Tuesday, July 4, 2017

I'm asking you to look at all the junk and see the treasure.

Outside of a giant f--king clue, I didn't know what to get you. So instead, I decided to write this post as my gift to you on your special day. Now, now...don't be upset. I know you don't like to read, okay? I'll keep it quick. Promise.

Besides, these words? They're all about your favorite things.

Fast cars. 
Young girls in tight clothes. 
Robot dinosaurs. 
Mark f--king Wahlberg!

So cheer up, dammit. America, let's make this the best 241st birthday ever!

After running across the trailer for this summer's entry in what could be considered the most inexplicable film franchise in the history of cinema, I promised my son we'd take a look at 2014's Transformers: Age of Extinction. He's an incredibly easy-going, almost eight year-old boy, and therefore the owner of the most ideal set of eyes to watch the fourth talking robot movie. And while I shouldn't have liked this movie in the least, with that dude next to me? I simply couldn't help myself.

Kinda-sorta, the premise is cool. See, after the events of the third flick [review], it seems ol' Earth ain't taking too kindly to the giant talking space robots no more. In fact, those dang ol' machines is being hunted down and sold to the government for research and the like. Someone smarter might say this an allegory for the full-on death of knowledge and understanding in contemporary society. Me? I reckon we gotta keep 'Merica safe. Ain't no one got time for talking when there's explosions to be had.

Cue Mark Wahlberg as Cade Yeager, your typical single-dad farmer-type, who, when he's not drinking domestic beers in the back of his Chevy, or adjusting one of the many American flags hanging around his property, is out back inventing robots. Yessir, I did in fact say inventing robots. And that ain't a euphemism for beatin' the meat, ya hear? I mean that in a very literal sense.
Welp, Mr. Yeager, after inspecting the movie theater he plans on purchasing (Wait, what? [I'm really not sure whether I missed something or that this is truly part of the movie]), discovers an old semi buried among the seats and decides to haul it home and give a look under the hood. And wouldn't you know it? That gosh darn truck is daggum Tranformer! And not one of the little bitch ones either, but motherf--king Optimus Prime hisself. Hoo-weee. Ain't that something!

What's weird, is that they're totally running in the order I would make-out with them in.
Anyway, the feds show up and want to shoot Prime in his metal dick, but Yeager and his fine-ass daughter fend them off and the flee to a little town called Hugivesashit. From there, it's about one hundred and twenty minutes of bad dialogue and great action. Oh, and a giant motherf--king robot, rides an even gianter robot motherf--king dinosaur into battle! So, yeah. Boners for everyone!

Speaking of things that make the world worse, here are the Yays and Boos for Transfomers: Age of Extinction. By the time you have (foolishly) read all of these words, my son and I will have likely conquered the latest Michael Bay robot jamboree. Which begs the question, what are we doing with our lives?

Prior to discovering sex...
...this is exactly what I was imagining at all times.

  • I don't care what no books say, from now on? It was robots that done wiped out the dinosaurs.
  • Mark Wahlberg looks as jacked (and earnest) as ever. Oh, and bonus points for the fact that Sexy Young Chick is his daughter, not his girlfriend (I'm looking at you, Mr. Cruise).
  • I think when Mark Wahlberg said the line 'One day, I'm gonna build something that matters' they probably had to take fifteen because Michael Bay 'got something in his eye'.
  • My face is my warrant! Probably the best worst line ever.
  • Dude, for a giant robot, Optimus Prime can barrel roll like a motherf--ker. Which is weird that this is his go-to move to avoid getting hit, when, you know, he can fly like a motherf--ker. 
  • Slumming it or not, Stanley Tucci is f--king awesome. Always.
  • Um, Bumblebee uses a Walter Sobchak quote to say how he really feels. It's like we're brothers or something.
  • That overpass slo-mo toss was amazing. But to be honest, I pretty much shat my pants any time a robot did something cool in slo-motion. To wife: Yeah, you might want to go ahead and burn those. (And our marriage certificate)
  • I don't remember her at the moment, but I drew lots of hearts around Elevator Girl in my notes, so it's fair to say she was super hot, or I was super desperate. Or, you know, both.
  • The heavyweight Prime vs. Lockdown fight was totally appreciated. Actually, as far as one-note bad buys from mysterious robot planets are concerned, let me note my boner for all things Lockdown here. 
  • If I ever get the chance to stab someone through the chest from behind with a giant metallic sword, I'm definitely going to opt for an Optimus. Meaning, instead of pulling out, I'm swiping up. Hmm. When I think about it, this seems like solid advice for non-murder situations as well.
  • And finally, speaking of finishing moves, how about the awesomeness of Prime's final words on Earth? He drops some wicked fortune-cookie, Philosophy 201-related wisdom/bullshit and immediatley blasts the f--k off into space. It's equal parts exhilarating and incomprehensible. Or, in other words, for this franchise, totally f--king perfect.
There's so much wrong with this...it just feels right.

