All you gotta do is trust me.

Before fangirling was a thing (at least by name), as a seventeen year-old man...boy?...dickhead, what have you, I couldn't help but to ruin your roommates bathrobe over the then ubiquitous singer-songwriter Jewel. Oh, it didn't hurt that she was absolutely stunning, sure, but up until that point I hadn't yet realized the power one person holding one guitar could have over me. Even with her small hands, I obsessively scoured the world for rarities and B-sides, and even saw her live on more than one occasion (front row once, too - my goodness). I uh, may have even had a poster or two in my dormroom. Or ten.

Eventually, I would move on to a steady diet of pop-punk and alternative, with multi-year stops in rap and rock. And while I would dabble in electronica, Motown and even bluegrass for a minute or two, there's nothing I've ever loved more than a beautiful woman singing an incredible song.

Well, you know, other than a beautiful man doing the same...

Turns out, after finally seeing A Star is Born, Bradley Cooper was meant for me, and I was meant for him. After two stints as Rocket Racoon (in addition to all his other work), I didn't think it was feasible that I could love Mr. Cooper any more, but after pressing play on Maybe It's Time for the 14,000,605th time, well, here we are. And as much as everyone (rightfully) lost their shit over what Lady Gaga did in this film, it's Cooper's performance that knocked me on my ass.

I mean...holy shit, right?

But as much as I love(d?)  what Cooper did as Jackson Maine, I wanted to love everything else just as much, and perhaps surprisingly, I did not. It was a good film, maybe even a great one, but even though I was completely invested in these characters, for whatever reason, A Star Is Born didn't wreck me like I thought it would. Since I was way late to the party, it was just about common knowledge that this f--ker would leave even the most hardened a-hole in emotional shambles, but here's the thing: I wasn't sad when the movie was over. I was f--king pissed. But more on that in a minute...

Hopefully they're writing a remake of Music and Lyrics.

After a kickass gig one night, rock icon Jackson Maine hits up a drag bar for a quick drink. There, he's immediately smitten with a young woman named Ally, and the two fall in love with alarming efficiency (though, to be fair, I loved Maine probably three seconds into the film...so, yeah...no problems here). Unfortunately Jack's a drunk, and even the bliss of finding (and singing with/to) Ally isn't enough to silence the demons he's been battling for years. And as her star rises, unfortunately...and spectacularly, his plummets, seemingly without any way to stop it from happening.

The whole thing is beyond heartbreaking, no doubt, but we've seen this story enough times to know that the only available outcome is a two-footed kick in the balls. Frankly, if I'd have got the ending I so desperately wanted, I would have likely been pissed for how unrealistic it turned out to be, but at least that version of frumpy movie reviewer Guy seems a bit more likable. Because the asshole I currently am? Well, he's no fun either.

Speaking of the absence of joy, here are the Yays and Boos. In case you failed to notice, in case you failed to see, these f--kers are all about games, foolish or otherwise.

It's never too late to share with your girl a nursery rhyme....
Mary, Mary quite contrary...

YaaaaaaaaaaaaAy!

• The title card was so rad. Honestly, I feel like most movies are stepping it up in this regard.
• At first I was convinced that Cooper was just doing his best Sam Elliot, which I was more than fine with. And then when the actual Sam Elliot showed up, (somehow I forgot he was in this), I almost felt like I was drunk on that good sasparilla.
• Those are some really nice boobs....sir?
• I don't remember her friend's name, but that dude was beyond awesome. I was worried that he was going to screw things up somehow, but nope. Just a solid supporting character top-to-bottom (a rarity of sorts, no?)
• Speaking of solid support, how about Ally just slugging that guy at the bar? I wish my wife would punch some a-hole at the bar, you know? Fine, I actually wish she'd just go to a bar. Okay, okay. I just want her to get drunk.
• Really, Ally? Really? You're just gonna absolutely nail it in a parking lot, like it's no big thing? For f--k's sake that was amazing...
• Dude, the Diceman cometh. Andrew Dice Clay was so good, right? Maybe we could finally get that Ford Fairlane sequel?
• While were on Pops, can we slow clap for his friends? Whoever these a-holes are, I need more of them in my life.
• Despite my love of female singers, I've never been a big fan Lady Gaga (outside of that video where she's riding around in the Pussy Wagon with Beyoncé killing shit). That said, and this is the direct opposite of newsflash, she is an absolute f--king powerhouse vocally. My goodness. I knew...but I didn't....know, know. And now I do. Know. Are you still reading this?
• I think the song says love, but what they world truly needs now is a grizzled Dave Chappelle dropping truths left and right. That's what there's too little of.
• A guitar string ring? That's...awesome. (and economical)
• Damn that adorable ass dog. I knew he was gonna make this worse.
• And finally, if there was any doubt about the existence of movie magic, Hell, actual magic, even if you've heard the song a zillion times, holy shit the scene where they first sing Shallows is an absolute show-stopper. By the time my wife and I finally watched this movie, Lady Gaga's haunting ... uh.... vocals/guttural moaning... was damn near ubiquitous, and we were still individually and collectively floored. I'd say it's one of the best performances ever...but what's funny, is it might not even the best performance of that particular song (first place goes to the Oscar-night version, you know, the one where the world collectively jizzed its pants and the Coopers filed for divorce)

