Thursday, January 31, 2019

You will never be good enough.

EXT. IMPOSSIBLY WELL-LIT BEDROOM- NIGHT
After dinner at his parents house, GUY and GIRL lay in bed together, but facing in opposite directions.
GUY
Hey, what's wrong? Look at me. 

She turns, and it's clear she's been quietly crying.
GUY
Are you still thinking about what my mom said? She was drunk.

She turns away.

GUY
It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks, okay? I love you.

They kiss, and despite GIRL never removing her bra for some odd reason, they have passionate, fulfilling sex on a bed larger than the square footage of a normal person's entire living room. And after, no one  has to awkwardly flee the scene and go to the bathroom. They simply lay there. Forever.

FADE TO BLACK

Oh, Movies. You're so silly. All these years, you've been telling us that all you need is love, but let's cut the shit, right? Love's pretty rad, sure, but it ain't shit without peace. And the only way to ever get it? Well, you're going to need something stronger than love and peace combined. 

You're gonna need Mom. (and a way better screenplay)

There have probably been ten thousand movies that tell the same story that Crazy Rich Asians does (controlling mother initially tortures son's unsuspecting girlfriend for no good reason whatsoever, but ultimately it's because, despite having everything, she's a miserably empty person void of joy and human feelings but who'll naturally come around in the end) but that doesn't make the story any less enjoyable. In fact, for a film that was released just last year, Jon M. Chu's smash hit feels like something that could have been churned out by Old Hollywood, except thankfully no one's in f--king yellowface

In case you've never seen a romantic motion picture, here's Crazy Rich Asians, as boiled down by a moron: Rachel and Nick are young and in love in the only place where such a combination is allowed, wondrous New York City. Nick's about to be the best man in a wedding back home, and invites his gloriously beautiful/borderline perfect girlfriend to accompany him to Singapore. Turns out, as handsome as Nick is, he's also rich as f--k. And somehow, not only did Rachel not know this, but his sizable fortune is major f--king problem for just about everyone involved. Aw, that sucks. Good thing my wife married a penniless troll. 

On paper, these two characters should be battling in Hell for worst ever.
But in a shocking turn of events? Both Jeong and Awkwafina were kind of...amazing?
While there's no doubt the film's loaded with style, unfortunately I felt compelled to hire a private investigator to track down some substance, and all he came back with was a paper that said Treehorn on it and featured a pencil rub of some guy with a massive boner.

Anyway, between you and me, I didn't even mind that I've seen this story a zillion times before. The actors were all so charming, the women (and men) so sexy, the setting was so impossibly romantic (I need some Asia in my life, asap), I was swept off my feet regardless. Hell, even had I Birdboxed this sumbitch the entire time, the soundtrack alone makes this a must watch, er...listen, assuming you're into rad Chinese covers...like I am. Apparently.

My man. You read the rules, right?
Yellow-tinted glasses or unbuttoned Hawaiian shirt. You can't have both.
Speaking of random things only liked by shiftless loners, here are the Yays and Boos. I had my parents log into my Vudu to give this a watch first, and they both reported back, It was fine. Really? According to my watchlist, you bitches didn't even watch the last twenty-five minutes. Anything you care to share? It's okay. I'll wait.

My face when someone still comments on this blog.
Yaaaaaaaaaaay!
  • Buying the whole establishment? Hmm. That's one way to deal with institutional racism.
  • I need some more Kitty Pong in my life, you know? Anybody got a copy of 2 Girls 1 Cup of Noodles they can loan me?
  • My goodness, everything about Constance Wu is just so...lovely, right? Here's hoping she's in the sequel. To all films.
  • Speaking of people who should be in everything, can we get Nico Santos in some more stuff please? Ollie the rainbow sheep ruled.
  • Then eat your nuggets!
  • The last time anybody had that much fun in international waters, Furious George won a monkey knife fight.
  • Gemma Chan is going to be in Captain Marvel? So you're telling me there's a chance...that I enjoy that film? (if heaven has a PA system, the only logical assumption is that it's Astrid's)
  • I don't recall why the phrase a clown's tampon was used, but I am still in complete favor of it.
  • Gotta be honest with you, the only Mahjong I ever remember was whatever came with my Compaq Presario (and I had no idea what was going on). But this? This? This looks like the best game in the history of the universe (and I had no idea what was going on).
  • Of all the sweeping grand gestures this movie was full of, my favorite moment might just be Nick closing everyone's overhead bin.
  • And finally, with this film's success, there seem to be whispers suggesting that, gasp!, it's okay to have Asian people in big Hollywood films. While I'd personally file that under No shit, Sherlock, let me mockingly applaud this total revelation. All bullshit aside, I'm genuinely happy for anyone that feels included, seeing this story, with these characters, on the big screen. 

