Tuesday, July 25, 2017

That's okay. We all make mistakes.

I know it's possible, but how the f--k does one person make a better sandwich than somebody else?

I'm serious. If all the ingredients are the same, it should be impossible to have such a varied experience. Say you enjoy one person's B.L.T, then for f--k's sake they all should be good, right? You take the bacon, the goddamned lettuce, and a f--king tomato, slap that shit between some bread and it's hoo-ray, lunch is served. If you've got the slightest f--king clue about basic sandwich composition, you can't f--k it up.

But here's the thing. Bad bacon, is still f--king bacon, so if you like it, it's good times. You can't really f--k up lettuce or tomato, unless that shit is moldy or wilted, and then you're just an asshole for serving it. Ah, but what about the delivery system, right? What about the bread?

Turns out, you can totally f--k up the bread. 

The main problem with Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets, and they're are a host of them, is definitely the f--king bread. While the rest of the film is serviceable (if not awkwardly chaotic) science-fiction, it's the dysfunctional duo of actors holding it all together that are squarely responsible for this film's epic failure. While some of you may dig these two, not a single f--k could I give.

And I wanted to!

Luc Besson has served up some pretty tasty movies in his career, and if memory serves me correctly, one helluva B.L.T science fiction flick (known around here as The One Where the Lady Has Rocks in Her Belly). But while that one had Bruce Willis and Mila Jovovich to leap through Besson's chaotic sci-fi world, in Valerian, we're stuck with two strung-out looking cool kids that are supposed to be top-tier government agents.

Right, like someone so unqualified and utterly miscast could ever rise to such a position of power in the government.

Oh, f--k me.

Maybe, I'm just old, or maybe they're just young, but the dynamic duo of Dane DeHaan and Carla Delevingne straight-up bored me to tears. While their mission is at least somewhat (morbidly?) interesting (they are a trying to collect/protect a ball-shitting lizard), their 'romance' was so dry, I'm not sure there's enough lube in two-thousand planets to make this come together. I know boy like girl, girl have to think about it movies are all the rage, but there is absolutley no f--king reason why Delevingne's character would ever let Dehaan's DeHiick anywhere near her. Ever. Unless she's got a thing for dude's who sound like Keanu Reeves after major surgery.

Be honest. If this screen-grab were a person, you'd totally want to punch it in the dick.
And while the visuals (MY GOD! THE VISUALS!) are kinda cool, it hasn't been 1997 for like, twenty years, you know? Pretty colors, transforming pop stars and silly creatures ain't exactly cutting edge. I even went all in for the 3D and was totally underwhelmed. That shit was way cooler in War for the Planet of the Apes [review], and that film had seven colors. And all of them were from the Sad Box.

Speaking of sad and disappointing, here are the Yays and Boos for Gonorrhea and the Shitty of Bacterial Infections. Not only did I take my son to this turd-sandwich, but Regal gave him a free* fidget spinner to commemorate the horror event!

*it actually cost a dollar + 8.25 shipping and handling (I shit you not) [but I ordered rad-ass Wonder Woman 3D glasses to go with it...so, I think I win, right?]

I'm not gonna lie to you. I kinda dig this chick.
And her...fingers? (Wedding Dress version was my fave!)

  • The origin of the City of a Thousand Planets is pretty frickin' cool. And then to follow it up with some Rutget Hauer? I'm in.
  • Okay, it's f--king corny as Hell, but the Shell Planet/Albino Jamaican Party Society...looked amazing.
  • It's refreshing to know that 600 years from now, Hawaiian shirts are still a thing. Phew.
  • I'm not sure if Big Market makes and damn sense...but I dug it regardless.
  • At one point, Valerian (DeHaan) falls through the floor twenty times and it's looks incredible. Same goes for him running through walls later on. Good stuff!
  • Even in a movie I didn't like, and even playing an awful character that I wanted to punch in the balls til I got bored, there's a little part of me that always gets happy when I see Clive Owen. Okay, it's not little little, you know? It's like, normal. This part.
  • The K-Tron police robot things, though giant metallic f--kers, are also exquisitely badass, too.
  • There were a couple of good chase scenes/outer space dogfights, you know? Nothing we haven't seen before, but still pretty cool nonetheless.
  • It makes no sense, like none, but Valerian's Robot Mouth Spider is totally f--king rad. I'm not sure how the agency determines who gets a Robot Mouth Spider (there's no way everyone gets one first day), but thank God V got his. 
  • No joke, guys, but uh...at one point Carla Delevingne has to, well...she has to put her head up the ass of a giant jellyfish. Now she knows how we felt watching her twirl garbage in Suicide Squad [review]. Well, almost.
  • Paradise Alley was pretty cool. Especially those weird fisherman guys right outside of it.
  • And finally, my favorite part of the film: Dress Lady. Dress Lady, a weird alien-thing, had a face that was equal parts haunting and hysterical. I didn't smile, grin, smirk - nothing, until I saw this creature and her facial reactions. I need this GIF now. On a t-shirt. Or a fidget spinner.

