Wednesday, May 23, 2018

You shouldn't have come back here. You're too good for this place.

After tooling around looking at deer and cows, yes, cows, our incredibly overzealous tour guide willed yet another bus up a fairly steep hill into a wooded enclosure. She demanded silence, then gingerly plopped out of the bus and damn near struck a superhero pose upon hitting the ground. Gently, she called out.... [insert embarrassing animal name for a majestic wolf]. Chino? Schlomo? I've got no clue, really.

Anyway, the majestic beast emerges, and quietly comes over to the fence. It paws the ground twice. She nods, and flips him a treat. Awww. Chewing, he looks up at her. And does it again. 

It was amazing. This animal that could probably rip this lady's face off (then mine), played by rules it had no business knowing.

But it still wasn't the most eye-opening thing I saw a wolf do this week.

I spent five hours on a bus filled with thirty eight eleven year-olds last Wednesday, and despite their (relatively) decent behavior [we left behind seventy five of them], it was, by all accounts, straight-up torture. But seeing that wolf do something amazing for thirty seconds? Made it all worthwhile.

And pretty much everything bad that had/would happen was immediately and totally forgiven.

Wolves, from writer/director David Hayter, was also a tortuous experience - but its mama raised it right, clocking in at just over eighty-something minutes. And like the aforementioned field trip, the entire experience was saved by a singular moment. Shockingly, it wasn't a wolf that produced it. Nope.

It was a fox.


Not that any of this matters, but since I'm pretty much a Jedi in pointless endeavors, here's what you/no one needs to understand about the plot of Wolves, you know, before rushing off to watch it. Cayden is a high school senior, who after freaking out on some a-hole during a football game, gets his first boner and almost kills his girlfriend in the process. Apparently, he either has never had such feelings or desires before AS A HIGH SCHOOL FOOTBALL PLAYER, or the 1,000th time's the charm, and his sexual arousal turns him into something resembling a werewolf. And not the groovy, Michael J. Fox-kind, either. Like, the gross kind, that you'd expect to f--k your chickens before actually eating them.

Anyhow, Cayden deals with these intimate feelings the only way you'd expect him to, by blacking out and dismembering his 'parents'. As there's not enough Febreeze in the world to mask the stench of parricide (I looked it up, screw you), Cayden becomes a moderately handsome drifter with surprising ease. He ends up in some dive bar where he crosses path with Wild Joe (not 'Firehands' Wild Bill, a story I will have to tell you some day), a sketchy dude who knows way too much about what Cayden's dealing with. The wolf business, that is, not the murdering parents/erection-fueled freakouts.

Turns out there's this secret war that's been raging between pure-bloods and half-breeds, but instead of Draco Malfoy sneering through the business end of a broomstick, this ancient blood feud is led by none other than Aquaman himself. Connor, the alpha, is played by the massive Jason Momoa, who seems just as likely to f--k you as he does to kill you (perhaps both, but I'm not sure in what order). He doesn't take too kindly to Cayden, and clearly shit's about to go down.

Scott and Stiles, after the mine closed down, spent a lot of time in those woods..
Quite frankly, a f--k I could give about any of this, until the fairly hot Angel shows up, with her blue eyes (I think) and impressive rack (I know). I didn't necessarily think we'd see her and Cayden make cubs, as this whole flick felt very PG-13ish. But when our two young lovers finally go at it like a couple of animals, well, good times were had by all. In what was probably a fifteen second scene, the entirety of the movie was saved, especially considering I may or may not have watched that, more than once. You know, for the blog.

Speaking of fleeting moments full of sweet asses, here are the Yays and Boos. I'm fully aware of how pathetic enjoying an entire f--king terrible movie is for some lame nude scene, especially considering that almost every single person on the planet has immediate access to the most salacious stuff imaginable, but between you and me, f--k it. This movie reminded me of being eleven again, dammit, where one great boob made ninety bad minutes seem like a good deal.

Sometimes, Google Images doesn't f--k around.

