Monday, January 16, 2017

Are you guys really gonna go camping out in those woods?

The summer of 1999 was over seventeen years ago.

Back then, the twenty year-old version of myself didn't have a wife and kids to worry about. Nor did that handsome bastard have a career to waste seven and half hours a day on (I consider lunch to be rather productive). He didn't even have a home, really, as when he wasn't moving into or out of a dorm room, he slept in his little brother's bedroom (subsequently relegating that punk to the den).

However, that twenty year-old kid and I aren't all that different. I'm still obsessed with seeing as many new movies as a can, still get quietly giddy at the thought of going to the movies. And I'm still hopelessly willing to give a film a chance whether it's hyped as the next big thing, or a boring rehash of the same old shit.

Oh, and when it comes to movies, yeah, I'm still not scared of bundles of f--king sticks.


And you're boring, and you're totally ordinary, and you know it.
What the f--k, Blair Witch? Don't you know how this sequel thing goes? You're supposed to shit the bed of the original by deviating from what the made the first one good, not to ruin it by doing the same f--king thing again. That's what remakes are for, silly goose! (And f--k you if you think you can do both at the same time, 'cause that shit's impossible...ish. [I'm still not sure what to make of Evil Dead II, honestly...]).

Just like last time, the film is comprised of the found footage left behind by some nosy f--king college kids, who had headed into some Maryland woods looking for a mysterious witch. While in the original we had three annoying a-holes to account for, like any shitty sequel, we're gonna go bigger and double that number to six. Now we get to pitch our tents with White Guy and White Girl, Black Couple, and the impossibly stupid duo, Local F--kwads, They probably have names, but by the end of another eighty-plus minutes of running and heavy breathing, you definitely won't care what they were.

But just in case you do, or will, here's what else you need to know: White Guy's sister was that girl with the runny nose in the first one, and some recent footage has been posted online showing her reflection in a bathroom mirror. White Guy was little when his sister (Heather?) disappeared in the woods, so of course it makes sense that he heads back into the same ones to find her. Now, if say my brother had supposedly died while riding a go-kart down the wrong way of an interstate, I probably wouldn't pull the same move to go find him. But White Guy doesn't roll that way. Nope. He decides that not only must he go into the scary woods to find her twenty years later, but that, yes, he's totally going to film it, too. It worked out so well the first time....


Listen up, maggots. You are not special. You are not a beautiful or unique snowflake.
You're the same decaying organic matter as everything else.
Obviously, as the lone guy in 1999 who thought the first one sucked big, floppy donkey dick, the odds weren't exactly in the favor of me enjoying this updated version. But as hype worked against my potential boner for the original, any real anticipation for this one was rendered flaccid and unused by the box-office nose dive Blair Witch took in the fall of 2016. Like these damn culturally diverse hipsters, I went into these woods hoping for a good time, but came out staring at the wall and hoping for a merciful death. Yep, just like before, there are flashes of a good time, but in the end, it all amounts to two things, jack and shit.

Which oddly enough, are the nicknames for the Yays and Boos. Who knew?

I see dead people.
Yaaaaaaay!
  • So...everyone is like, way hotter this time around, right? Well, except the dudes. 
  • Never thought I'd admit to loving a drone, but that the captured forest footage was pretty f--king rad (though, I thought drones were only really appropriate for killing innocent people and for photographing celebs genitals).
  • When one of the six goes missing there's a vote to whether or not to search for that person. The result is such a resounding no f--king way I had to smile. Common sense is alive!
  • Further proof of (momentary) good judgement? When the stick things show up. What's this? Creepy satanic stick bundles? PACK IT UP!
  • You know in pretty much every horror movie, how that one character inadvertently hurts themselves and ends up laid up (and a huge f--king burden to boot)? Well, we get that here, too. The reason I'm applauding this? Welp, it's quite a f--king injury...eventually.
  • The House! I know, I shouldn't have been so excited to see that dilapidated piece of shit, but it was like seeing an old friend from college...that I f--king hated, sure...but college, right? That was fun, huh?
  • And finally, one of the more recent innovations in horror films that I love is the camera flash as the only source of light. Oh, that shit's my favorite. But almost as cool? Incessantly slapping a flashlight to make it work...for a second. We've all been there, and it's the f--king worst!
Yes, this is horrible, this idea.
Booooooooooo!
  • Let's just lock this in: White Guy heads to the scary woods because she could still be there. Twenty years later. Um, if you say so, brother.
  • The rival documentary filmmakers are the worst. Not only is their house a dump, but they're shady as f--k, too.
  • Dude, Black Guy? This dude is a dick. I'd say a big one, but for some reason...that seems inappropriate.
  • I'm not sure what's more frustrating, trying (and failing) to pitch a tent, or the fact that someone stood by and filmed trying to pitch a tent.
  • One of the Local F--kwads, Lane, looks like a homeless version of Billy Joe Armstrong. Makes sense, actually, as this whole movie is Dookie.
  • So, about 40% of this movie is totally incomprehensible, right? Maybe more. But I'm pretty sure a tree falls on someone (which should be awesome). But there's two Boos on that one. 1) Dude, how turned around do you have to be to not see a tree coming? 2) Fine. The dumb kid doesn't see it coming? But the dumb audience? They should get to see it coming.
  • Look, I can hear my kids on the other side of a crowded Target. These f--kers? They take two steps in the isolated woodlands and they're instantly out of earshot. The f--k is this? I'm sorry. I said, THE F--K IS THIS!!!??
  • The kids set up a rad night-vision camera that is focused on the outside of their tent(s), you know, to record any funny business in the middle of the night. Again, two Boos. 1) No funny business happens at all. 2) No funny business happens at all. Oh, one of those should read dirty sex. My bad.
  • Oh really? The girl with the thing growing out of her ankle is going to climb a 900 foot tree? No, no. Carry on. With that retarded plan.
  • Maybe it was scary in the theater, but the fact that on more than one occasion someone leaps in front of the camera for no apparent reason was all kinds of annoying. I'd think it would be unwise to scare one of your friends in the middle of a witch-hunt, you know? Could someone put a frickin' bell on him or something?
  • And finally, what the f--k was with the ending? Was that the witch or a sexy lady alien looking for a good time? Whatever the Hell it was, it didn't make any sense. Yeah, they stretched her out back in the day, I get it, but what the f--k was that? If I got my dick blown off a hundred years ago by angry townsfolk, I'm assuming my evil spirit gets to haunt people with said dick still attached, right? Respect the cock.
It's safe to say that I'm not a fan of all things Blair Witch, regardless of the year (oh, and f--k that sequel that came out in 2000), but no matter how terrible this or the original turned out to be, they can't sully the memory of 1999. Hell, I'm still quoting my favorites...over seventeen years later.

