Wednesday, August 15, 2018

Hey...I misjudged you.

You respectable types probably never do this, but being that I often get in way over my head, I, uh...well...I sometimes go back and re-read the plot synopsis of a movie I'm about to make a post on. Feels good finally saying it out loud.

I know, I know - it's pretty f--king embarrassing how terrible my memory can be, but despite stumbling around like a moron half the day, there's a lot going on upstairs, you know? I mean, how can you remember what a movie was about, when your head is full of baseball stats and the lyrics to 90 percent of every pop song ever recorded.

But even after watching it two nights in a the events of the film? I still couldn't tell you what the f--k it was about. And I read it twice. 

The good news? Even though I really can't tell you what the mission was exactly, I can, with exquisite detail, tell you that I f--king loved Mission: Impossible Rogue Nation. I had so much fun, in fact, I was actually upset. Like, why the Hell did I wait three years to see this? 

Had I not looked it up, I would have told you this one was about the usual double-agent stuff...a list of operatives has gone missing, everyone's in danger, and Tom Cruise is gonna slow-motion jump through a window.

Turns out, most (if not all) of that is untrue, and this fifth installment instead finds the IMF being folded into the uncaring arms of the CIA. Ethan Hunt (possibly the long-dead CGI version of a 33 year old Tom Cruise) is desperately trying to prove his teams' worth to a government agency that ain't exactly feeling it. Yeah, Hunt and his crew always get the job done, but often at a spectacular cost. Just ask any one trying to take a selfie in front of the Kremlin.

Apparently, there's some mysterious/imaginary group of terrorist known as The Syndicate, and shocking no one, these a-holes are major fans of creating utter f--king chaos. Turns out they are going to assassinate some chancellor dude, and Hunt secretly enlists Benji (Simon Pegg) to thwart the hit. They do, sort of, and the game is officially on. Already beautiful people will continue their seemingly genetic lucky hand and pull off some of the most insane and daring things all in the name of world peace. Meaning?

Bullets will be dodged. Gadgets will be deployed. And, of course...faces will be torn off.

Yeah the plane stunt in the beginning was rad, but this scene? Holy shit.

Not shitting you in the least, I had so much fun with Rogue Nation, I was essentially foaming at the mouth when my wife and I headed to the theater shortly thereafter to see Fallout. While the are you f--king kidding me? factor may have been dialed up to eleven in the latest M:I flick, count me as the dude that liked Rogue Nation even better.

Speaking of things that aren't better than, well, anything, here are the Yays and Boos. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to read a couple of these insights before heading back to the internet to Google pictures of Rebecca Ferguson. Just kidding, you can head there now. We can even meet up if you like...

Hey, I just met you. And this is crazy.
But here's my face. So shoot me maybe?
(or: I wonder what she could turn my flute into)

