lab coats for everyone.
• Butterbiscuit Lady is a real freak. Is this something that happens to older women? Sign me up....immediately.
• You couples can't solve your problems? Well, guess what? You will be assigned children. (is this a joke...or a threat? Either way, I love it.)
• David's brother is adorable. Well, was.
• I too think that Stand by Me is a lovely film. Maybe not my last request...but still.
• That scene...you know, the one where she continues to drink her tea? That scene almost killed me.
• Rachel Weisz. I don't know why someone as beautiful and talented as Weisz isn't in, well, every single thing put on the big (or small) screen, but I absolutely adored her here. I was really glad David could pull off, you know, pretending to be in love with her. [what's the gesture for I'd like to make out with you later? Screw it...*places fist behind his back*]
• And finally, even if I was ultimately disappointed by it, I will endlessly applaud the infinite oddness of everything about The Lobster. I'm sure it would even get better if I watched it again, but I'd rather spend two hours looking at the lobster tank in my local grocery store. At least that ending would be satisfying (I assume the manager calls the cops and I get arrested and don't have to teach middle school anymore)

You'd think shuffleboard would be enough....

Booooooooooo!

• Why do most people pick dogs? Is it all the crotch-smelling? I don't get it. Like, what about an eagle? Or a shark? Or a donkey in Tijuana?
• Though recent awful surgery may have corrected the problem...on one side, let me throw a Boo to Bloody Nose Girl for reminding me of all the horrible times that my nose bled at the least opportune time imaginable.
• Man the near-future is rough.They still have toasters...and they totally frown on masturbation. Unfortunately, these two things have a lot in common. Yikes.
• I have done a lot of stupid things to impress a girl...but what John cooks up? Holy shit! I'm not sure any woman is worth that level of headache, for f--k's sake.
• Remember I cheered Heartless Lady? Well, I also f--king hate this bitch, too. Sure, that's exactly how I imagined she'd be in the sack, but it's still a Boo, you know? But that's not the real reason I hate her. I'd rather not talk about that, thank you very much.
• The rigidity surrounding the origin and maintenance of a relationship is suffocating enough in the world of The Lobster, but being single is 900 times worse. What the f--k is going on here, man? You'd figure living in the woods (when you're not being hunted for sport) would be an endless f--king orgy, right? Not. At. All. The f--k is this? I guess they don't want to lose their numbers?
• The Red Kiss is pretty bad. But the Red Intercourse? Much, much worse.
• I actually found it pretty funny, but wow, there really wasn't much love for Beartrap Guy, huh?
• What the f--k was that dancing in the woods? I thought I was watching a re-run of Sprockets for a second there...
• It's a shame you have glasses, Rachel Weisz. How about we take you in for corrective surgery? 
• And finally, the ending. No, I didn't want to see it...but I wanted to see something.

You know, the last couple of days I've been averaging right around five hours of sleep per night and I think I'm starting to lose my f--king mind. If only I could change into some adorable little animal that gets away with sleeping all day long whenever or wherever he feels like it. 

Fine. I want to be a dog now, too. 

I guess sometimes, being really unique isn't all its cracked up to be.