Monday, January 23, 2017

People prepare for the worst, hope for the best.

I can't smell. At least not very...well.

So, if science class taught me anything (and it didn't), it would only make sense that I can't taste very well, either. But how the f--k do you quantify one's ability to taste and or smell something...well? It's impossible!

Can you see the giant f--king 'E'? No? Congratulations, asshole. You're blind. Hey, did you hear that buzzer? No? Looks like your ears are useless. Enjoy that piano recital.

I know, who the f--k can't smell? It sounds f--king ridiculous, doesn't it? Like the stupidest f--king thing ever, right?

Well...

Clearly I don't get out all that often (like my wife wants to drag around a nose-blind dickhead all day), but what the f--k is Perfect Sense? And why has it taken me six years to find it? (And how the Hell did it get made!?!)

While all initially seems right in David Mackenzie's 2011 flick, rather quickly, it seems that yet again, our planet is about to get f--ked in the arse pandemically. No, it's not Korean train zombies, or the monkey rage virus, or whatever the Hell those things were in I Am Legend. Instead, it's a mysteriously rapid onset of overwhelming emotion. Wait, what? I'm going to get a massive boner for an hour...and that's a bad thing? Well...

Actually, the emotions are going to vary, sure, but that's not the kicker. See, once the rush of rage/joy/sadness/whatever is gone, the price paid is, uh, one of your senses. Yeah, week by week the entire population loses its shit for an hour, then a sense forever. Uh huh. I know. F--king weird, that.



While this could be the result of the Praying Mantis things skullf--king the infantry in Starship Troopers XV, it's instead the plot of a fairly interesting science-fictiony romance. And starring the always charming Ewan McGregor, and the equally charming (though usually kind of a bitch) Eva Green, it's a very easy, very compelling watch.

You might be surprised what she puts into her mouth. Dirty girl!
Sure, their relationship isn't exactly something to aspire to, (I'm pretty sure Green's character hates everything [including covering her breasts {*spits out water* I'm sorry, WHAT??}]) but even if it's not the end of the world, all anybody wants is to love and be loved in return. At times, the overwhelming emotion thing can veer a little into The Happening territory (though nothing will ever defeat lawnmower guy), but it's all grounded in a somewhat heartbreaking love story. Oh, and boobs.

Speaking of those things you try to only glance at quickly before you get caught actually looking, here are the Yays and Boos. I'm not sure about their sense of smell, but I know for a fact that these f--kers have zero taste.

I wish the people I cooked for couldn't taste.
Yaaaaaaaaaaaay!
  • This movie is really short. About 90 minutes. And about 2 in? Well...
  • You guys, Ewen Bremner is in this. His pleasure, is in other's people's leisure. Er, dinner. 
  • After taste goes, the joy in going out to eat is the sound of a restaurant and the texture/temperature of food! Um, that's exactly what I love about them, too.
  • Some of the epic rage-ness, is pretty f--king cool. Though, uh, was some of that real? 
  • Was the news of a child being born...the foundation for a sequel? Let's explore more of...this story.
  • Let's play a game, sailor.
  • Look. Yes, it sucks that the government wants everybody to stay home. But, hey. They are hand-delivering spaghetti....so it ain't all bad.
  • Two seconds before the monkey loses it, there's this beautiful scene with some rabbits just chilling with him in a lab. It's all very tranquil, very chill (and bunnies!)
  • When everyone finally loses their hearing, all sound (outside of the score and a wee bit of narration) exits the film. Rad, right?
  • The world eventually becomes full of violent, we're all f--ked a-holes. But not that one guy. Nope. That dude is going to take care of this place, functioning senses or not.
  • The end. Aw.
  • And finally, I don't care what movie you're going to counter with. For Ewan McGregor, let's just say, this is the role of a lifetime. If at the end of the film he accepted actual human money for his participation in this film, I have lost all respect for him. Who needs cash, when you've already been paid in boners?
I don't think I've ever ordered out of this catalog....
Boooooooo!
  • When shit really starts to hit the fan, it appears we need a scapegoat. Who gets fingered for this catastrophe? The usual suspects (lack of religion, too much religion, terrorists, corrupt government, etc).
  • Uh, buddy, you might want to give that beef a little heat before you dig in. No? Okay. We're cool.
  • Not sure I'm a fan of this which one of us is the most rotten person in the room game, but I'm damn sure who wins it.
  • Is it really going to come down to making out with a surgical mask on? Really? #notmypresident
  • No offense to my deaf brothers and sisters out there, but that concert seemed kind of silly. Just a little.
  • I tried on more than one occasion to explain this film to my wife. The face she made every single time I attempted to justify the premise? Uncalled for.
  • And speaking of undesired results, I'm assuming the point of this movie was to make the end of the world look terrible, right? Like, I should probably appreciate my life a little bit more (and my four working senses, too), yes? Well, sorry, but no. Didn't feel that way in the least. With Green riding shotgun til the end of days, I kept thinking, Holy shit, sign me up!
  • And finally, to my dear friend Margaret at cinematic corner. See, when I finish watching the film, like any other unoriginal bastard, I quickly scour Google images for some screen shots to steal, right? Right. And whose lovely images do I come across rather quickly? None other than motherf--king Tinkerbell's. And all I could think about when I saw her blog's name come up? You knew. You knew about this...and you didn't tell me? I thought we were friends.
I hope that, unlike me, you're sitting at your laptop with all of your senses firmly intact. You made it this far, so at the very least your eyes work, which is f--king sweet, right? Of course it is. But then again, you made it all the way here. To the end.

