Friday, March 31, 2017

Can you stop touching me now?

I feel like I've been down this road before, but since this is a site about movies, it kind of goes with the territory. At this rate, you can be considered a breath of fresh air if you when you say the same shit over again...in a live-action new way. So pardon me if this feels a bit...re-imagined.

The thing about messing around with someone's childhood, is that it turns out, get this, we're all different ages. That thing I hold so near and dear, might be something you've never heard of. And your beloved childhood memory? It might be something I didn't give a damn about in college.

In fact, my only memory of today's subject, occurred sometime in or around 1996. As some of my classmates and I descended into our school's computer lab, we were challenged to try our hand at this new thing called the world wide web. Our teachers promised us this was a place where we could find whatever we were looking for. And the first thing I recall that ever made the Netscape N pulse was when some horny a-hole typed in these three words:

Pink Ranger NUDE.

While I remember the ensuing (and very pixelated, uh, when it was instantly printed) image quite vividly, I'm can't exactly recall if they used all caps on the n word. But when it comes to my enjoyment of the re-imagined version Power Rangers, please excuse me if I turn on Caps Lock the rest of the way (and type the rest of this review with my johnson), even if doesn't feature a topless chick.

At the behest of my phone promising me buy 1 get 1 free tickets, not to mention a bored seven year-old boy at home, I essentially had to see this movie. And while I thought it might be decent enough (the early reviews weren't kind) to snicker at behind a bucket of popcorn, let me go on the record as saying I f--king loved this movie. It might not be for everyone, Hell, anyone, but it was tailor-made for dads to take their young sons, too. *squeals*

After a jarringly-intense opening, Power Rangers quickly becomes a re-imagining of The Breakfast Club, versus the lame Voltron ripoff you might've been anticipating. A bunch of (supposedly) do-nothing kids are lumped together in Saturday detention, likely counting the days until they can leave this town forever, man! *flicks cigarette, er, e-cigarette* Quickly, our main crew is established: Misunderstood Jock, Hot Chick, Weird Chick, Quiet Asian Guy w/ Sick Mom, Funny Autistic Dude/Black Guy/the Nerdy One...and we're off.

Sort of.



Inexplicably, these five kids who have almost finished high-school without ever having spoke to one another, somehow come together in the awesomely typical abandoned mine/rock quarry-thing that all the cool kids hang out at. Some stuff goes down, rocks are cracked, and magically, five brightly-colored stones are unearthed. It's all cool, cool...whatever, bruh, until everybody wakes up the next day strong as Hell, like Tobey Maguire flexing in the mirror way back in Raimi's first Spider-Man. And yes, nobody needs their damn glasses anymore.

What actually surprised me, despite it taking forever for these damn kids to put on those damn suits (and kick the ass of a giant golden Lava Monster), I still cared. Still hung in with the most cliched story ever starring a bunch of people I've never seen before in my life.

Wait, what? *southern accent* m. brown. You touched in the head, or something, young feller?


I don't even know what's happening in here, but I love it.
(oh, and I'm not talking about the picture. I'm talking about my pants)
Yes, obviously, but not in this case.

Listen, this is by all accounts a terrible movie, something that isn't even so bad it manages to, um, morph (oh screw you) into something great. But none of that matters. My son (and I) had so much fun with it, there's a 900% chance that we'll flock for the theaters for the next one, possibly linking together magically on the way, in an effort to form the biggest nerd ever. Go, go Awful Sequel!

Speaking of terrible things that are seemingly here to stay, let's (jump) kick it right now...with the Yays and Boos. Matty and I caught this one directly after school last Friday, so there's a chance our judgement was impaired by the euphoria that is the end of five consecutive days of public education.

And no, he's not the Yellow ranger...
...you racist jerk.
Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!