YES! Oh, you weren't asking me.
Uh...*immediately drowns self*
Boooooo...
...ooooo!
  • Can I sign up for a fictional character's collegiate class? No? Fine. Can I just teach college instead? No? Aw.
  • First Class. It used to be a better meal, now it's a better life. Or if that luxurious plane went down, a better death. 
  • Yes, I loved them all, but still. Did everyone have to be so sexy? I'm pretty sure I'd, uh, make dumplings with the grandmother, ifyaknowwhatImean...
  • Who's this asshole eyeing up my girl, Rachel? Back to filing your Pokemon cards, Asian Napoleon Dynamite, or you might get cut.
  • I once had a Japanese girlfriend back in high school. And like Rachel, I was very nervous when I first met her parents. Good thing I avoided ever doing that, and just honked the horn. (this is a true story...and I'm not That Guy [but I was])
  • Attention, Movies. I'm old as f--k. Stop putting important information in text messages. I actually had to rewind it, press pause, and like an asshole, walk across the room. I'll take a nonsensical read-a-loud if necessary (and I won't even put it in the Boos when you do it).
  • Small tits. F--k him up, Nick. F--k. Him. Up.
  • A dead fish in the bed...during a bachelorette party...on an private island. Does any of this make sense to you? 'Cause I'm very confused.
  • Good thing I've already had a wedding, because you folks that haven't? Good luck topping that shit. (still not sure if the flooding of the aisle impressed or enraged me...maybe both?)
  • As much as I love Astrid, uh, girl, don't nobody give a rat's ass about your marital crisis, mmkay?
  • And finally, the incredible Michelle Yeoh plays the villain, Eleanor Young (Nick's mom). I've pretty much loved Yeoh in everything I've ever seen her in. But here? In this? It was damn near impossible. I've seen her devastate many a worthy adversary, but it was usually with her feet. Or a sword. Turns out her most lethal finishing move is a look of disapproval.
You know, I'm pretty sure that my own mother-in-law approves of me (for the most part, anyway), and she should, obviously. I mean, who else in the family has something as rare and coveted as a movie blog, right? It's totally gonna put her grandchildren through college one day. At least that's what I tell myself (when I'm done crying).

The real tough nut to crack, however, would likely be my mom. Depending on the day, good f--king luck getting her approval. She's can be pretty tough to read at times/always, and may end up hating you for something you didn't actually do. Imagine that, huh? A hard-ass mother-in-law you never really know where you stand with?

Never heard that one before...

7 comments:

  1. I agree with you in that even though I've seen this film 1000 times, this one is just charming as hell. It's one of my favorite rom coms now. It just felt special.

    And I was obsessed with all the costumes.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I've already watched it twice and could probably watch it again no problem. It was so light and...gorgeous, you know?

      HAhaha...yeah, they were fantastic.

      Delete
  2. Oh I loved that wedding scene! It was lovely. You are so right about it being awesome that a movie with this much representation was such a huge success. And points for Big Lebowski reference!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Goodness, it made my wedding look like the 1700s. We just walked down a regular aisle...and no one turned into fireflies. Ugh. So lame.

      Ah, thank you. My friend dropped a killer Lebowski reference on me this week, so I took it as a challenge.

      Delete
  3. I admire the movie for what it stands for and how beautiful it all looked but man... where was the story? I felt like it was a very washed out plot and I actually watched it in two sittings... a whole week and a half between them. Needless to say, I didn't get the hype... it sure was pretty tho.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yep yep yeppppppp. It actually took me two sitting as well (and then a re-watch with my wife) to get through, but even if it was rather, uh, hollow, I still really enjoyed it.

      (But to your point...not sure I *really* get the hype, either)

      Delete
  4. Love this review! And holy shit, this is me: "Stop putting important information in text messages. I actually had to rewind it, press pause, and like an asshole, walk across the room." I'm not at the walk-across-the-room phase yet, but I'm slowly approaching it for sure.

    ReplyDelete