Thursday, May 10, 2018

Did I tell you about my birthday?

The Magnificent. 
Pounds. 
Years (both Itch and In Tibet)
Days in Entebbe.

The number seven has been celebrated in many things cinematic, and as of this evening, Two Dollar Cinema joins the party. Happy birthday to... we?

And while I haven't seen a single film mentioned in the above list, in the last three hundred and sixty five days, I did to see (and 'review') seventy six films. Yes, that's likely an all-time low for a calendar year, but remember, it's not quantity that matters....it's quality.

Oooh...about that.


As is the tradition in this annual circle-jerk for one, here are my top and bottom eleven films that I saw for the first time between May 2017 to May 2018. I'm not a huge fan of ranking anything, but if you're bothered by the order, just know that you've just made it to the top of my all-time biggest a-hole list. I'm just kidding. You're more like top 5.

  1. Wind River - I'm pretty sure I saw this on my 38th birthday, and let me tell you, there's nothing like crying alone in the theater to celebrate your special day. There isn't enough cake in the world to fill the emptiness certain parts of this film left me with. That said, I absolutely loved it.
  2. The Shape of Water - Hot damn, that was a sexy movie. I've always been a fan of love, love stories, on-screen nudity, monsters, and Michael Shannon, so I guess it shouldn't surprise anyone when you mix them all together, the results are fantastic.
  3. Three Billboards Outside Ebbing Missouri - The only thing better than a Martin McDonagh film's cast is it's script. And the cast's are f--king tremendous. You don't get better than Rockwell and Woody (and everybody else, calm yourself).
  4. Wonder Woman - Was this really in the last year? Seems like it came out a decade ago. I guess that's what happens when you think about Gal Gadot every second of the day.
  5. A Quiet Place - The only regret I have about this film is that I could not get my wife to come with me. It would have been incredible...visiting her in the hospital afterward.
  6. Paddington 2 - The existence of this adorable little bear, even if for just two hours, makes the world a better place. 
  7. Game Night - I still smile just thinking about Bateman ending that Jenga game at his neighbor's house. I guess I came in a little hot there.
  8. Baby Driver - This motherf--ker got a little carried away by the end, but holy shit did I love the beginning. That shit was electric.
  9. Black Panther - Wakanda forever, indeed. Even with the sky-high expectations of a record-shattering box office, Marvel's latest solo-flick was so incredibly badass. More of this, please.
  10. All the Money in the World - This movie was so good I spent the rest of the night on Wikipedia.
  11. The Lost City of Z - This is the end of my list, you know, because sometimes, a clear ending is okay, too. (but so is a sad, vague one, too)
About halfway through this past year at Two Dollar Cinema, we acquired a soon-to-be ancient artifact known as a MoviePass card. While the promise of unlimited theatrical movies for a couple bucks a month seemed like something shot out of the dong of Zeus himself, most of the following films would suggest that even a gift from the gods can make you life a living Hell. Here are the worst eleven films I saw this year, with many of them being something I had to wear pants to.

  1. The Emoji Movie - Is there an emoji where a guy has a dog take a  runny shit directly into his eyes for ninety minutes? 
  2. Peter Rabbit - If you see my review for the sequel, you have my permission to absolutely murder me in my sleep.
  3. Pottersville - Christmas is supposed to be a special time. No. F--k Christmas. And f--k this movie. Oh, and f--k Bigfoot, too.
  4. Red Sparrow - I just got my report card from Whore School. It's weird, I only got two grades. An F and a U.
  5. Baywatch - Big tits used to be enough. But I'm sorry, The Rock. even you're massive rack couldn't save this one.
  6. The Layover - If the Lifetime network made a sex-free porno...it would be 900 times better than this. I'm pretty sure the H. in William H. Macy now stands for Hell, as in the only place you'd ever catch me watching this movie again.
  7. Transformers: The Last Knight ...of my life. Holy shit, this movie was terrible. Like, terrible for a Transformers movie. No, seriously. Think about that. F--king insane, right?
  8. Wimpy Kid/Despicable Me 3/Ferdinand - Even my kids we're like, what the f--k, Dad? We were gonna wait till we older to hate the shit out of you. 
  9. The Commuter - Dear Mr. Neeson, Please stop making stupid shit like this. Love, Everyone.
  10. The Dark Tower - The only thing I remember about this movie is some crazy woman who was in the wrong theater, and abruptly left after seeing about two minutes of the film. I'm sorry, crazy lucky woman.
  11. The Bad Batch - This should have been higher on the list (potentially even the top), but it's so inexplicably terrible, there's part of me that actually loved it. That part of me? Well, it's actually another person.
Speaking of other people, let me take a quick moment to thank a few lovely people out there (while it's still May 10th). I could probably spend an entire post on each one of you, but Sati and Brittani are the main reason this site still exists into its seventh year. There are a few others that stop by despite my total lack of returning the love (and you mean the world to me, too), but these two exquisite ladies have been here FOREVER. I'm not sure which word to use, two or too, but I know the first three.