  • Wait. That's where Hawkeye was during Infinity War? (I had no idea Renner was in this)
  • I kind of already mentioned it, but that plane door bit in the beginning was f--king bananas. 
  • Ferguson plays Ilsa, possibly the most badass spy ever, and she absolutely handles a room full of dudes all at the same time. Like, she kicks their asses, goodness. What's wrong with you?
  • The opera scene is a microcosm of the entire movie: super fast-paced with an rousing score.
  • Benji's always got the coolest tech. But his paper laptop thing just might be my favorite bit ever.
  • Man, that fight on the lights was awesome. I wasn't sure ol' TC was gonna be able to handle that Giant Bastard. (Spoiler Alert: he did)
  • Probably should be a Boo, but it's so ridiculous, it's the biggest Yay ever. Yep, you guessed it: LANE'S VOICE. 
  • One of you a-holes is probably gonna send me a link saying it's all green screen/Toronto's very versatile, but I'm always beyond impressed with how many rad locations these films are shot in.
  • Put your hands together for Ving Rhames, goddammit. I'm thinking he's one of the best parts of these films. Oddly enough, I'm also thinking Arby's, but that's neither here nor there.
  • It's been too long since I've discussed Ferguson, so let me just casually mention that I fully dig the Serena Altschul vibe she occasionally gives off here. Rowr. Oh, and major props for saving our main man in that underwater mission. And having the courtesy of wearing ill-fitting bottoms in the process. And, yes the sideboooooo----. *passes out*
  • I'm back. At least I think it's me. Someone analyze my gait to make sure.
  • I know lots of yous got various tingles in your naughty bits over the stunts in Fallout, but uh, I'm not sure anything beats the highway chase scene here with the motorcycles. Holy shit, right? I think that car rolled thirty-nine times!
  • Oh, and speaking of all-timers, easily the best face-reveal ever. Sooooooooooooo good.
  • Twas quite the shooting spree toward the end there, was it not? I thought I blacked out and came to during the live-action film of Time Crisis 2.
  • Can we all agree that we need more knife fights in movies? Like, even in family films and rom-coms, too? Especially when people take being stabbed the same way I take to being gingerly bumped into by an old person. 
  • And finally, even though I'm late to this party, can we all kind of collectively go back to liking Tom Cruise? Please? Sure, his personal life might not be for you (notice the italics, f--ker), that's fine (it isn't), but for too long I've been hearing some of you hate Tom Cruise because he's a movie star. What the f--k is this line of thinking? That's Jerry Ma-f--king-Guire over there. King of the housecalls! Master of the living room! He is not a loser. *blacks out reciting entire film from the rooftop of a Motel 6 as S.W.A.T. team assembles*
  • Blow up the world, fine. But shooting the chick working the night shift at the record store? Have you no scruples?
  • Impossible Mission Force. Really? Am I the only one that's news to?
  • Thanks, guys. You've officially made a rooftop escape from hitmen infinitely sexier than anything I've ever done with my wife in our ten years of marriage.
  • Get a pen and listen up. Under death and taxes, there are two other certainties in life: if you're caught, they're going to tie you up without your shirt on. And, when that guy comes in with his briefcase of torture devices? Yep, he's going to punch you first.
  • Tom Cruise has been jacked his whole life. Me? I've spent more time seeing him ripped in movies...than, well...actually lifting weights.
  • But I have been hooked up to a polygraph...and uh, what we see here? That's not how they do it.
  • Practicing how long you can hold your breath in a bikini is ridiculous. Obviously, you should practice that in the nude.
  • I actually jumped when that underwater file-sorter thing crushed Ethan. At my house. I imagine in the theater I would have legit actual shit my actual pants.
  • Hey, Ilsa. Nice move there, wreckin' Hunt on his motorcycle. Though I liked it better the first time, when it was called The Wraith. (you get a million bonus points if you get this reference)
  • When OPTION #3 is move away with the sexy lady and leave all this nonsense behind, why does no one ever take it? I don't even care if a title card comes up telling us that shortly after moving to the Bahamas the entire world ended. 
  • And finally, outside of the lovely Margaret at cinematic corner - where were the rest of you jerkfaces? Huh? You're sitting there on your fancy IKEA chair, eating Wasa crackers and letting me watch shit like XxX: Xander Cage is a Dick and Valerian and the City of a Thousand Turds when I haven't seen motherf--king Rogue Nation? What the f--k, everyone? Sure, I totally ignored her, but at least Margaret told me I really needed to see this flick. And she never encouraged me to watch vastly shitty films in the meantime. She would never do that.
If you haven't figured it out by now, the only reason I finally watched this one was because I needed to catch up before seeing Mission: Impossible Fallout when it came out a few weeks back. And while I did finish Rogue Nation in time, I've basically been working on this post since. Yeah, imagine that.

One little thing taking so much planning...and it all goes tits up anyway.

Well, at least I remember what Fallout was about. 

See, there's this list of agents, right?


  1. Yes! I have been telling you to see this! It's nice when my efforts are acknowledged. Ferguson is my winner for best suppoorting actress here. I cant believe before watching this you probably knew her only as that lady Emily Blunt attempts to steal the kid from in the backyard

    Now go see The Conjuring films since I very rarely steer you wrong :)

    1. You did, I remember. Ferguson is my winner for everything here. Wait...wait...are you telling me...HOLY SHIT SHE WAS THE GIRL ON THE TRAIN TOO??????????????? What is happening in my life, right now? Seriously. Where am I? What's this device in front of me? THOSE WERE FERGUSON'S KIDS???? Are you sure?

      Hmmm...'very rarely' seems a bit, mild...does it not?

    2. Yes I am sure lol she was Blonde and had a thankless role, she was also in Snowman which if u saw you wouldnt hold Bad Batch against me in such persistant and over the top manner lol

    3. Um, 'persistent and over the top' was the original name of this blog.

  2. I love to watch mission impossible series and so This Time I already watch movie online and enjoy with my friends. I love to watch and enjoy the action pack scenes performed by Tom cruise.

    1. Things Mario is a magnet for:
      1. Crazy chicks
      2. Shittty films
      3. Bots, apparantly

  3. Awesome movie, with awesome stunts. Yeah, I'm one of those who likes Rogue Nation better, but this is awesome. Love the Call Me Maybe reference. I legit cracked up on that one.

    1. I worked on this damn post for over a week and all I should have went with is "Awesome movie, with awesome stunts" and kept it moving. Dammit, man!

      Have you ever played the Harmonix game DropMix? That song is one of the cards included with the base version and every time someone plays basically gets stuck in my head for a month.

  4. I'm over here..... having never watched any Mission Impossible films either. lol

    1. None? Goodness...that's...impressive??

      Actually, you watch mostly good movies, so I don't blame you in the least...but me? I watch way too much dogshit to have passed on something this fun, you know?