What's strange, is that maybe, just maybe, there's some twenty year-old kid out there, who's going to obsess over the films of 2016, and hold all future releases against them. Poor bastard. Not only is that a terrible idea to begin with...


...but it's already been done.



Better.

12 comments:

  1. A+++ use of "big, floppy donkey dick"

    For what it's worth, 12 year old me thought it sucked in 1999 too. I think that might have been my first run in with ambiguous endings and I bitched about that for weeks afterwards. Probably the first time my mom ever regretted letting watch a horror movie not for being scared, but for being disappointed.

    This review is amazing.

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    1. If I remember correctly, didn't you get caught having that written on your fridge or something? Hi-five on that!

      Ah, 1999. I love you so. Looking back, it's such a f--king awesome year in movies. I tried to sneak in some quotes from my favorites...but I'm not sure how well it worked out.

      Dude, you were 12? Good God, what were you doing at The Blair Witch Project? That shit's hardcore for 1999. I mean, today, 12 y/o kids are all up in way weirder shit (uh, thanks interweb), but back then...this was some edgy shit. I'm impressed.

      And scared.

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    2. Yes, I did! lol.

      There was some type of family drama that I barely remember that lead to me getting to tag along for Blair Witch. All I can remember is the movie so clearly that distraction worked. lol

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    3. Uh, sweet...I guess. Shit, if I had got to go to the movies every time something happened with my family...well, I went a lot anyway...but still. That would have kicked ass.

      Yeah, I could see the original sucking in a little kid. Definitely.

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  2. No, you're not alone in thinking the original sucked. I hated that shit. With a mf'ing passion! It was so bad I never bothered with that other sequel. I'm doubting whether I'll ever watch this one, either. Though I will say, judging from the pics you used, I have to agree this cast is hotter. That's not going to make me see it, but I'm just sayin'.

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    1. Ah, yes. I forgot we shared mutual hatred for this franchise. It makes sense, too. I mean, we around the same age. We knew better then.

      They are hotter, yes. But let's be honest...the bar wasn't set all that high. And, neither one of us would sit through a movie just because there's some beautiful woman in it, right? I mean...uh...

      ...what was I saying again?

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  3. The original is amazing! You guys are high with loving Arrival and shitting on the original. I haven't seen this abomination yet but it's hilarious how they clearly intended this thing at the end (saw some pics online, it's basically the crap out of REC) to be the witch but now they are backpedaling and saying no no, it's not that. The director and the writer are just being such whiny little bitches on twitter and during interviews it's far better to witness than I assume this movie

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    1. We're high? Girl, you trippin' as the original is a giant shit sandwich. And let's not even get started on Arrival....just....no. No let's movie on.

      Whatever the Hell that thing was at the end was f--king ridiculous. It looked like one of the Cloverfield monsters parasitic twin. Or like, a way gone Paris Hilton, coming down off a major bender of Moutain Dew and highlighter refills.

      Oooh, sign me up for a Twitter feud. Yes, please.

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  4. I was about 13 when I watched the original, and it was when I was one of those 'I ain't scared of this shit' kids that was absolutely TERRIFIED.
    I may just watch this one for the lols :)

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    1. Gah! All you damn kids and your charming tales of youth. Technically, I too was a teenager, as I was actually a couple months shy of twenty when the original Blair Witch came out. I was just, you know, super mature.

      It scared you? Really? The only thing I was afraid of was throwing up in the aisle. And all the people who were utterly convinced that we were watching something real. Good God, people. They don't sell popcorn and Twizzlers to watch 'evidence'.

      No! It's not funny. At all.

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  5. Hahahaha fuck man this cracked me up

    13-year-old me thought it was pretty crap too. Didn't see it at the cinema but my dad rented it for us to watch when it was out on his home theatre set-up. All I remember is thinking 'why are so many people talking about this?'. In retrospect I guess everyone was talking about it cos it was the first found-footage type movie wasn't it?

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    1. Thanks, man.

      See, I'll give it endless respect for pioneering something that truly changed cinema forever, sure, but that doesn't mean it's good. I could be the first guy to shit on the table at Thanksgiving, but so what?

      You sound like a pretty solid 13 y/o, you know? The rest of 'em were terrified by stick bundles and runny noses.

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