Monday, April 3, 2017

I'm a fan, by the way.

Seventeen years as the same amazing character.
Seventeen years of routinely delivering the most bankable performance in a gigantic movie franchise.
Seventeen years making sure that no one walking this planet will ever best you in such an iconic role.

Seventeen f--king years, man. This role has a part-time job, a license, and all kinds of hair on its (gigantic) balls.

And while doing something magnificently for almost two decades is incredibly admirable, ending the entire run on the highest of high notes is bitter f--king sweet, you know? You finally knock me on my ass...and now you're walking away? Have you no consideration for my feelings, here? Seriously, I don't think I'll ever be able to love anyone else the way that I loved you. Just thought you should know that...mister. 

I know, I know, I'm focusing on the pain. But it's the only thing that's real, you know? At least I have my memories of you to keep me upright...

Your stoic presence. Your unflinching loyalty in the face of adversity. Those eyes, the fire that's burned behind them since the turn of the f--king century- I'll never forget them. And oh God, that voice. Stops me right in my tracks every single time I hear it. But the most memorable part of the role you were absolutely born to play? Easy.

That bald head.

I like how this poster implies that the little girl isn't an absolute death machine.
While my adoration for Patrick Stewart's run as Professor Charles Xavier may surprise you, the real shocker is how f--king good Logan is. It's quite honestly the best Marvel movie ever made. And yes, Stewart again commands the screen as the near-the-end version of Professor X, but all (wholly unnecessary) misdirection aside, the real star of this movie, and this franchise, has been and will always be Hugh f--king Jackman as Wolverine. I'm almost certain no actor has ever given more of his life to a role in the history of modern cinema. And to it finally come to an end is, personally, two things: incredibly exhilarating...

...and totally f--king devastating.

Set many years after the last (mostly shitty?) X-Men film, Logan finds Jackman's Wolverine literally limping through a quiet existence somewhere along the border between Mexico and Texas. Working as a chauffeur, Logan is doing all he can to take care of a dying Professor X, whose telepathic superpowers are completely f--ked up and endanger anyone near him. It's a sad state of affairs, as two of the world's greatest heroes are living out their days like distinguished veterans of an army for a country that was blown off the map years prior. It's not how these guys were supposed to go, but if they can just scrape together enough cash to buy a boat, perhaps they'll be able to die with a little dignity. Assuming, of course, that a self-inflicted adamantium bullet to the brain is dignified.

Enter a mysterious woman, demanding that Logan help her and a child reach a safe zone somewhere in North Dakota. While Logan doesn't really want any f--king part of this and would rather be left alone (seemingly his mantra), the money's good - so he reluctantly accepts to drive them there. Unfortunately, the woman is killed and Logan is left with two burdens, a malfunctioning Xavier and a little mute girl with serious anger issues. But, a deal's a deal, and despite some heavy mofos in hot pursuit, Logan's going to get the job done...even if it kills him.

About an hour after this scene, my wife leans over and whispers He looks terrible.
And then instantly, far off in the distance...I swear I heard an explosion of some sort. In Poland.
While there's a ton more to the story, and the script was based off a readily-available graphic novel from 2008, I'd rather not get into the plot any further. Everything you've heard about this movie is true, and it's not only an excellent 'superhero' movie, but it's truly an excellent film. The weight of all those movies before, all those years of killing and surviving, has taken a heavy toll on Charles and Logan, and the culmination of their story will take your breath away. It's vivid, violent, funny and shockingly poignant, basically everything you could ask for in a movie. And it's got f--king Hugh Jackman (and Patrick Stewart, for f--k's sake) in it. I'm not sure you could ask for anything more. Nor should you, you greedy bastard.

I don't care how many comic book movies they make for the rest of time.
No scene will ever be better than this one.
But what you didn't ask for, you're actually going to get quite the heaving portion of, in the Yays and Boos. It's been a long, strange trip to arrive at Logan. And we've got a lot to be emotional about. If you somehow haven't seen the film yet, well, what the f--k are you waiting for?