  • Dude, his high school girlfriend is the ultimate catch. First, she's hot. Incredibly. Second? She's just shy of 25. Easily. And third, I'm pretty sure she's never had sex before. With a werewolf. Wait, what?
  • I've never bought a motorcycle (uh, or ridden one), but the fact that they come with their own greenscreen - that's a helluva deal!
  • Even though it looks/sounds/feels like a porno without (most of) the sex, the production values are decent. At times. 
  • Which includes the casting of Merritt Patterson, who is super sexy and the poor-man's Olivia Wilde. (this is a compliment, Merritt...scout's honor)
  • Though the budget on ladies with nice boobs seems to be rather generous all things considered. Damn, ladies. I'm trying to focus on this interesting tale of werewolf hierarchies, for f--k's sake. Button it up.
  • [high-pitched dolphin noises sounding urgent and authoritative] Jason Momoa is awesome in this movie. [whispers] Even if his wolf costume looks like it was made for an eastern European semi-pro basketball team called the Warsaw Werewolves, where instead of basketballs, the halftime show has the mascot jumping off a broken trampoline and dunking human heads into flaming garbage cans. 
  • Wolfman may not have brains, but he certainly has nards, as wolf-Cayden takes on an entire pack of were-dicks and lives to tell the, wait for it, tail. Awwwhooooooooooooo...... 
  • No offense to anyone in particular, but thank you [werewolf] Jesus that Momoa manages to keep his pants on during that final skirmish. I'm all for nudity (clearly), but were-dong is where I draw the line. 
  • Ooh, a fence post through the chest? That's probably gonna leave a mark.
  • And finally, I love the fact that someone not only wrote this movie, but also produced and directed it. I'm assuming they've seen other movies, you know? They know the score. But still, a group of people got together and made this ridiculous movie. I respect that. 
So, about that Snyder cut....?
  • Margaret. You thought this was worse than The Bad Batch [review]?? No f--king way!
  • Get off your knees, Ref, you're blowing the game. Seriously, I don't care if this is High School football in Shitstown USA, the towel toss is an easy unsportsmanlike conduct. So is the way late headbutt. Oh, and the on-field murder? 15 yards and an automatic first down.
  • m.brown's inner monlogue [as the screen freezes]: Looking back, it was really easy to see that this f--king voice-over work was atrocious.
  • What's worse? That this movie stars some sketchy pornstar dude, or that I totally recognized him instantly. I guess I'm good with...dicks faces.
  • Not that I expected much more, but all the violence is of the CGI BS variety. Is fake-blood really that expensive? Or were the wolf costumes made out of bald eagle feathers?
  • Wild Joe sounded like he was either an Irish cowboy or your typical douchebag from Boston. Pick a side, Joe. You can't be so much awesome.
  • Who makes an entire map of the United States and only labels one city? Oh, I know this one. A frustrated intern in the prop department. You'll get a cut of the VOD, promise. *angrily grabs compass*
  • Barflies are supposed to look like Danny Trejo and/or Michael Madsen. These guys look like they're on their lunch break from H&R Block.
  • Speaking of, some old pipe-smoker takes Cayden home and like that, he's a farm hand in a margarine commercial. What the shit? Was this film financed by the Nebraska Visitor's Bureau?
  • Okay, so according to this movie, changing into a werewolf will basically cure all your wounds. But Cayden goes all Infinity War and can't change into the big guy. Uh, earlier...sexual tension seemed to unleash the, uh...maybe an Bossman Junior would do the trick?
  • When the final fight culminates in biting the thigh of your father, I'm thinking a silver bullet sounds pretty inviting. For me.
  • This actually might be a Yay, but we're treated to some pretty dramatic dialogue. In full wolf make-up.
  • And finally, what the f--k is with this 'free with commercials' nonsense on VUDU? I actually wouldn't mind it...uh, I guess...if all the commercials weren't for the exact same product: MOTHERF--KING VUDU. This is like someone currently going down on you stopping to ask you if you're into oral sex. 
While the wolf on our field trip was pretty badass, once again, I was much more interested in the fox we would see later on. And no, not our female tour guide, silly goose. An actual fox.


  1. Dude it is so dope u watched it. And 2 reviews in 2 days?! Best week ever!!!

    ", is played by the massive Jason Momoa, who seems just as likely to f--k you as he does to kill you"

    Oh God YES. I cannot believe you were in the same state he was in last weekend. I bet everything was more beautiful. Flowers bloomed, Sun shone brighter and women were spontenously moaning all around

    "[high-pitched dolphin noises sounding urgent and authoritative]"

    Owwwwwwww!!! :*

    OK first of all that seems like a far more awesome version of basketball and second of all I am the mascot arent I?

    I wish we got that dong.

    And yes Bad Batch was better. Wolves is even worse than Sugar Mountain.

    Tho I still havent seen this one and it is the only Feral Boo film I havent seen -

    Sounds like something I will waste time on soon.

    1. That's very sweet of you to say. I don't think I can crank another one out before RF, but I might give it a shot.

      You know, last weekend was supposed to be shitty...but it turned out to be really nice. Especially might be on to something.

      You could be the mascot, assuming you wouldn't get engulfed in whatever the Hell the 'werewolves' were wearing. That was some of the worst wolf make-up I've ever seen...which is why I loved it so much.

      No. No were-dong. Not ever. (though I think there was one in Werecop...or Wolfcop...or whatever the Hell it was I watched)

      Not sure I'm up for Sugar Mountain...but I'm damn sure THIS was better than Bad Batch.

      I'm on to either Solo or DP2 next....then maybe whatever the Hell that imdb link will get me to (imdb = blocked at work)

      Clearly, YOU WASTE ENOUGH TIME AS IT IS!!!!!! (and I appreciate it so much)

  2. What the actual fuck? lol

    As much as I enjoy camp, I don't think this one is for me.

  3. Oh boy..teenagers who must deal with perfect bodies and big boobs of gals and also turning into werewolves....typical teen stuff. As for being on a bus with screaming kids...forget it but I would love to pet a wolf and that fox is very cute

    1. It really is typical teenage stuff, and I found myself more or less thrilled that the even bother to make stuff like this anymore. It's beyond terrible, but charming in how bad it is.

      But kids on a bus? Nothing charming about that.

  4. This looks so terrible I have to see it.