Monday, January 14, 2019

How did you guys get so lucky?

When it comes to avoiding your impending, violent death, cinematically speaking of course, there are many rules to follow.

Don't speak. (A Quiet Place)
Don't breathe. (um, Don't Breathe)
Don't move. Uh, pretty much everything (all horror, recently-freed T-Rex)
Don't touch. (Contagion? Outbreak?)
Don't...listen? (Pontypool)
Don't place your genitals in/or around someone else's. (It Follows)

Now, we've circled back to Don't look.

And every time I watch a movie where it's going to kill you (Don't grow up in Derry, by the way) there's only one rule I'm hoping the film will abide by: Don't suck.

Bird Box, surprisingly, doesn't suck - but it sure as shit doesn't warrant its momentary cultural phenomenon status. Debuting on Netflix in December, this Sandra Bullock-led thriller has, like the mysterious plague at its core, somehow captivated a portion of the entire planet. Apparently, no one has seen any of the films mentioned above, because all of those did the relentless death thing first, sure, and damn near all of them did it better.

In case the rock you live under doesn't have WiFi, here's what you need to know: some mysterious plague is quickly encompassing the planet, were victims, upon catching it (or being caught by it), kill themselves instantly. Think The Happening, but no one gives a shit about the honey bees.

The hook, outside of the glorious chaos that comes from mass (hysterical?) suicides, is that in the world of Bird Box, one acquires this illness through their eyes. You can make all the noise you want (kind of), inhale and exhale like a champ, and Hell, f--k anything that moves, but you best do all that shit with your eyes closed. Because...if you see it, if you dead. Fine, that doesn't make a lot of sense, but like this flick, just shut the f--k up and go with it.

Prior to ascending to Admiral, Ackbar spent his youth robbing strip clubs on Endor.
As potentially goofy as the concept is (or isn't), I'm not going to lie and say that I wasn't in to Bird Box as it blindly staggered along. While the QA department might've been on lunch during the casting of some of the supporting players, Sandra Bullock is rock-solid from start-to-finish and lends the film a certain level of credibility it wouldn't have had otherwise.

That said, even with an Oscar winning actress leading the way, there's an almost inherent low-budge vibe that occasionally threatens to jettison the entire production into the realm of unintentional comedic masterpiece. Maybe that's me being a bit harsh, or maybe that's what happens when a film debuts at my house.

Also making their first appearance in Shit Towne, were the Yays and Boos. And just like in Bird Box, it's best to cover your eyes whenever they're around...just to be safe.

I'd make the same face if I was in a car driven by my sister.