How badass is every single thing about this picture?
  • That Deadpool teaser in the beginning was pretty f--king funny. What's that guy got to change into?
  • So, that limo is pretty f--king cool and all, and Logan's sole source of income, sure, but the level he went to to protect it? awesome.
  • Hearing Professor X drop some f-bombs is almost on par with hearing Johnny f--king Cash cover Nine Inch Nails over images of a grizzled Jackman doing...well, anything. (seriously, was that the most perfect trailer ever? Don't worry about a response...rhetorical question)
  • Ultimately, I guess I'm a fan of Caliban, I think, but initially there was no doubt. That was my favorite mug.
  • You want to make old man Logan look even cooler? Give him a sweet pair of my grandfather's reading glasses. Reading glasses! Suck on that 2029. 
  • Get back in your office Hotel Lady. Trust me, you're out of your element.
  • There isn't enough room on the internet to even begin to say enough about the performance of Dafne Keen, the little girl that plays Laura/X-23. Her initial ass-devouring scene is the stuff of legend. My advice? When you see a little girl eating cornflakes, instead of question her, you turn around and walk the f--k away. You need proof? Well, my head is still attached to my body.
  • Holy shit! In a movie where everyone dies in the most brutally amazing way ever, I feel like I need to put my hands together for Guy That Ends Up Riding on the Fence Until He Hits a Wall at Top Speed. I'm pretty sure you can guess why he's so f--king cool.
  • That was a pretty sweet move with that oncoming train, right? Good thing it was the longest f--king train ever, too.
  • Bring me the TRACKA! I actually liked this sleazeball. He seemed somewhat...understanding?
  • Oh, Laura. This girl literally pushes buttons. When she's not, you know, murdering everything in her path. I like your new hat, by the way (please don't kill me).
  • Eriq La Salle! Amazing! He actually plays the direct opposite of the last character I saw him play in a movie here (Daryl Jenks, anyone?), and I love him for it.
  • Speaking of Mr. La Salle, the entire scene at the Munson farm typifies this movie's greatness in one ten-minute scene. The kindness of Logan to help them. The Munson's generosity in hosting them. The tension between the two kids. All of it just made you feel good about everything. Like, life is pretty good sometimes, you know. But guess what? Nothing gold can stay, Pony.
  • Dude. Logan vs. 24 was so f--king insane! I had no idea what was going on and probably would have literally pissed my pants...if my heart hadn't stopped altogether. Ridiculous in the best possible way!
  • Man, those little kids were quite the wild bunch, right? Frost-breath kid shattering arms, Forest Girl skinning motherf--kers! Good God. Those kids were so scary, I thought I was in my homeroom for a second. You know, other than the fact that I was rooting for these little mutants.
  • Get behind me. (uh, is there room for me, too?)
  • And finally, the ending. I'm not exactly happy to be saying goodbye to Hugh Jackman and this character, but I'm beside myself with glee in how his story concluded. Not everybody gets to go out on top (almost twenty years later, for f--k's sake), but under the direction of James Mangold, Jackman gets exactly that. And as happy as am, let me be clear: don't ever revisit this character. Ever. I'd buy 100 tickets to a Matrix reboot before I would ever see somebody else play Wolverine.
  • Other than a young woman with an insatiable desire for 'homeless, bearded gentlemen', who the Hell would hire this dude to drive them around on prom? Seriously. Don't they read the comics?
  • Shit. Either tigers are extinct or Freddy Krueger is. Either way, this film presents a future I don't want to live in.
  • So, Logan's crib with Professor X is kind of a shithole, no? At least they still have access to Taco Bell commercials, right?
  • Glorified truffle pig? Chin up, man, At least you can go out in the dayli-- oops, nevermind (yo, frying him was a pretty dick move...)
  • What the f--k was with that fence? In the history of motion pictures, I don't think I've ever seen a stronger barricade. If Jurassic Park had a fence like that, we've got one more lawyer walking the planet (and a much shittier movie).
  • Autotrucks are the worst. In fact, they're almost as bad as actual tractor trailers.
  • This probably should have been a Yay, but what the Hell, Hugh? Did you have to carry Stewart up a flight of f--king stairs? What's next? You're gonna give your life protecting a little girl? You f--king incredibly kind, handsome, talented, selfless jerkface. How do the rest of us compete with this, man? 
  • Oh, and what was with taking your shirt off when you were helping Mr. Munson and his water line? Was it because it was wet? Just stop. Trust me. It's not just your shirt that's wet, Hugh.
  • It wasn't me. It wasn't me. I had to lock my shit down to not burst into tears here...
  • But as bad as that was, I was stunned with the fact that Mr. Munson had to live long enough to see everything that unfolded at his house. F--king terrible.
  • Logan! What the Hell, man? Pulling your hand away from Laura? Not cool.
  • Hey, kids. Leave the beard alone, will you? Not funny, indeed.
  • Okay, as much as I loved them, there's a shot of the little mutant kids that's unintentionally hysterical. You could almost hear them going myeh myeh myeh at the camera as they half-heartedly made little scratching motions.
  • And finally. that one minute that I thought Logan was the worst person on the planet. It was brief, and I was disoriented, but I was so stunned as saddened, even when I figured out the truth, it was almost unforgivable. 
I'm always thinking about how I'm going to walk away from this blog, as I've poured years of my life into this f--king site, but I can't see how it ends. Maybe I'll pull a Logan and walk away after my greatest post ever. 