Sibling rivalry or not, who f--ks with Sam Elliot? 

Boooooooo...

...oooooooo!

• (we watched this the night before the Oscars...that's how far behind I am)
• Cooper can really sing? And play the guitar? And be handsome and seemingly a good person? Dick move, Brad.
• So I wrote both wtf is this French song? and this song at the drag club is amazing. I'd like to uh, assume they're two different songs, right? Or is this the moment, simultaneously with you, I'm realizing I'm totally out of my mind (like when Gwyneth Paltrow reads her dad's mathematical formulas at the end of Proof).
• Forgetting Sam Elliot is in a movie seems like something to not cheer for. So, yeah. Let's do that.
• Wait. You can just quit a job you hate like that? I thought you had to keep going for years until you die at your desk and the students don't even notice till three days later.
• Dude, Maine seems like a good guy and all, but uh, was it just a wee bit creepy when he sort of appeared in her room? For me, it was only marginally worse than if she'd been taking a dump and there he is, submerged in the toilet, in full scuba gear.
• That horrible visual aside, did it all seem a bit quick? 
• I've never been drunk, so what do I know, but it sure as shit doesn't seem like something you'd want to be good at.
• What is this, the Taylor Swift story? I didn't understand how this brilliant singer/songwriter comes out of nowhere with this country dude...and they turn her into a pop star? Like, hey, aren't you that chick that just killed it on stage singing a duet with Jackson Maine? Couldn't we stick to that?
• And the winner...for fakest billboard in the history of cinema...goes to...
• My wife and I kind of joked that there wasn't really any conflict in the first hour or so, and we might have exchanged two or three (or eleven) of those old must be nice glances, as (jealous) couples tend to do. But when there finally was a real conflict? I WANTED NONE OF IT.
• You're just f--king ugly. I. Almost. Died.
• No lie. I looked away when it happened on stage. I knew I was watching a movie...in my house...months and months after the scene in the movie had been recorded. And even still, nope. I just couldn't do it. The shaaaaame!
• Holy shit, the only thing worse than a suicide attempt, is a suicide attempt that no one notices.
• Why they gotta have Charlie do that right there? And more importantly, why am I not bawling?
• And finally, my main beef with this movie? That motherf--king asshole Rez Gavron. Why is this guy not the biggest f--king villain of 2018? Sure, Thanos wiped out half the population, but goodness, odds are half of the half were probably huge f--king pricks anyway, right? I mean, hi-five on that shit. But this guy? This dickbag ruins everything and totally gets away with it. It was bad enough he killed Ally's burgeoning career as a country star, but then this sock-less/dick-less c-nt kills something much more important to me, er, us, you know? F--k this guy right in his stupid f--king face. 

Clearly, there's some hurt feelings when it comes to my opinion of A Star is Born, but like anything, I'll get over it. I mean, there was a day I never thought I'd listen to anything other than Pieces of You, but thankfully, I moved on with my life (and if I listened to Adrian again, I think I'd drown myself in a canoe). I guess just don't get obsessed with female singers any more like I used to.

Though, I just discovered The Mowglis ( though I'm not even sure they're still together) and their female singer, Katie Jayne Earl, absolutely kills me with her voice. Might not be a bad idea to acquire everything she's ever recor---

Maybe it's time we let the old w----- Alright, alright, Jackson.

I get it.