If you have to go, go. But it would be really great if you stayed.

I don't remember what the priest said exactly (he went way rogue during, the ceremony), but I'm sure the whole in sickness and in health thing came up. I mean, it's part of the rules, right? You pledge your life to someone, you can't f--king bail on them when they get sick, right?

But what if you're not married yet? Hell, it took me seven years to propose. I was already being enough of an asshole. If she had gotten sick, I wasn't going anywhere.

Okay, dickhead. Try not to pull anything patting yourself on the back, okay? What about if you're not even dating? What if you've already broken up?

Uhhhhh....about that.

Being that I'm a moderately-functioning consumer of moving pictures, it goes without saying that of course I had heard about The Big Sick prior to watching it with my wife the other night. Of course I knew it was based on Kumail Nanjiani's real-life relationship with Emily Gordon, and how their relationship persevered through her life-threatening illness.  And of course I was going to love the shit out of it, because, well, it's not like I'm a f--king heartless prick, incapable of joy and basic human empathy.

Uh, so Kumail, at least, is a good dude, amusingly struggling through life a burgeoning stand-up comedian
(and Uber driver). After a show, as I'm sure is so often the case, this funny dude meets a seemingly lovely young woman and they hit it off. Turns out this chick is, you guessed it, Emily, and after a quick check on the guy your mom married, she heads the Hell home. Clearly Kumail wants a little more than a one night stand (wait, what?), and the inevitable game of cat-and-mouse begins. The catch? Kumail's family are some pretty traditional Pakistanis, and are desperately trying to arrange his marriage. To a fine Pakistani woman. Ain't nobody got time for some white chick and all her bullshit. If he's going to pursue Emily, he's gonna have it covertly.


Now I suppose this is going to sound like I'm a f--king jerk, but I didn't really like Emily. At all. She's cute and witty and all that, but I think she totally overreacts when Kumail tells her that his family wouldn't approve of her in the least. Okay, even I read that and think I'm a piece of garbage, but I'm going to go ahead and stand by my (utterly horrible) take on Emily. Yep. I felt like that guy that wants to tell his friend that the girl he's in love with sucks, but I have to hold my tongue in case they get married. And nobody wants to be that guy.

Ah, remember when it used to be fun going shopping with your boyfriend/girlfriend?
Those were the days.
Now, I'd rather spend those eleven hours doing something else.

Since we've already established that I'm a rotten individual, might was well pile on with the Yays and Boos at this point. I picked this one thinking my wife would enjoy it (she recently saw Nanjiani speak at a conference), but she slipped into a coma about ten minutes in, only to return to life near the end of the film, coincidentally enough.

Did I ever tell you that I may or may not look a lot like Ray Romano.

Yeah. It's...a thing.

Yaaaaaaaaaay!

• Just once in my lifetime, I'm gonna have to ask for the Hugh Grant. Hopefully that doesn't require full-coverage.
• Wait, that's praying? Maybe this whole I don't believe in religion thing, needs to be visited. I mean, I could get into cricket.
• Watching Vincent Price movies and then getting it on? Yes, please.
• Keep up the...*leaves* (this might have been my favorite line, er, almost line)
• Yo, Hospital Lady was the truth. I'm totally gonna meet her at the security desk.
• So, I like my parent enough, right? They take turns being intermittently...good, but holy shit, Emily's parents are the best. I mean, you had me at Ray Ramano. But Holly Hunter, too. That's just unfair.
• I haven't been dumped by anyone in...ever (that's actually not that cool when you think about it), but I totally dug the part when Kumail's final hook-up trashed the X-Files. If you ain't liking her, she ain't liking them.
• That drive-thru freak out was kind of bizarre and uncalled for, but I enthusiastically support cleaning up after yourself. 
• Of all the bags you can show your lady, I think the bag of devotion is one she'll probably enjoy the most.
• And finally, as odd as it may be, I really enjoyed the relationship between Kumail and Emily....'s parents. This was easily the strength of the movie, the strange way that they all developed into a weird family. I'm probably not that close to my own in-laws...but I saw a little of myself there. A tad, perhaps. And her dad and I bonded over the Red Sox dying a slow death...not you, know, his daughter. 

Boooooooooo!

• C'mon, Kumail  That's your place? A mattress on the floor and a weird roommate? That's bad enough in college. But as an adult who tells jokes for a living and doesn't work with children...wait...what was my point?
• We hate terrorists. 
• Uh, I have a hard enough time talking about my wife's ex-boyfriends...but Emily drops an even bigger hammer on Kumail. And then freaks out at his reaction. 
• Look, lady. There are way worse boxes to find in your boyfriend's bedroom. Way worse. (okay, this is sounding like I have the box from Se7en under my bed....which I don't, but still).
• Holy shit, imagine making that phone call. I don't like calling for good news...but that one would have been the worst. I'd probably offer a carefully worded text message or something. Hi. Remember when your daughter wasn't in a coma?
• I wasn't exactly thrilled with Bro Montana in the crowd being a super-douche, but I was kinda psyched when Momma Bear's claws came out. (and yes, I would have handled it just like her dad, too).
• For the love of everything sacred in the world, please never let me ever have to play back old voicemails just to hear the voice of my child. Never, ever, never...never. No. Nope. No thanks.
• You're not my son. Ow. Ch.
• Imagine you've been at the bedside of someone you loved, while they've clung to life in a coma. That would suck, right? Of course it would. But imagine they come to....and ain't exactly glad to see you? That would be worse.
• And finally, as much (or as little) as I enjoyed this movie, I can't fathom how much it's universally praised. At the time of this writing, this f--ker is sitting at a 98% at Rotten Tomatoes. Ninety. Eight. The Shape of Water is at a 97%, for f--k's sake, and apparently that movie is about getting a handjob on a waterbed or something, which sounds fantastic. Anyway, The Big Sick is a good flick for the most part...but I'm not sure it's bordering on perfection. And clearly, I know perfection. *cries*

As I'm basically staring forty dead in it's old ballsack, the possibility of some sort of debilitating condition lurks under the surface of every major decision I make. What if I get sick? What if I die before ______? It's madness, but I'm hoping that it kind of goes with the territory of getting older (for the record, I'm currently the picture of health). But what I almost never think about?

What if my wife gets sick? What if she....

Yeah, you know what? Like that Rotten Tomatoes score...even if you're telling me that's a thing...

...f--k that noise.