I love you.

17 comments:

  1. Owwwwwwww :*

    I am shocked Paddington 2 isnt on the top! But even a bigger shock is that Bad Batch isnt near the top on crap list. I was reading and my suspense grew and yep it is included:) I think Wolves will top next year's list once u see it. There is no way Hollywood can make anything worse in the next 12 months.

    76 is a lot of reviews comparing to some people eg me. And please keep them coming!

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    1. I really loved Paddington, but probably more for what that damn bear represents. The second film was exquisite, but not my favorite of the year.

      I'm actually looking forward to Wolves, only because I have this strange feeling I'm going to like it. It would me so fitting, you know?

      76 is easily an all-time low, but I'm f--king ecstatic you're still around, kicking me in the face to keep going. I couldn't appreciate it more.

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    2. I refuse to believe anyone in the world can enjoy Wolves. If I cannot enjoy Momoa as savage while I am drunk there is no way anyone can enjoy this film. Masochists maybe. But like hardcore ones.

      *evil laugh* Oh. You could.

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  2. HAPPY BLOGIVERSARY!

    I agree with a lot on these lists. Especially Peter Rabbit at the top of the worst one, gotdamn that movie was terrible. I haven't seen All The Money in the World yet, and I skipped Lost City of Z but my husband said he really liked it too. I'll have to watch it sometime.

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    Replies
    1. Thank you, Brittani.

      My neighborhood is overrun with these adorable little rabbits, and after seeing that shitshow, I couldn't look at them the same. I'm assuming that since I live in Pennsylvania, at the very least our rabbits don't sound like a douchey Brit...so I will hold off murdering all of them. For now. Maybe stick carrots in their asses.

      I think both of those films may surprise you. Check 'em out.

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    2. Squirels. Ducks. Homeless. Now rabbits.

      *nods*

      Yep. Something is not right here.

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  3. Congrats on the 7th year! I'm proud to share my blog-birthday-month-May with you!

    Here's to making it to the 8th and the 9th and the 10th and etc blog year!

    Keep them reviews coming, the good and the bad, but mostly the bad because honestly, the worse the movies, the funnier the reviews and I always come here for some heavy duty sophisticated jokes!

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    Replies
    1. We're both May babies, well, at least blog wise. Thank you for the kind words.

      Hahahaha....sophistication is what I'm all about, you know? Like mentioning the word boner 900 times a post? That shit's totally highbrow, right?

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  4. Happy blog anniversary! 7 years, wow, I don't think I'll get that far. Anyway, I don't care how often you write reviews, just keep them coming because I love reading them (I should comment more often though haha).

    I agree with you on your top 9 movies. The other two I haven't seen. I've only seen Pottersville, Red Sparrow and Baywatch on your bottom list and I hated them.

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    1. Sonia, I never thought I'd make it out of the first year, and now I've been doing it so long, I've written reviews for entire franchises.

      Aw, shit...comments. Commenting. Easily the thing I'm the worst at. I read so many posts, but I loathe commenting from my phone (and I can't at work...when I'm actually alone in relative peace and quiet) and generally never go back when I tell myself I should! I'm with you 900%.

      THOSE MOVIES SUCKED SO HARD.

      Thanks for stopping by...(and commenting).

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    2. If I had no comment from phone policy I would never be able to comment anywhere. We all make uncomfortabke sacrifes! *she commented from her phone*

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  5. Happy blogaversary! Awesome picks for your top movies of the year. Hope there's plenty more of blogging ahead for you, especially for Sati's sanity. :D

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  6. Congrats on 7 years m.brown, To celebrate, We're launching our 2nd reunion show from 2016 as a concert video on iTunes on May 25th and if you look at Anthony's Instagram page, We're planning another reunion show for you to stay tuned for more information on.
    ❤️��
    ����

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    Replies
    1. That's amazing. So, I'm going to assume I get a free copy. Sweet.

      Delete