These guys are so awful, I would rather have three different versions...
of Chris Tucker's character from The Fifth Element instead.

  • The movie is just getting started, and this space lady? She washes her face with balls.
  • Oh, and that lady, Space Princess? She dies because her planet's about to be eviscerated, and she can't get into a downed spacecraft...because the door handle is broken. (so...it's safer in a broken ship...that's falling apart as we speak? Am I understanding this correctly?)
  • Valerian is a man-whore? Really? He looks like he wants to snort coke out of a hole he drilled in your skull, but he's slept with a zillion women. Where's the science in this fiction?
  • I know it's kind of an acceptable thing...but good God there's a lot of expository dialogue. 
  • That giant dog-thing killed their whole crew and no one seemed to give a shit. Even me.
  • I don't know about you, but everyone on Alpha, is feeling twenty-two. Like, where are the old people?
  • Wait, what? A council of random aliens has to meet in a circular room? What a time to be alive!
  • The Mul people show up and basically jizz all over everyone. In the name of peace.
  • The Skyjet. Cool thing...dumb f--king name. Was his Roadcar in the shop?
  • Those three a-holes pictured above were supposed to be funny. They weren't. It's bad enough they have dicks for faces and have skin made exclusively of dead-hobo ballsack, but my God their voices made me want to build a sophisticated robot, send it back in time, and kill my own mother before I was ever born.
  • Why is it that when a character has memories of another, they remember them from the third person perspective? Like, you remember him from that wide-shot a half hour ago? Aww.
  • Rihanna. I'm not gonna play around and say she isn't sexy, but why is she in this movie? Her dance number was cool, but served zero point. And her dramatic turn at the end? No. I refuse.
  • I've seen better fight choreography in the first three episodes of G.L.O.W. And Alison Brie's boobs.
  • Man, the guy who played Talking Head of Reason needs to be punched in his giant, non-expressive face.
  • Near the end, Valerian finds himself in a tough spot. Or it would be, if he didn't always play by the rules. What the f--k? Dude, when you're not trying to buttf--k your co-worker every second of the day, you just punched your boss in the face. And now you're a company man? Huh?
  • The Mul made their whole planet again. In a spaceship.
  • And finally, ever play a kickass videogame that has way too many cut-scenes? That's Valerian. I just want to shoot an alien in the ass and I gotta listen to Not-Neo flirt with Eyebrow Lady for the forty-fifth time in forty-six minutes. Somebody press X and let's get back to the good shit.

Trust me, all the elements are here for an awesome piece of science fiction, but for whatever reason, Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets simply doesn't work. Besson knew the recipe, and had made this sandwich before. But in addition to the stale bread, something's missing. Or, maybe more likely...

...something's been added.

Yep. I got it.

It's cheese. Lots of f--king cheese.


  1. I usually read ur website on phone at work and here I was sitting here in my office and thinking -for a solid hour now - about sucking Hardy's dick in his airplane and then

    "dead-hobo ballsack, "

    Focus restored.

    I am shocked this movie is bad. SHOCKED. Poor Clive Owen.

    1. While I'm glad that you regained your focus, please, please, PLEASE...don't ever let this nonsense interrupt a work-time fantasy. Goodness.

      Clive will survive, but even he seems a little...lost.

      (That's the roughest of ballsack, by the way. The ROUGHEST.)

    2. Hey it's good. At least I did some work yesterday.

  2. This just looks so bad, and that kind of bums me out in a way because I normally like DeHaan and this is an original sci fi movie so I'd like to to succeed just for that, buuuuuuut I'll skip it.

    1. It's probably not as bad as I'm making it out to be...but it has no business being 'kinda' bad (if that's what it is). Besson should have been able to knock this out of the park.

      I'm sure DeHaan is good in other stuff, but Valerian is basically a charmless a-hole. And trust me, I know all about charmless a-holes.

  3. Man, I give you credit for not only sitting through this thing, but for taking the time to write about it too. Fuck sake, you're a hero.

    And, "at one point Carla Delevingne has to, well...she has to put her head up the ass of a giant jellyfish. Now she knows how we felt watching her twirl garbage in Suicide Squad." Is the most hilarious shit I've read in days.

    1. Thanks, man. Though one man's hero is another man's f--king moron...but let's stick with what you're saying, you know?

      I have hope for this lady, I do. She just keeps finding herself in...shite, really.

  4. I like Dane DeHaan, but who the hell thought he and Cara Delav-whatever would make a good leading duo?!
    I want to see this at some point just in case I enjoy hating it as much as I loved hating Jupiter Ascending!

    1. What have you ladies all seen this dude in, huh? Am I missing something? I'm not mad at the guy...I just didn't recognize him from anything. Hmmm...

      Good God, hating Jupiter Ascending was so much fun!

    2. Cure for Wellness. Watch it it would make for an awrsome review :)

    3. Ah. That's the one.

      On it. After the Homeless Dance Off, of course.