Thursday, November 2, 2017

Everyone was warned...but no one listened.

There are many great mysteries in life. Why are we here? What is our purpose? Who is responsible for all of this?

Sometimes, these questions overwhelm me - freak me out a bit. So I go to the movies to escape the infinite emptiness of life (and have some popcorn, let's be honest). But when I sit down...the questions? ...They return.

Why am I here? What's the point of all this? And most pressing...


In the case of my latest trip to the cinema, it's quite clear the butler did it. Yes friends, our old pal Leonidas, Mr. Gerard Butler himself, has again given  us the ol' One Two straight in the greasy dick of good taste, by starring in the 120 million dollar shit-fest, Geostorm. I've always assumed I'd be bummed out by the end of the world, but if nuclear death means I'm unable to see the next great/totally shitty disaster film, sign me up. Somebody grab Little Rocketman by the p-ssy, asap.

Actually, for about three, maybe four seconds, Geostorm was kinda cool. See, in the near future, the world's climate has gone to Hell and major storms have killed countless f--kers. A team of scientists, whatever those are, creates a massive system of satellites capable of neutralizing any weather-related threat. Say a major hurricane is forming directly over your house. Well, whatever the perfect conditions are for that f--ker, these satellites, known for some reason as Dutchboy (the finger in the dyke kid, if I recall correctly), beam down the opposite requirement, immediately negating the shit-storm that was about to ensue. And since this system was a joint effort of many nations, it seems the world has found itself...relatively peaceful. The only real titty-twister apparently, is who gets control of Dutchboy next. The USA was steering the ship...but in just a short time, it's time to pass the Dutchie on the left hand side, know what I'm saying? 

Yeah. Me neither.

You might feel bad for that frozen dude. Me?
I felt jealous.
This movie sucks. But not enough to be good. It It's not very exciting. The characters are about as one-note as you could ever imagine. There's no flying cows, no Tommy Lee Jones, no The Rock kicking The Ass. But most offensive? The whole Geostorm thing is criminally underused. Oh, we see snippets of world-ending chaos, but it's so choppy and uninspired, that you're likely to forget whatever the Hell happened while it's happening. 

But here's the rub.

This was the first non-superhero or non-animated film I've ever taken my son to. I think. And this goofball, all eight years of him, absolutely loved it. He was on the edge of his seat 90% of the time, totally caught up in what his still-evolving brain understood to be tension. He's never seen a disaster movie. Ever. All that shit that we know by heart? (like, will that random kid suffering through that random disaster in that random country ever get his dog back?) It floored him. He actually thought one of the main characters was dead at one point! Dude, just give it ten seconds. He'll triumphantly return, trust me.

I swear I haven't seen this dude since Across the Universe...
Under normal circumstances, I'm sure I'd be gloriously pissing all over this dumpster fire, but with my kid next to me, I have to admit, I had a good time. With that said, here are the Yays and Boos.

This is...NASA.
  • I think my son may have shat himself, out of delight, with the Pacific Rim 2 trailer.
  • Typically, I'm furious when there's a satellite malfunction...and I's a can't watch muh stories on the ol' tube. But here? Said malfunction instantly freezes 300 people in place. Uh, that's awesome.
  • I'm not even sure what those underground fire tornadoes even heard me, right? The part when I just said underground fire tornadoes? I know, right??!!
  • Um, Secret Service Lady was kind of hot, you know? Sure, she'll playfully bite your...finger...which is a plus, and she can change faster than Superman for an unexpected job interview, also good...but I don't know...I kind of liked the buttoned-up gruffness of this lady. Is that weird? 
  • YOU GUYS. The bad guy has a scar on his face! Suck on that, innovation.
  • Apparently, the Hong Kong satellite is like my wife on weekdays. Don't touch it...don't even try to touch it. Bad things will happen.
  • It's so completely stupid...but that Brother Code Thing was the right kind of ridiculous. Props to a computer program sophisticated enough to quickly play every ninth word of a recording.
  • It was in the trailer, but I was still kind of stoked to see a giant, frozen airplane silently fall out of the sky. Even better? The little frozen birds that forshadowed it.
  • I swear to you, President Andy Garcia teleports at one point. Uh, how did you get here, sir? His response? Because I'm the GODDAMN PRESIDENT. Man, I was so pumped! Why? Because I'm a GODDAMN MORON.
  • Hey, Margaret. Remember that silly Ed Harris face from Westworld? Pretty sure he cranks that shit to eleven here.
  • Speaking of faces, there's a healthy amount of face punches.
  • And finally, as I've mentioned, my son's enthusiasm. He looked over at me, probably...a half-dozen times, on absolute awe. Butler risks his life? Dad, this guy is pretty brave (and he isn't being a sarcastic prick!). And as we were walking out...I think he could sense how I felt about it. Dad, that was not a bad movie. Remember, son. The internet is forever.
Even super-edgey cool-kids have a coffee mug full of pencils at their desk.
(shouldn't it be a skull or something? An avocado?)
  • I also think my son may have shat himself, out of terror, at the Red Sparrow trailer.
  • Two million people died in one day? Was this the day after the Presidential election by chance?
  • I love Ed Harris. I do. Leave this one off the res, good sir.
  • Dear God, Jake's house made me want to burn my own down. I mean, really? Could it be more science-y? Half-completed engines in the yard? Check. Various panels? You betcha. General disarray, flux capacitors? 10-4, good buddy.
  • Butler and Jim Sturgess play brothers. Fine. American brothers. Wait, what the shit??
  • What's with the cat in the fridge? Are you telling me that pussy knew what was coming?
  • Butler needs to get to space, so naturally, they launch him up there in a giant-ass rocket. Him. One guy. On a giant f--king rocket.
  • And when he gets to the space station? Holy cannoli, they are the worst group of international a-holes ever assembled. 
  • As much as I hate end-of-the-world romance, it turns out brotherly squabbling is infinitely worse. I mean, making out when the world is going to end is for your (final?) boner. But these two fighting? They're just dicks.
  • Oh, and apparently their parents died when they were kids. Cause of death: expository information.
  • Hacker Girl is the worst. From the outfit, to the well, just about everything, I hate this character (in all movies) more than anything. Is anyone who knows how to use a computer not a f--king asshole? 
  • That dude has been waiting in that locker room...for what must be an uncomfortable amount. No world-ending conspiracy is worth seeing all those man-berries flopping about.
  • So...when lightening strikes a Really? I gotta ask Doc Brown about that one.
  • The whole space station has a built-in self-destruct...for safety. Okay, that kind of makes sense. Until you realize it takes like, 900 hours for it to finally detonate.
  • And finally, all would have been forgiven had lots of cities been devastated by bad-ass storms, you know? But what we actually got was so lackluster, it's infuriating. Imagine watching a Friday the 13th movie where Jason just shoves everyone. Or an adult film where everyone vigorously makes out. I have two words for this: Un. Acceptable.
It would seem that my son enjoys a good disaster movie, so I'm pretty sure it's my responsibility to show him a great one. You know, an end-of-the-world flick that will make him appreciate not only the genre, but maybe his old man, too. One featuring a really brave guy who gives it all up to save the world...

