Friday, July 7, 2017

For my world to live...yours must die.

If I had a towel, I'd throw it in. Or, if it was white, I'd affix it to a broom handle, and wave that friggin' thing with everything I've got.

At this point, my hands are up, and I'm going to lay on the floor, slowly, with my head down and unequivocally surrender. I'll even lay my wallet out next to me, but, you know, you already got my money.

But before you finish me off, please, please! 

Let my boy go.

After the relative goodwill leftover from seeing Age of Extinction [review] a few days ago, my son and I headed to Transformers: The Last Knight. We were all caught up with Cade Yeager and the Dinobots, so despite the overwhelmingly negative reviews, we were ready. And dare I say...excited?

Welp, so much for that. Maybe had I waited three years for the dust to settle (like we did with Extinction) things would have gone differently, but I will officially go on the record by saying this is a joyless, lifeless, brainless, steaming robotic turd of a movie. It transformed me from a functional person to a bag of human waste. And worse? It couldn't even destroy me quickly, you know? 

It took almost two and half hours to do it.

But that's the 1.0 version that was destroyed. m.brown 2.0 (aka my son, Matthew) loved it.

That (sadly) said, I'm (sadly) gonna give the plot a shot. If it kills me, well, I've had a good run. And - added bonus - I'll be dead for the sixth one.

People still hate the Transformers. Yep. And not because Michael Bay has dedicated just under twelve cinematic hours to their portrayal, but because they keep trying to save Earth. I mean, at this point, clearly we don't deserve oxygen. Anyway, as far as I can figure, no one gives a good God damn about the space robots, outside of a pretty orphaned girl named Izabella and Cade Yeager, Mark Wahlberg's character from the first one. Where Cade was once just a regular dude trying to save his farm, when we meet him, he's basically Dog the Autobot Hunter - minus the super rad/lame shades and Costco-sized jug of pepper spray. But instead of cuffing them and giving them a cigarette, Cade's rescuing the wayward bots and bringing them back to his junkyard. Uh, okay.

I guess that makes sense.


Well, it did. But then we find out that the Transformers have been on Earth since the Knights of the Round Table and once turned into a three-headed dragon. Uh, cool. I guess.

Mark Wahlberg went to SuperCuts and asked for the O.G. Robert Langdon.
And got it.
Now, sixteen-hundred years later, their dead-ass planet, Cybertron, is on a collision course with, no surprise here, your anus. Sort of, anyway...if you think about it. Anyway, its goal, to suck Earth off like the most desperate hooker in the known universe. Merlin's staff is the key to all of this, and apparently that old bastard has one descendant alive on the planet...and it's a really hot British chick. And she's the only one who can, uh, handle his staff.

Seriously.

Those are satellite images of the bags of money Hopkins got for destroying the ninth page of his resume.
But what is a total joke, are the Yays and Boos. Matty and I are seeing Homecoming fourteen hours from now, and even if it somehow ends up being two hours of grainy footage of a naked old man shooting webs from his crotch, I'm convinced it will be light years more enjoyable than The Last Knight.

It doesn't make sense...
...but, uh, I still think it looks rad as f--k.
Yaaaaaaa...
...aaaaaaay!