F--k. What if I don't ever write a great post? Then what? I'll be chained to this laptop forever.

Or at least seventeen years, I suppose. And by that time?

I'll have my own bald head.


  1. Great review! I loved this movie. But now I want to know what happened before it. Did Logan have to watch all his friends die?

    Hugh, come back I need you for a minute. lol

    1. Thanks!

      Oh, I like what you did here. A little prequel to see how they ended up living their shattered lives? I'm good with this. Very good, in fact/

  2. "About an hour after this scene, my wife leans over and whispers He looks terrible. And then instantly, far off in the distance...I swear I heard an explosion of some sort. In Poland."

    I cannot even get out words WHAT DID YOUR WIFE SAY?! OH MY GOD! THE NERVE! THE AUDACITY!!! OH MY GOD!!!

    "Other than a young woman with an insatiable desire for 'homeless, bearded gentlemen', who the Hell would hire this dude to drive them around on prom? Seriously. Don't they read the comics?"

    Dude. Dude. How long have you known me? Do you think I'd hire him to...DRIVE me around? Drive? Really? DRIVE?

    This is such a dope review and I'm so glad you liked it. And I'm also so glad he took off his shirt while...fixing...the...pipes...or whatever he was doing there. and then that shotgun moment. Oh my God.

    No mention for shovel to the car? I was dying. I haven't stopped crying yet and I just started laughing so hard. And then there was one of the many moments when he was just breathing in the speakers as he woke up at that doctor's office.

    Good God what a wonderful movie this is.

    1. I know, Mrs. Two Dollar Cinema is quite the rebel. I mean, how could she not be sexually attracted to a dying mutant? What the Hell is HER problem?

      I'm assuming you'd hire him under the impression that he'd take you somewhere. Literally take you some where, that is. But little would he know...

      Thank you for digging the review, that means a lot. I also don't know why his shirt had to come off there (when for the rest of the film, he'd where it with bits of human flesh and gallons of blood soaked in it), but whatever. I get as jacked as Jackman, it'll be all I can do to wear pants, let alone a muscle shirt.

      I took a lot of notes, but I don't recall the shovel bit at all. I'd ask my wife, but who knows what anti-Hugh road that may lead us down.

      Honestly, I loved this movie so much. It wasn't me was everything to me.

    2. I mean my God I just wanted to tend to his wounds and feed him strawberries. I was so distracted watching this movie it's a miracle I remember more from it than relatively sane person - the shovel bit was right after the funeral when he took out the shovel and started hitting the car with it and Laura was looking at him. He then woke up at the doctor's office and we were treated to that extreme close up of his face and that's when the chair started was past the point of saving.

      I'm pretty sure he already has trouble wearying pants. Must be really uncomfortable.

      Now you need to see Eddie the Eagle!

    3. Do strawberries contain a magical elixir? I'm rather puzzled at this interest in feeding Logan berries. At least you don't want to slowly give him a banana.

      Ok, now I remember the shovel bit! I think I was still recovering from what had happened before.

      (yes, yes...the doctor's office...goodness, girl)

      God bless him for at least trying to wear pants. What a trooper he must be.

      I'M ON IT!! (just gotta see Passengers first...heh heh)

    4. Strawberries are sexy food are they not? :D That's what they taught us in Pretty Woman!

      God man, how could you watch it first...I hope it was a trash fire it looks to be

    5. The only lesson I recall from Pretty Woman is that long white gloves on a woman are super sexy. Oh, and to treat hookers like people. wasn't that bad. I actually really liked the...idea.

  3. That was a strong ass fence, built by Wolverine himself I assume. :D

    Oh man, reading about this movie always brings me back to the movie and then the tears start to form.. it's like I can't think about it without feeling emotionally wrecked.. this damn movie needs to get all the awards!!!

    1. it makes sense. Logan build it with his adamantium-infused beard shavings. Made it impenetrable.

      I really want to see it again. It would be a super-mega bonus if it got any awards love, but it's going to be sooooo far in the rear-view by then....I would be shocked. Stoked, but shocked.