Shit.

You sure you're feeling okay?

10 comments:

  1. This movie sounds so depressing. Good lord.

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    1. I guess it's kind of depressing, but when a very lovelorn Eva Green is your consolation prize for surviving the apocalypse, I wasn't too down about anything. Dick move, I know.

      But, yes, having your senses ripped away one by one? That would suck.

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  2. This sounds odd, to say the least. You've got me curious, though I imagine I'm making the same face as your wife when trying to figure out what's going on.

    Oh, almost forgot, seems to me Eva Green always hates covering her breasts. God bless her.

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    1. It's not that it's difficult to understand, but my wife was like, "really? That's what happens at the end of the world now? Have they exhausted all the other possibilities?" which I thought was kinda rude, honestly. It's a wacky idea no doubt, but Hell, at least it ain't the rage virus...again.

      GOD BLESS US ALL!

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  3. Your captions are absolutely priceless, by the way.
    But what the hell kind of movie is this?! Count me in. I need to see this!

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    1. Well, thank you, young lady. That's nice of you to say.

      I don't know what the Hell kind of movie this is, but please let me know if you decide to tackle it! Love to hear your thoughts, you know, before the entire planet goes deaf one day.

      Delete
  4. Oh my good God. People, people, people...if Stephen Dillane, Ed Harris or Hardy or J-boo is in something not only did I've seen it, wrote of it but I probably also unloaded a lot of gifs of it out there on the web. He is holding bunnies in this! Of course I've seen it! I think I even made a separate post about the ending

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    1. Look, dammit! All your fine gents get me rather flummoxed at times, okay? Is it the steel-eyed older guy without the hair? Is it that one? Or the younger one with the mammoth ding-dong? Goodness, how's a motherf--ker supposed to keep this shit straight?

      Hell, I assumed the guy you were speaking of was the dude that ran the restaurant, but no, no...it's f--king Bunny Guy!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH! *rage*

      Oh, shit. I'm blind now.

      Delete
    2. Sir, Ed Harris has hair. Maybe not many but each and every single one is like the rest of him a magnificent gift to this unworthy world.

      Man, apparently I should keep you all hostage, monitor the reading of RF and have a quiz at the end and if you guys answer wrong I should just spank you with a ruler and yell NEIN.

      How the hell does one not know Stephen Dillane the second he appears in the movie, I am not brainwashing you all enough.

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    3. You're right. He does have hair, dammit! Us guys that are starting to lose it should stick together. Well, he's kind of beyond 'starting'...

      Sign me up for hostage detail, especially if there's a quiz at the end. Uh, and more...assuming I fail it.

      Sorry. I thought he was the restaurant dude. Bunny Guy was solid, but I don't really remember his face.

      Delete