  • I don't know if this is a thing, but the incorporation of the Paramount logo into the opening action scene was badass.
  • This movie is so incomprehensible, my son actually turned to me and said, Wait...is this Transformers?
  • Stanley Tucci is back. For one minute. 
  • Tony Hale is always welcome. Even if Selena Meyer would f--king annhilate him for being in this shit show.
  • Bumblebee is the only character that I've actually grown to not hate. Here, he drops two pretty sweet moves: the separation okie-doke, and the half-transformation. Not sure which was cooler.
  • Should we cheer that Josh Duhamel is back? Or should we cry? I'm leaning toward the former...
  • Okay, so the British version of Megan Fox is pretty hot. I didn't catch her name, but I'm going with Curator Spice. She knows the way to the staff! (this was shouted without snickering)
  • Look, he truly is the f--king worst, but I have to put my hands together for Sir Anthony Hopkins. Have to. He's either out of money, out of f--ks, or both, but even though I cringed at 99% of what he did and/or said, that's Hannibal Lecter for f--k's sake. Respect.
  • Shit, was that Buscemi? And he basically reunites with Goodman? Well, shit. Can't Boo that.
  • You know that trailer line that becomes like, the soundtrack of your summer. For me it's this: I wanna stay...and I want to fight them.
  • I know I'm kind of burying the lead here, but no matter what, no matter how bad it gets, there's something inherently cool about robots fighting each other with swords. And dinosaurs. 
  • Same goes for dogfights with jet fighters and robot dragons. F--k you, okay? What do you want from me? Even if I'm a grown dickhead, it doesn't mean I wasn't once a little a-hole.
  • For some reason, some French Autobot can stop time by, uh, announcing it. Dumb as shit? Yes. Cool as shit? Also yes.
  • And finally, John Turturro, surviving this trainwreck with out a scratch on him. This dude plays the role of the crazy a-hole perfectly, and reads his stupid lines brilliantly. And, as I've just realized, is yet another member of The Big Lebowski to appear in this film, one way or another. If I find out Bridges in this shit, I'm gonna spill my White Russian all over myself.
You are looking at the worst thing in a terrible movie.
Try not to throw your phone directly into the face of the person closest to you
.
Booooooooo...
...oooooooooo!
  • What the Hell? They showed the trailer for Dunkirk four times. 
  • Oh, and speaking of the beginning, the projector didn't come on. You know who had to say something? Let me rephrase that: You know who had to say something.
  • Optimus ends part Extinction droning on about his great quest to find his maker. When we see him? This asshole is twirling through space like a giant, frozen dildo.
  • Those sentinel things are pretty cool. In fact, I loved them. When they were called ED-209 in Robocop.
  • Outside of Han and Chewy, or Rocket and Groot, I'm sick of these damn people speaking some other alien language like it ain't no thang. This chick is like, 13. And she speaks inbred machine?
  • They find an Autobot who has crash landed onto Earth. He's out of breath. And takes off his oxygen mask...so he can breathe easier. The robot does this. THE ROBOT.
  • Without exaggeration, at least three-quarters of all spoken lines have the words shit, ass or bitch in them. I'd like to kick the ass of the bitch that wrote this shit, you know?
  • Megatron has to sit down. What, because he's tired? The Hell is going on around here?
  • Curator Spice tells some eager grad students that the legend of King Arthur is horseshit. Man, Guy Ritchie can't catch a break. 
  • I will always love John Goodman. Mostly.
  • Bay basically rips his own Con Air off by having a little highlight reel of the worst of the worst of incarcerated Decepticons and all their wacky personalities. But these guys are so lame, it made me long for the rapists and murderers of that 1997 classic. Yeah, you heard me: classic.
  • Bumblebee finally gets his voice and it's pretty f--king stupid. Think Marthaaaaaaaa? but worse. Way worse.
  • That abandoned city kept getting bigger and bigger as the movie went on. Just like the pain in chest, actually.
  • This is the watch that killed Hitler! Cool story, bro. Can I borrow it?
  • You might remember that I liked Mark Wahlberg in the first one. This time? F--k no. He's a total dickhead. And trust me, I know total dickheads.
  • I'm not sure if this is really a Boo, but at one point, Bumblebee rides a submarine underwater. I felt like someone in the production brought in one of their kid's drawings as a joke and everyone went, F--k it, why not? And then they drank Bud Lights and continued ironing their American flags.
  • There is no time for kissing when the fate of the world is in play. I'm sorry, but no. Imagine all of humanity is sitting around getting circle-jerked in Hell when the guilty couple admits, Yeah, that was our bad. We thought we had time.
  • When she finally touches the staff, a golden opportunity was missed. The film should have stopped. A record should have scratched. The screen should have faded. And then? Then. YOU GOT THE TOUCH. YOU GOT THE POWER! 
  • And finally, this: That movie was soooo good. I loved it!
Dammit. 

That's fine, son. Really. I'm happy that you're happy.

But...well...your mother's gonna have to take you to the sixth one.

Cause like this post? I've been doing this for too long. Me?


I'm done.

10 comments:

  1. God I wish I knew the way to the staff.

    I was so totally sure the last one I read was for this one I wasnt shocked or anything to read quite positive review for universally hated movie here lol

    Good God the Spiderman visual, man. I am sitting here daydreaming about rewatching Prestige in the evening and then I read this. That calmed my perving for like whole minute

    4 times for Dunkirk trailer? Jesus those ambient drums there or whatever the fuck can hypnotize with that much repetition

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Step outside. Look at a guy. Staff problem solved.

      Ha. Ha. HA. Are you implying that I like shit that no one else does? Cause that's...totally f--king possible.

      Yeah, I just reread that line myself. Gross. It actually reminds me of something I saw in the gym today. But more on that when one of us is older.

      It was a super strange strategy. Four different mini trailers...with other trailers in between. Maybe they think the Transformers crowd is likely full of morons, and had to cook up something different?

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  2. I doubt I’ll ever see this movie, and it being a “joyless, lifeless, brainless, steaming robotic turd of a movie” are enough reasons why haha.

    And your no kissing, circle jerk in Hell Boooo was fucking priceless. Laughed out loud.

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    Replies
    1. I like how you went 'doubt', AW. Like you could have said no f--king way, but you left the door open. I appreciate that.

      Dude, my wife won't kiss me when we've got all the time in the world, but these f--king guys suck face when humanity is on the clock? That shit's absurd. I'm gonna be extra pissed in Hell when it inevitably happens.

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  3. I liked the first one. That's about it. :D

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    1. When I first saw it, I remember thinking it was kinda dumb. But when I catch a couple of minutes on TV, it's totally charming...and has lots of Megan Fox ass shots. Like, awww, Transformers, you shouldn't have!

      And after the fifth one? Holy shit. The first one is basically Citizen Kane with bonus talking robots.

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  4. Yup, all the more reason I'm dreading the day my wife says "Let's the new Transformers."

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    Replies
    1. You can pencil me in for liking the fourth one...enough. But this latest one? I just wanted it to stop. And by it, I mean EVERYTHING. It's so long and just....so f--king stupid.

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    2. Here's to another 10 years of The Marvel Cinematic Universe.

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    3. Hahahaha...totally agree. Give me another decade of the MCU. Even if I'll probably be dead by then.

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