Monday, July 3, 2017

Love is cold.

Let be clear when I tell you...I'm no f--king hero.

I've never rushed into a burning building. Never lifted a car off a pinned kid. Shit, I'm not even that guy that stoically goes to work everyday and puts in an honest eight (I bitch half the time I'm there and call out like a motherf--ker. A sick motherf--ker).

But when I hear a film is an epic disaster? When I read that the ninety-minute runtime will crush your f--king soul? When I feel it's going to be absolutely back-breaking to finish some utter piece of dogshit? Hell, when I know all that?

I'm your Huckleberry. 

See, only a sick motherf--ker, in the face of all the unseen quality films of the world, would willingly rent something called The Dark Below from Redbox. But being the absolute f--king hero that I am, when I saw this...

'NOTE TO RENTERS: There is no dialogue in this film'

...I threw myself on that grenade. Dick first.

While they had me at no words, the premise is even more deliciously terrible, assuming that's not only possible, but those are words that should be adjacent to one another.

So, the plot? Uh, Woman is drugged by Man. Man places her in a wet suit, weighs her down, and sinks her ass about seven feet below the frozen surface of a lake. No, really. You read those words correctly. You're not f--king mental.

Woman will come to, try to crawl out of a giant ice hole, and inadvertently alert man that she's no longer sort-of drowning. Man will show up angrily and Woman will slip back under the ice. Rinse and repeat (always repeat), and feel free to go f--k yourself for renting this film.

Why does this remind me of a Alanis Morrisette video?

Okay, there's more than that...but not much more. The whole thing, while bordering on intermittently creative, feels like a student-film entry into a Norwegian Amateur Film Festival. Seriously. Imagine any awful porn scene you've ever accidentally watched with the lights off, the sound on 1, and with your pants on the other side of the room. Back it up before all the grunting, all the cavernous genitals, any possible thing that might stimulate your lobes or your lap, and focus on those two or three minutes where the 'actors' are speaking to one another fully-clothed. Remove the dialogue, and you're getting close to what comprises 99% of The Dark Below. 

And I watched every f--king minute of it. Happily?

Speaking of shit that simply doesn't add up, here are the Yays and Boos for director Douglas Schulze's latest. It blows my mind that there are more words in this sentence than in the entire film, but that's the kind of shit that impresses f--king morons.

Why does this remind me of a Bjork video?