  • Hey, T.J. Miller, the phone's for you. It's someone named...Pauly Shore. *whispers* He sounds totally pissed. 
  • Dr. Fraiser Crane is such a dick in his later years.
  • Outside of like, I don't know, the atomic bomb, fidget spinners, or like, hemorrhoids, Yeager's robot-dog thing may quite honestly be the worst invention of all time. Somebody put that f--ker down.
  • An angry Optimus Prime 'bumps into' Miller's character, Chuckles McGee (that may not be his name). Anyway, ol' Chuckles? After being hit by a nineteen foot space robot? He doesn't do the one thing he should do: Die.
  • Oh, and speaking of, why are Transformers regular-sized cars and trucks but GIANT F--KING ROBOTS? What makes them so big? The crushed dreams of kids born in the eighties?
  • Wait. Optimus, the aforementioned GFR, was hiding under a tarp? Really?
  • Good God, the ramp. The f--king ramp. Does Tony Hawk work at that abandoned factory? 
  • Lucky Charms. You sir, are the worst. Though, there may exist a little bit of jealously in my ire for this Irishman.
  • Why do the Transfomers have accents? My brain had all sorts of problem with Samurai Helicopter Guy and his awful chop-socky nonsense. John Goodman's gruffness was also retarded, but my main beef with him is his liberal use of the term ass. Have you no manners directive?
  • I used to think Unobtanium was the dumbest name for a metal ever, but then I heard about Transformium. Frankly, I don't care which is worse, as long as I can just enough of either...to make a single bullet.
  • That one little Transformer was impossibly f--king annoying. I think his name is Expositron. Or, Bad Scripticus. I might have missed it during all the 'plosions.
  • Okay, for real, there was a point where me and the boy looked at each other and said, Where are the f--king Dinobots already? Okay, that might have been just me. Despite what you're reading, I'm not a (super) terrible father. Just like, (far) below average. 
  • There's an Oreo Transformer. I repeat. There is an Oreo Transformer. 
  • Those snail things? Unbelievably awful. I was so mad, I wanted to punch an actual snail in the face. You know, assuming they have faces. To punch.
  • I hate when parents play the Because I'm your parent card in the midst of a f--king crisis. Bullshit Movie Arguing is bad enough, but when the world is exploding? Just no. 
  • Go find my seed. Ugh, gross.
  • Was anybody impressed when Stucci's character dropped an f-bomb? Anybody?
  • Prime riding a giant fire-breathing dinosaur? We've already established its awesomeness. But his taming if these majestical beasts? Decidedly not awesome.
  • Uh, Yeager's pretty good with that space gun, no?
  • And finally, this movie simply wasn't as bad as I needed it to be. Had it been terrible, I wouldn't be planning on seeing (or having already seen) The Last Night. And you know who I blame? That handsome dick Dirk Diggler Mark Wahlberg. Dammit, do I love that guy.
Damn, girl. That went on a little longer than I expected. But when I start thinking about you America, I can't help myself.

Typically, I don't really find myself all that into older women, but there's something special about you girl. The way you love dumb shit. Like, really dumb shit. Shit that goes on way too long and is utterly pointless and shouldn't exist in a civilized world. Oh, no...I gots somethin' in my eye again. Hey, I got an idea!

Let's blow some shit up!

Happy Fourth of July, y'all! 


  1. I only saw 2 of those with Shia and they were quite fun. But man is it sad seeing all those actors who are so much better than this having to do those films to earn money. Hopkins is not only in this but he is actually out there praising Bay as a great director. The fuck, sir Tony.

    1. IF you liked (or at least enjoyed) TWO of the Shia flicks, than I would bet good money that you could at least make it through this one, stupid as it might be. I think the first one was bearable, but after that....*puts gun in mouth*

      I don't know what it is with these legit ass actors signing up for these flicks, but yeah, Bay somehow reels them in. Tucci is way better than this...but at least seems to be having fun.

      Hopkins...that's another story.

  2. This was a fun enough review that you almost had me thinking about watching this again. Almost. I'm already dreading the day I'm going to have to watch the new one because the rest of the fam is into this franchise. Sigh.

    1. Thanks, Dell.

      I probably shouldn't my encourage my son to watch/like these movies, so I know I'm not ever really going to be done with this damn franchise.

      Maybe I could get my wife into them??