Monday, January 21, 2019

I'm so embarassed. I'm not a real person yet.

I will die knowing, Hell, screaming to anyone within earshot that middle school is hands-down the worst stretch of a given person's life. Basically, it's that time when you think you know everything, but you're in fact, a ignorant f--king moron.

But coming in second to eleven, twelve and thirteen, might just be that time directly after college. That segment of life where you realize (or don't realize), that quite clearly, what you used to think was the real world was anything but. You've finished high school, conquered college. You have officially arrived.

At absolutely nowhere.

If something perfectly encapsulates the zeitgeist of a time and place that you f--king loathe...can it be considered a success, a fun time had by all? Because that was my dilemma during each and every black-and-white frame of Frances Ha. Yeah, this is well-made, looks lovely and features Kylo Ren likely on holiday from Jedi Summer Camp...but, uh, f--k this shit, you know? All of it.

I barely made it out of my early twenties as it was, and now I gotta watch a bunch of rich assholes play grabass in Central Park? F--k you, and the unicycle you rode in on.

The story, if you can call it that, is shockingly simple. Frances (Greta Gerwig) is a bit of an odd bird, and after her heterosexual life partner Silent Bob Sophie more or less dumps her to move on with her own life, France's basically falls apart. No, no...not to the point where she's sucking off homeless dudes for busfare or anything, but the poor girl is beyond lost without her BFF. So what's a confused, apartment-less, twenty-something in NYC to do? Not much, apparently. 

The rest of the film follows Frances from house-to-house, address to address as she searches for the rest of her life. For some of you, it may be as relaxing and relatable as running through the park on a warm summer day in the city, but for me, I was clamoring for a lawn I could tell those damn kids to get off of. Outside of Gerwig's relentless positivity, there wasn't much at all I enjoyed in this 95-minute epic.

Speaking of things that feel a lot longer than they actually are, let's check in with the Yays and Boos. Maybe I should go easy on Frances, as they never really did anything after graduation, either.

I'll destroy her. And you. And all of it.
  • Someone at some point wanted to move in together and get hairless cats. I think they were speaking literally, but I'm old, so I'm going to applaud the fact that they might be talking about something entirely different.
  • Ahoy, sexy!
  • The only thing better than a young (though slightly douchey) Adam Driver, is being totally surprised by a young (though slightly douchey) Adam Driver.
  • Dividing the film into segments by address was clever and appreciated.
  • Really? We're still doing this?  - Sophie, apparently able to read my f--king mind
  • Benji came off as a bit of a tool, but I certainly dug the girl he was with. And if she's okay with a  guy like Benji, well, so you're telling me there's a chance?
  • Dude, Hot Chocolate's You Sexy Thing is easily in the Soundtrack Hall of Fame (even if The Full Monty already got it inducted years ago)
  • Frances becomes an RA. A shitty one at that. The Yay? My wife used to be an Kind of reaching here, f--k you.
  • Alright, the mailbox bit was clever. Fine.
  • And finally, as much as I did not enjoy this film, it was certainly pretty to look at at times. The trip to Sacramento, oddly enough, being the standout, despite a visit to Paris (and otherwise being set in New York City).
Anything? Okay, here goes:
Why do I hate you so much?

  • I had no idea what the Hell was going on initially? Are they friends? Sisters? Lovers? All three?
  • Sophie mentions that her boyfriend can only cum when it's on her face. Seems like a giant, jizz-stained red flag, no?
  • These people, quite honestly, made me want to scream. Not sure my sleeping family would have appreciated that as my reason for waking them, but I considered it.
  • Twenty-seven is old, though. 
  • Wow, that scene in the bar was beyond cringey. As was the play-fighting bit with Not Sophie. (actually, as uncomfortable as each scene was, I kind of appreciate how much terrible they are, you know?)
  • I'm assuming this is intentional, but these f--kers are never, ever listening to each other. It's all a contest of who can sound like the most enlightened adult, despite everyone involved literally being soulless children.
  • For the love of God, why would you go to Paris? If you want to impress people, do what the rest of us do, talk a whole bunch of shit. But don't actually do it.
  • Getting important messages when you get back to the states? Ouch.
  • Aw, all that talk from Sophie...was just that. Talk. 
  • I should probably watch this movie every Sunday night, as Frances Ha felt like the longest eighty-six minutes of my life. 
  • And finally, and it almost hurts as I reluctantly pound on these keys, but by the end of my hour-an-a-half with Frances? Well, my rage had transformed into something bordering appreciation. I know, I dick move, I'm aware, but eventually I caved...a bit. Frances, despite being hyper-annoying, is not a bad person. She's just lost...and kind of sad. And compared to the rest of these pricks, she seems like someone you might want to be friends with...dammit.
At least middle school, while inherently terrible, leads to high school, which depending on how you play your cards, can be the greatest four years of your life.

But those post-college years? Shit, all they lead to is actual adulthood. And even if that goes well, which seems impossible (at least in the current version of United States), the only prize you get for completing the slow embrace of death.

Which considering I'm spending my adulthood IN MIDDLE SCHOOL...

....doesn't sound all that bad.


  1. I got a good chuckle out of the Ren quote under that photo lol

    I agree with middle school being THE WORST (8th Grade could've been a horror movie) But lost in your 20's sucks too. I ended up enjoying this movie when I expected to hate it. Someone told me before I watched it that it reminded them of Woody Allen's movies so I was sure this was going to be a big no for me.

    A+ use of "jizz soaked red flag!"

    1. Nice...wasn't sure anyone would pick up on that one.

      Middle school is the worst (as I'm prone to saying), so I need to check out 8th Grade desperately. I'm not surprised you liked it, as it seems like most people do. Personally, I just found the whole thing to be annoying and pointless, which is likely why it reminded me so much of middle school.

      If this like a Woody Allen's Woody Allen-lite. Shit, a typical Allen film feels like it has 9,000,000 lines of spoken dialogue, as opposed to whatever the Hell this one had. And Allen films tend to at least say something...where this one just kind of...happens (even though that was probably the point).

      A+, you say? Well, alrightttttttttttttt. Haven't got one of those in awhile.

  2. Yeah so I watched this as part of an Adam Driver binge and I can't remember anything about it other than how damn cute young Adam Driver is!

    1. That seems like the ideal grounds as to which to discover this film. Me? I was blindsided. Like, no shit! BABY KYLO REN!

  3. Oh God I hated that hipster nonsense too. I'm sure Greta is a nice person but I don't like any of her work

    1. I liked Lady Bird, but yeah, it's a no from me dawg.

      I'm sure she's cool as f--k, but if I met this character in real life, I'd probably throw myself in front of the next unicycle I saw.