My wife doesn't act like this.

Our photographer sucked.
We didn't even get a videographer.
I failed to invite any of my co-workers, some of whom are now basically family.
And my actual family?  Most of them didn't even bother to show up. Or send a card.
The guy who officiated the whole thing? Totally went off-script during the ceremony.

But the number one regret I have about my wedding? My Friday wedding?

The only place I went away to, afterward, was straight back to work on Monday. In a f--king middle school.

While we absolutely got what we wanted months after our wedding (uh, exactly nine months after [Will Smith ain't the only Deadshot]) with a healthy baby boy, we never got what we wanted days after, as a romantic getaway simply wasn't in the cards. But after finally digging up/into my first scary movie of the season, well, I might be okay with that, actually. More than okay.

In 2014's Honeymoon, young couple Bea and Paul take their post-marriage bliss to a cabin by the lake. Not only to get away from it all (and f--k like rabbits), but also as a bit of a f--k you to Indian food, as previously ingested spicy dishes shit all over prior plans to go camping. 

As newlyweds, they aren't exactly living inside of dead horses or finding mysterious stick bundles, as Bea's family has a fairly rad cabin. In the woods. And outside of some non bra-less sex (read that again) and a brief run in with a former...friend who was a boy, the whole getaway is perfectly romantic. But like any guy who thinks he's going to have days and days of uh, passionate love-making (I'd be more vulgar, but...I'll save it for the locker room) with his wife, something unexpected comes along and majorly f--ks up everything.

Let's just say long hairy things are supposed go in that opening...not come out of it. (Unless I've been doing it wrong all these years...)


Honeymoon isn't fantastic by any stretch, but it gets enough points to avoid summer school, you know? The leads are both competent and capable actors and technically the film is sound (it's occasionally stunning), but after a successful build up and a truly mysterious...mystery...the story falls in on itself. When the big reveal finally occurs, it's so f--king weird it basically undoes the engaging setup and left me and my suddenly awake wife desperately asking each other what the f--k just happened?

Personally, I don't know how they could have ended the movie, outside of the obvious direction we appeared to be headed in the entire f--king time, but what we're left with was remarkably odd. Unfortunately, not that odd, which would have perhaps made things f--king awesome, but instead it all felt silly. You're probably not going to watch it anyway, but just in case, I'm apparently going to tiptoe around anything resembling coherence. My bad.

Speaking of not making any f--king sense, here are the Yays and Boos for director Leigh Janiak's only feature film to date. Unlike your feelings toward this blog, I'm actually looking forward to this guy's next project.

Since we've got to be here....let's live.

Yaaaaay!

• This is probably a Boo, but I think Bea's family bought this f--king cabin from Mark Duplass' character in Creep [review]. Man, it's been a year...but, yeah...f--k that movie. And f--k Peach Fuzz.
• At one point, something's amiss with the electrical wiring in the cabin. The lights kept flickering on and off. I would have been scared, had I not been pretty sure it was just Will trying to communicate with his mom about the whereabouts of Demogorgon. Oh, rascals.
• Paul keeps his shit together for a long time. But when he finally loses it? I don't blame him.
• After whatever the Hell happens, ol' Bea can't really do anything right. And when we finally find out why? I don't blame her, either.
• And finally, outside of the goofy ending, I actually liked spending time with Paul and Bea. Those young kids all madly in love with each other reminded me of a young couple I once knew. A real beautiful couple, if I recall correctly. I think they lived two, maybe three doors down from my wife and I.

I don't remember anyone getting tied up on my honeymoon.
And covered in blood. I'm not saying it didn't happen...
....it's just that I don't recall it happening.

Booooooooo!

• For a minute, I thought this was going to be a sex-free honeymoon. Instead, it was just classy...which oddly enough? Also a boo.
• Why is that someone in a movie that takes place on a lake is always afraid of water? That shit's annoying.
• Yeah, her old Friend Guy? That mofo was a weird f--king dude. Like, his whole scene was suuuuuper f--king awkward, you know? Why are we talking about his hat?
• Okay, so getting up at 3:45 in the morning to fish sucks enough balls, but when those fish are going to be your dinner, too? F--k that. But marginally worse? Realizing that not only are you about to freeze your nuts off on a lake you live in terror from, but....
• ....your new bride has totally f--king disappeared, too. On all fronts, nothing's gonna be biting on Paul's rod any time soon. Not even a nibble.
• So...those are some pretty gnarly mosquito bites, huh? And well, there um, kinda...you know, near her vagina...so, yeah. That's...unfortunate. Good thing they don't bleed too too much.
• No man ever wants to turn a Bossman Jr. down, but Paul, even though it pains me to say it, you have my support in this instance, good sir. Yikes.
• Three words: Possessed Horse Tail. Three more words: Covered in goo. Three more words: No thank you.
• And finally, that f--king ending. Look, I get it. There's some beautiful women around these parts. But really, guys? Really? You're gonna do us like that? At the bottom of a f--king lake? That shit's cold. And stupid as f--k.

Just this past Friday, I may have actually attended my last wedding, as one of my old co-workers finally got married to his long-time girlfriend. It was a very nice ceremony and a real romantic evening. In fact, I was pretty sure all of the (now married, with children) couples at our table were totally going to get it on later, maybe even relive their own wedding nights, possibly. Or their honeymoons.

Too bad I was alone. At a wedding. Where the only person I really knew was kind of busy...being the f--king groom. Where was my wife, you ask?

Working. In a place even worse than a middle school.


At home.