You know what I'm thinking, right? Would that be too intense? 

I mean, once you go full-Harry Stamper, there's no turning back. And he'll probably never eat another animal cracker ever again.

Or, be like me, and eat even more.


  1. Awwwww so glad Matty had fun! I am definitely seeing this one it looks too ridicilous not to. Did u also see Snowman? Are u guys psyched for Justice League? After all u took him to not at all scary for kids BvS :D

    1. Yeah, I gotta stop taking him to the movies with me...because it's turning me soft. He really had a good time though, and now every time it rains one of us mentions a 'geostorm' and we end up laughing and/or rolling our eyes.

      I didn't see the Snowman! I really wanted to, but I'm thinking Thor may have driven it out of the theater by now. I actually went two weeks without a trip to the cinema...totally slacking.

      Oh, he is WAY ready for Justice League. And to your point...yes. If he could handle BvS at 6...I think he'll be down for some JL at 8. Unless Wonder Woman takes her clothes off...that could be a problem.

      For me.

  2. I'm glad your little guy liked this. I thought the trailer looked ridiculous. I'm pretty sure the weather was chasing them in one scene. I'll pass lol.

    1. Oh, yes. They RUN from weather. It used to make me die inside when this would happen (The Day After Tomorrow, anyone?), but here, I just kind of laughed along. But, my kid? Totally hooked.

      You're going to pass on this? Whuuuuuuuuuuut? I'm shocked!

  3. Butler and Jim Sturgess play brothers. Fine. American brothers. Wait, what the shit?? - that's some great casting! I wonder if they ever looked at each other after the scene and think, wonderful work I'm doing here.. just great.

    I loved 90's disaster movies! I was a huge fan of Dante's Peak and I thought is was amazing! I highly doubt Geostorm is that good.

    1. I'm pretty sure they exchange that look on camera, during the actual movie.

      Dante's Peak? Yes, please. That I remember being a good time (I'm recalling something about grandma crawling through fire? Anyone?).

      Geostorm probably isn't any worse than those 90s movies...but it's not the 90s anymore. Even if I wish it were.

      Every day.

  4. "There's no flying cows, no Tommy Lee Jones, no The Rock kicking The Ass." Enough said. If a disaster flick doesn't have a least one of these things, I can't do it.

    Haha but seriously, great read here, made me laugh my ass off.

    1. This is what I'm saying, AW. You gotta respect the rules.

      Thanks, man. Always classes up the joint when you stop by.

  5. "This movie sucks but not enough to be good." Ha ha! This must be a real shit-fest. I'll definitely pass.

    "...WHO THE F--K IS RESPONSIBLE FOR ALL THIS?" is what I ask myself every time I read national news. Though we had a good election day (at least from my perspective) here in Virginia yesterday, so I'm trying to take a break from finding everything absolutely least for a few days.

    1. I'm having the worst year of my life...professionally, and I ask myself the same question every day. The worst part? As the only adult in the room...I think I know the answer. And that makes a bad day even worse.

      Good for Virginia having a good election day. I'm afraid ol' Pennsylvania is largely responsible for the mess we've found ourselves in.

  6. Man, to be 8 again and have everything in movies feel new. Good for him having fun with this. This old fart? I'll eventually see it because my wife will make me. It's on her radar. It's only a matter of time before she says to me "What's the name of that movie about the big storms...yeah, let's watch that."

    Anyhoo, love the Back to the Future references. And I really loved the reference to "Pass the Dutchie." I used to play the shit out of that song.

    1. 8 would be awesome, but I'd likely opt for 18 if I could choose. Though I was pretty heavy into hating everything by maybe 8 is the real sweet spot.

      Are you trying to pawn your inevitable catch of Geostorm on Mrs. Dell? Seems fishy. Or, she's a rather unique bird, perhaps? My wife wouldn't touch this one with a ten-foot pole. But, that makes sense, because she has the taste of someone who's twice her age.

      Musical Youth. Tell me you had that shit on a cassette!

      Hey, off topic...I caught Do the Right Thing on Showtime the other day (hadn't seen it in at least 15 years)...and loved every second of it. Damn, Spike was f--king brilliant back in the day. (I will never forgive Chi-raq. Never.)