  • Even though I had caught it on Twitter the day prior (set to some ridiculous music, no less), the major freak-out scene was pretty f--king intense. 
  • Initially, I hated everything about John Malkovich's character, Douchey, er, Douglas, but good thing I didn't give up on this f--ker, you know? The dude is nothing if not clutch.
  • Trevante Rhodes is the absolute man. Oh, he kicks lots of ass along the way, but his final moments? F--king awesome...especially his bit with the kids. Aw.
  • (but what about his last...act? Holy shit! F--k those guys.)
  • What's that noise? It sounds like...people vigorously having sex. We should check totally investigate (I don't blame them/anyone in that situation).
  • Just a speedbump. Just a speedbump., I appreciate what you're trying to do.
  • No lie, I too have been that happy to see a Pop-Tart.
  • Could those kids have been any more doe-eyed? My goodness. I just wanted to buy them each a coloring book or read them story, they were so adorable. And compliant.
  • And finally, being that I'm that asshole, I had my parents watch this one first, claiming it was something that they had to see (because Twitter said so). And when they said it wasn't anything all that special, I basically told them, well, you are you probably just didn't get it. Cut to me watching it three days later. You guys were right. Nothing special. And yes, I'm also not sure why this is a Yay, but I'm gonna just go with it.
Not a single thing about this is acceptable.
  • Maybe you could be just a tad...less...stern? I know, I know...they'll die if they don't listen, but still. They're so small.
  • Wow, if I didn't feel inadequate enough as a parent, this chick is loading two kids into a boat, blindfolded AND ROWING DOWN A F--KING RIVER. For f--k's sake, there's times where I can't put two kids in a car, using my functioning eyeballs, because it's sort of misting.
  • Whatever the budget was for prosthetic pregnancy stomach, yeah...we're gonna need to go ahead and double it.
  • Ooh, Hospital Lady with the head smashing? Uh, we're getting a bit of a comedic vibe here. Might want to dial it back, sweetie.
  • The dude from Uncle Drew [review] knows just a wee bit too much about demons and shit, right?
  • Was it just me, or did that house seem absurdly located
  • I don't consider myself all that squeamish, but f--k me, that bit where they are feeling around the room and find a bloody corpse? *shudder* That's f--king awful.
  • Rivers Cuomo, er, that f--ker on the river? It's early, but that guy's on the podium for 2019's Asshole of the Year. Along with that prick Fish Finger, too.
  • I'm cool that the birds know...I guess. But the fact that there's birds in a grocery store? Yeah, I'm less cool with that.
  • F--k Gary. Actually, you can probably f--k all Garys, but this one here? Oh, f--k him the most. No one wants to see your retarded drawings, hear your shitty music, or listen to your psychotic ramblings. Even on a good day, I'd still probably through myself out a window than deal with this dickhole.
  • You guys, I'm gonna let you in on a little secret: I like babies. A lot. But not here. F--k everything having to do with those beautiful little bastards. (that scene was too tense)
  • That was your big twist ending? If you say so...
  • And finally, are you f--king kidding me with the Bird Box Challenge? Really? I gotta deal with a-hole kids blindfolding themselves in my classroom and walking into shit? For real? Why wasn't there a Quiet Place Challenge where everyone would just shut the f--k up for two hours? That shit I could get behind.
I heard/read/imagined something concerning a theory that the 'monster' in this film was actually not a tangible entity, but instead the embodiment of depression. I guess that could make sense, sure, but if that's true, then I got about nine hundred questions about the ending, you know?

But seeing as I've already yammered on entirely too much as it is...let's just add one more rule to that list at the top:

Don't bother.


  1. I liked it even less than A Quiet Place which was beyond idiotic but it was better made than this. Why was Sarah Paulson talking about horsees so much, Rhodes role was mostly announcing he will open the door and people yelling at him not to etc. And that clumsy exposition about the demons from Get Out guy.... Ugh. But Gary is played by Tom Hollander who I love so much (he is In the Loop)

    1. That doesn't surprise me at all (even though I object to your use of 'idiotic'! [so rude], the fact that you liked AQP more.

      I have no idea what Paulson's deal was, but I loved Rhodes!! He was such a nice dude.

      But, yeah, Get Out dude needed to be infinitely better. Nothing about that guy made sense, including his heroic...uh, finale.

      In the Loop, you say? Hmm. Never heard of it.

  2. I'm down for Quiet Place Challenge.

    What did you think about nobody, ever, making the connection that blind people MOST LIKELY were absolutely fine and that none of them thought to seek them out? No? I liked this a lot, maybe not /cultural phenomenon/ but that lil nugget almost ruined it for me.

    1. Me too, Elina. Every single day.

      Looking back, it is a damn shame that no one thought of it...but, I'm not gonna lie, neither did I. But using that were basically invincible if you jammed a stick in each eye, which seems beyond ridiculous, right? Well, outside of the fact that you have sticks in your eyes...but still.

      Honestly, I enjoyed it, but I wouldn't be surprised if I end up hating it just on principle.

      Yeah, I'm that petty.

  3. I liked it.. I mean, it's not good but for Netflix, it's pretty darn good. And that's how I'm approaching Netflix films - comparing them to other Netflix films. Which is the only ay to go because they aren't really up the bar with the rest.. right? I mean Sandra was amazing, Rhodes as well but they didn't have enough support. One of my biggest beefs was the non-linear time line. It was so pointless imo.

    1. Everything you've said is fair. Bullock and Rhodes do solid work, the whole film is Netflix standards, and the other cast members were lacking. Agree, agree, AGREE.

      I didn't really think about the timeline mish-mash being pointless, but guess what? AGREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.

  4. Amen on Trevante Rhodes, he was my favorite part of this movie.

    I felt so sad when Girl offered to look.. I mean...her little face.

    1. Yep. He was the f--king man.

      Oh f--k me, Girl was so sweet. She's basically falling on her (tiny) sword and Bullock is like, 'well, if you insist.' HAhahahaha....poor kid.