Mom, what's wrong with your body?

For the last year or so, we've been thinking about having another child. Intentionally. Being that my wife just recently returned to work full-time, from a logistical standpoint, a baby isn't really the best idea. Add to that the fact that Mrs. Two Dollar Cinema also just turned forty (I'm currently an impressively spry...thirty-nine), and another kid likely isn't a good call from any standpoint.

Besides, you hear all these horror stories about the things that can go wrong during pregnancies (why do people love to talk about this?) and it's (more than) enough to make you dial back the let's have another talk and simply quit while you're ahead. My wife and I already have two kick-ass kids, sometimes I think having another would be akin to pressing our luck.

No matter how much fun it could be, with an uncertain ending looming...

...I'm just not sure it's ultimately worth it.

May the Fourth be with you, new moms.

Though the actual premise had slipped my mind, word that Jason Reitman's Tully had a divisive ending did not. So much so, in fact, that it was all I could think about for much of the films ninety-seven minute run-time. What could possibly happen that would upset so many people. Does someone ---

Oh. THAT.

Before THE ENDING, Tully tells the remarkably unremarkable tale of Marlo (Charlize Theron, in full-chameleon form), a tired mom, who is, when the film opens, days away from having her third child. Her youngest, the 'quirky' Jonah, is a bit of a handful (to say the least), and there seems to be some sort of loose talk about 'it' happening again.  Her wealthy brother (my [imaginary] best friend Mark Duplass) offers up the ultimate present for a new(ish) mom: a night nanny.

Apparently, heaven is real and angels exist, and oddly enough can be hired to enter your house at night and care for your infant child. WHILE YOU SLEEP. Though I never had too much trouble sleeping through the night (my pillow isn't the greatest, but I'll live), turns out it can be quite a bitch for the mother of a newborn. Enter Tully, an energetic and enigmatic twenty-something who will not only take the baby, but she'll also make bomb-ass cupcakes in the process. Oh, and she'll ride dad like a wild horse if you ask her - wait, WHAT?



Anyhow, while I really enjoyed the performances and the story, Tully is an unsettling dramedy that ventures into straight horror territory (I blame Duplass for this, always). Nothing portrayed here is unrrealistic, but by editing out most of (if not all) of the simple joys - the quiet moments, motherhood has never looked so motherf--king terrifying. You half expect Marlo to just lose her shit and snap, so it's a good thing she never does. She just puts on a face and trudges through it...probably a lot like my wife did. Or does?

Oh, f--k me. I think I gotta go...

I'm telling you, if Blockbuster was still around, I'm going full Project Mayhem
and placing all the copies of Tully in Horror.

Speaking of people I should probably take better care of, let's check in with the Yays and Boos. They really are so adorable at this age. *checks calendar* Oh, shit. They're almost nine. Scratch that. (sorry, Matty)

Though not as sexy as Rebecca De Mornay...
...at least Tully will (eventually) give your baby back.

Yaaaaaaay!

• Holy shit, not only do I get my main man Duplass, but you're also gonna hit me with Ron Livingston? *sigh* What's next, Paul Giamatti?
• Oh God, the jogging scene.
• Aw, that karaoke scene with her little girl was so adorable. I can't wait to sing Call Me Maybe with my little one. Or without, if I'm honest (/pathetic).
• Did Tully really just squeeze milk out of Marlo's breasts? Oh, thank God. I thought she was going to use another method for extraction, and that was really going to be a dilly of a pickle for me. I mean, on the one hand...niiiiice. But on the other (less sweaty) hand? No no no no no no no.
• I feel like I've really been missing out on this Gigolos show. Seems rather...educational, no?
• Can we put our hands together for Tully? Yes, she's a bit...much, but goodness, she's quite the go-getter. Whenever someone hands me a stranger's baby, I'm counting the seconds till I can hand it back. But Tully? She's keeping that little bastard as long as you need her to. Admirable.
• And finally, I think we're all sleeping on Charlize Theron whenever we discuss the best actors working today. I know that it's all subjective (and entirely arbitrary), sure, but too many discussions are had that omit the unstoppable force that Theron is in front of the camera. Her role in Tully isn't even her best work, but holy shit it's soooo good. Guys get infinite credit when they transform for a role (think Christian Bale in...anything), but what she does here is truly bananas. Like, lots of bananas.

I can still hear this sound in my sleep.

Booooooooooo!

• Wait, was that a principal worrying about the other 24 kids in the room? Is that even a thing?
• I wanna kill myself. Uh, no. 
• Shasta, her brother's nanny, seems like she'd be a real hit at parties. 
• Set designers, costume people, Hell, lighting crew, could we uh, just for a minute or two, could we go ahead and dial back the frump? Like, maybe bring it down from infinity to something a bit more manageable, perhaps?
• F--k me, the pumping and storing of breastmilk was like bumping into an old roommate you thought you'd never see again. The one that f--ked up getting your deposit back. Like, Hey good to see you...but, uh...let's never do this again.
• Whatever his deal is, there is no excuse for kicking the back of the driver's seat. NO. EXCUSE.
• Ron, I love you dude, but, uh...maybe less XBOX? You're kinda making us all look bad, my man. Like, beyond bad.
• Cupcakes are rad. But you have to make enough for everyone, dammit.
• The whole 'waitress outfit' thing had me cringing so hard I thought I might bit my bottom lip off. 
• This whole trip to the city seemed like a bad idea from the get go, didn't it? Even before grand theft bicycle.
• And finally, f--k it, but I'm going to throw my hat in the ring of f--k this ending - but not for the reason you might be thinking. I respect how much it knocked me on my ass (always a plus), but goddamned if it isn't the most depressing thing ever. Here I am thinking hey, this isn't so bad and then BOOM! You're right, it isn't so bad...it's f--king terrible. And it's partly my fault! Anybody want to kick Dodger while we're here?

I lied to you in the beginning of this post, only because it's the way I always say it. Yes, we've been thinking about having another, true, it's the part where I said 'for the last year or so' that's misleading. Our youngest is going to be six (!) in just over three months, and my wife and I have been kicking the tires on another kid since Violet's third birthday, Hell, maybe even her second. 

And though I finally think we're gonna officially close up shop any day now, occasionally, when we're out and we see a newborn, there's an unspoken agreement that we'll each get extra quiet. Not only because that's how you should be around babies (unless you're a f--king monster), and not only to potentially hear adorable baby sounds, but also in hopes that you might be able to catch the little one's name, which sadly, is kind of fun. 

But if this is truly ever going to end, that baby can have only one name. One name that will put the kibosh on all this should we? talk once and for all.  And obviously, that name is Tully.

Though Snip-Snip might do it, too.