  • 4:30 pm showing. That was sold out.
  • You know something magical is about to happen when every single person walking into the theater is a fat guy with a backpack! And by magical, I really mean sweaty. But still...
  • Dude. Bryan Cranston is in this. Like, for real.
  • There's a car crash early on that is super intense! I had to check on the little guy after that one. And he was exhilarated.
  • I'm just thinking out loud here, but Jason, the head/Red ranger, totally makes Bully Ed Sheeran his bitch. 
  • Uh, Kimberly? I really, really like your bathing suit. Translation: I thought she was swimming topless. I don't know about Matty, but Dad? Exhilarated.
  • You know that ol' scene where a car full of people is being chased and it's suddenly apparent that a speeding train is going to be a part of the equation? Uh, that happens. But in a movie full of cliches? What happens next ain't one of them.
  • The whole let's see how far we can jump scene was a good time.
  • Yes. But only in the shower. Hahahaha...oh, Zack. You so crazy.
  • Admittedly, there's a point where something needs to finally get kicked in the face, and thank God, these Rock Monster things show up. They're entirely non-threatening, which is lame, but they have faces...which get kicked...so I'm calling it a victory.
  • One of the rangers is gay? Cool. Especially as a douchey high-schooler, I thought they all were.
  • I don't care who it is, where it is, Hell, I don't even care why it is, you show me five badass people walking shoulder-to-shoulder in slow motion, and you can help yourself to my body.
  • Fine, it's basically product placement at its worst, but I'm going to allow Krispy Kreme to inexplicably be integral to the plot. Especially when my son referred to it as Chris' Cream in our post-movie discussion. Dad, is Chris' Cream really a place? IT IS!???
  • That Power song has been played to death, but screw it. Giant robot dinosaurs were fighting a golden Jello/Thor monster (the Destroyer thing from the first one). I mean, I'm sure that's Kanye was imagining when he wrote. Like, positive.
  • Speaking of that scene, the whole final battle was impossibly rad. Giant creatures are being suplexed. Villains are being bitch-slapped into orbit. It's so crazy...even some old timers had to stop a take a picture, you know? 
  • And finally, this is what I've become: goofy movie Dad. And I absolutely love it. Many years ago, upon hearing that my wife was pregnant with a boy, one of students said, Mr. Brown, I'm very happy for you. Now you'll have someone to go see all those silly movies with. Another right answer for Ruby...
This is a still of Banks directing Pitch Perfect 3: In Space.
Boooooooooooo!
(though depending on your mood, these might be Yays)
  • This movie starts off in the Cenozoic Era. Which I had never even heard of. With a dead Ranger.
  • Elizabeth Banks (pictured to the right) plays the villain. And honestly, she's kind of (delightfully?) awful. But what's elevates the awfulness? Her wicked, demonic name that shall strike fear into the hearts of men? Rita. (which happens to be my mother-in-law's name as well). Was Joanne too scary? Ruth? Irene?
  • You milked the cow? But it was a dude. That explains why it only had one huge udder. GUYS! I've got my kid here. Can we talk about jerking off animals later?
  • Oh, and speaking of, what's up with bitch (x2), wiseass, regular ass (x3), bullshit, regular shit and douchebag being thrown around so casually? Isn't this a kid's movie? Oh, right. That's how these punks talk nowadays. (uh, this is absolute fact, parents)
  • Ladies, if you get upset near a bathroom, let me be the first to tell you: you don't have to cut off all your hair to show the world you're a rebel. You could do something a little more subtle. Say, sleep with a movie blogger or something, perhaps?
  • This one Ranger is pretty edgy, you know? Like she not only does yoga at the top of a cliff, but she listens to death metal while she does it. If only she could strike a match off of her gold tooth...
  • Alpha 5 is essentially a bootleg version of Johnny 5. I'm pretty sure somebody owes that Pakistani dude some money...
  • Okay, the future version of Rita was actually kind of scary. But even more frightening, the possibly drunk mom who leaned over Matty to LOUDLY WHIPSER UH, THAT'S KINDA SCARY FOR KIDS, RIGHT? I actually give her credit. Usually I don't notice such things, when I'm on Facebook with the brightness turned all the way up.
  • Hey, Jewelry Store Lady. Do you have any gold? I'm sorry, do you have any delicious gold I could awkwardly eat in front of you.
  • Speaking of Rita, the demon from another dimension (aka, an even worse Enchantress), she's oddly familiar with eeny-meeny-miny-moe. But hit her with the term 'dining establishment' and she has no f'ing clue what's going on.
  • The campfire tell-all required real-human emotion. Yeah, about that. I don't think these kids could have emoted had they been tossed in that friggin' fire....
  • And finally, I had no idea until after the fact that this was PG-13. This is totally my bad, as I simply assumed that it was rated PG, as, you know, it's about the freakin' Power Rangers, for shit's sake. Look, I would have brought my son regardless, but I'm concerned that even kids stuff is way more mature than it needs to be. I know, I know, shut it, old man....but this one totally could have been PG and still been dope. 
It's weird that the only real basis I have for anything related to the Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers was a crude internet search twenty years ago. But what's even more strange, is the idea that here I am, writing about taking my son to a movie version of that silly show on a website that I am solely responsible for. Back then? It was those three words that opened the door to the vast wasteland of the internet. Three words that would typify a lifetime of time wasted online.