  • There's this one shot of her under the ice (from above) that's actually pretty f--king cool. I don't think it makes sense, and it's used waaaaay too often, but it's rad regardless.
  • Wait, what? His dive class was only full of moderately hot bitches? Can being 'relatively sexy' be a prerequisite for a course? 
  • Man, if you love newspaper headlines that explain exactly what the f--k we need to know, then BLOGGER GUY HAS A FILM FOR YOU.
  • My mother-in-law is only slowly killing me. This chick's mom? She's doing that shit in a hurry.
  • Oh, and bonus points are awarded for the aforementioned M.I.L finding a box of ears? Noses? Hooves? Look, I don't know what the f--k that shit was, but being that it wasn't a static shot of a lady under water, the handful of bloody chunks was the equivalent of Halle Berry's tits in Swordfish. Yeah, I'm not sure I really want to see those, but I've got a boner regardless.
  • Speaking of weird shit I didn't know I wanted to see, I saw a woman's finger break off and float away. 
  • At one point, Man has had enough of this not dying bullshit and he decides to murder a woman like a man, and use a shotgun for f--k's sake. Jokes on him though, as she disarms his dumb ass the same way I get my wife to stop talking to me at a pool party: she splashes him in the face. But then, cementing the Yay, he drops the gun and she catches it like a motherf--king boss and shoots him...not in the face. 
  • And finally, all stinky bullshit aside, there's a pretty rad shot near the end when Man essentially comes back from the dead. It's quiet (no shit) and creepy as f--k. Meaning, it's super well-done.
Why does this remind me of a TOOL video?
  • Hate to break it to you, but apparently, no dialogue means four actual words. So using this math...I've scratched my balls...three hundred and ninety-two times today. 
  • He takes her pants put her into a wet kill her. Um, right.
  • Everything is painfully methodical. Painfully. If motherf--kers just did shit in real time? This movie would be eight minutes long. Oh, and 73% of this film takes place in slo-motion. If only I were kidding.
  • I'm pretty sure there's a time when he's holding her head under the water while she's hooked up to an oxygen tank. That's like stabbing someone in the balls while going down on them. Okay, it's not like that at all, but still.
  • Straight up, his plan? Sit inside like a p-ssy while she dies. Like, even if it takes days.
  • There is so much heavy breathing in the soundtrack, for a minute there I thought I was watching all those clips of the women I film in the park eating their lunches. 
  • At one point Woman is shown as being with child. One second later? That child is nine years old.
  • Man is caught casually drowning someone. Well, not exactly caught, more like looked at disapprovingly.
  • Imagine you've been trapped in freezing-cold water and are totally near death. Imagine that you finally get out of that water and someone shows up, wanting to kill you. Going back into the water seems kind of retarded, right?
  • Holy shit do I hate when I have to learn something from looking at a little kid's psychotic drawings? Like, has anything important ever been written with f--king crayons? Other than my college diploma, that is.
  • I feel like if I found four MISSING posters under my daughter's bed, it might raise an eyebrow or two. Maybe that's just me...
  • You go to an ice-hole where you've just dropped a woman in. She's gone. Near the ice-hole, is a woman-sized tarp. Should you check that tarp, even if there's no way she could be in it? Nah. The surrounding area seems way more logical. I mean, she's cold and basically frozen to death. It makes zero sense that she'd be wrapped up tightly, two-feet from the ice-hole. 
  • This is actually a Yay, but Man, in what could be best described as a hissy fit, begins to shoot the ice wildly in a circular fashion. The ice he's currently standing on.
  • Good thing that knife was in the ice!
  • And finally, if there are three characters that we care about, and all are presumed dead at some point, but none of them actually die, does that mean we should feel happy or sad? Oh, right. I know this one. The answer is stupid. We should feel stupid.

Maybe I'm not such a hero after all. I mean, is it really all that heroic to watch a stupid f--king movie and write a stupid f--king post about it? No, no it isn't.

But, what about reading that stupid f--king post about that stupid f--king movie? That shit's gotta be worth something, right?

No, no it isn't.

But I still totally worship you.


  1. "the same way I get my wife to stop talking to me: she splashes him in the face. " wait what?!I suddenly I think that stabbing balls part may be based on experience there

    Granted I am still a bit drunk but wow that paragraph about porn is some serious poetry. Also again - how do you find these films? And why do you watch them? And hiw did anyone come up with this movie? Too many questions.

    1. I had to update that line a little bit. If there is ever a way to piss my wife off (inadvertently, I promise), it's by splashing her in the face. I'm getting the silent treatment for at least an hour...depending on the severity of the splashing.

      I'm not drunk, but I agree. Pure poetry.

      Your questions, answered.
      1) I don't know. A sad gift, perhaps?
      2) I really don't know. Poor life decisions?
      3) No idea. Hopefully not based on something that actually happened.

  2. I dunno, from the sounds of it, watching this might be heroic...or sadistic. I'm not sure which. And yes, that section about porn...epic. And just to be in the spirit of this movie, I typed 73% of this comment in slo-mo.

    1. This whole site is about pain, so the sadism angle is totally in play. I'm just not sure who's being hurt...

      Honestly, if you typed this response at the speed this movie plays out must have started typing it in 1996. Impressive work.

      Oh, and that porn stuff? That's all speculation. I know nothing about any of that. *door slams, tires screech*

  3. omg this review is golden. It's strange how a premise can sound both somewhat interesting and absolutely unbearable at the same time.

    1. Hahahaha...thanks. I'm with you entirely, as this premise (and the promise of no dialogue [liars]) totally had my spider-sense tingling. Danger was afoot.

      Someone smart would run the other way. But me? I pretty much had to stay and fight. Er, watch.