And two decades later, I've got three more words that you probably shouldn't ever type into a search engine, because who knows where they may lead you.

(uh, they're at the top of the page in giant yellow letters

8 comments:

  1. lol "Rita" That really does strike fear into you.

    I loved Power Rangers as a kid, and then was relentlessly bullied by someone (cunt) for liking it so now it leaves a really shitty taste in my mouth. But in a way, I'm glad this movie is doing well for the new generation of kids that embrace nerdy shit.

    Great review!

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    1. If it weren't my wife's name, it wouldn't be scary in the least...but I've made some mistakes during the 16 years we've been together (nothing major!)...so it does have the ability to rattle me here and there, you know?

      Whoa! That's awesome that you loved it. I'm not sure if either one of younger siblings were into it, but looking back (now), I totally support that. Hopefully I wouldn't have been a dick about it like the person you're referencing.

      Dude! It's super nerdy! Which is awesome...even if this one happens to be a little less nerdy (I suppose).

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  2. So glad you had a great time with your son watching this. I'm even older than you so I have even less use for Power Rangers. Besides, my son almost old enough for me to legally buy him a drink. My daughters are a bit younger. The one kinda wants to see it, but isn't pressing the issue. The older..., yeah, she played the 'ruining my childhood' card, lol. In other words, I won't be going out to see this. Still, you've got me hopeful about the possibility of a great bad movie so I will give it a go at some point.

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    1. Thanks, Dell.

      Yeah, I remember you've got a couple of years on me, so when you first search for nudity on the internet, I'm assuming you went a different way altogether, right? Right.

      I honestly think that you'll be surprised with it, man. It's silly and pretty dumb...but for what it is? It's pretty good. (but if you judge it against something like the Avengers or something...it's gonna totally blow, you know?)

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    2. Definitely went a different route with the first search for nudity. IIRC, I went with the old classic, the unmistakable "xxx." The world changed that day.

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    3. Hahahaha....I remember the first time my cousin got online, and we foolishly looked up Red Sox stuff. But the next day, we went through the browser history, sex, sex.com, and various other simple phrases had been search in the last browsing session. Apparently my uncle was rather curious...

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  3. "(aka, an even worse Enchantress)" - Yeah that is simply not possible, man!

    This looks...fun? I saw the trailer for it before Logan so back when I was still somewhat mentally stable. 2h after that fact I was long gone.

    I adore Banks, she is so pretty, talented and funny. I love it whenever she shows up on Modern Family as a mess of a party girl. Seems like she had a blast in this role and she got pretty decent reviews for it so go get them big money, Liz!

    It's so cool you and your kid had fun with this. I usually see films alone because the only times I still have enough energy to see them are right after work and I was just miserable yesterday during Ghost in the Shell but so were the other 15 or so people in the theater with me

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    1. You know what? You're right. She just looks WORSE. But Banks is clearly having a good time with it. You know, being RITA.

      Hahahaha...I hear you. I wouldn't recommend it unless you have some nostalgia for the old show. I didn't, but again, I had a stoked little kid with me, so that worked out well.

      Banks is the best! I stopped watching MF before I recall ever seeing her, but sounds like something I would certainly dig. And, it would never hurt to see a little more Gloria...rowr.

      I used to almost always go alone, but lately I have been on quite the hot streak with the family (uh...and the 'expensive streak too' ffs).

      Based on your word I'm likely out for Ghost...though I love me some ScarJo....so uh...I might be powerless to resist...er...can't....stop...looking...boobs..

      *dies*

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