I'm a snake.

There's room at the top. Just not enough to sit down.

I'm not sure if my dad stole that line, but of all the advice he's ever given me - that's the bit that stuck. I was probably seventeen at the time, and even at peak I KNOW EVERYTHING, OLD MAN those words not only penetrated, but they actually made sense. You can make it - you just have to work hard. Always.

I wish I could tell you that in the two-plus decades since that conversation, I have proven his words true, but I think I'd be lying on both fronts. I'm not sure I've ever worked that hard, and the payoff...uh...I do okay? (He was talking about money, right?)

While I wish I had that type-A fire, I simply don't and likely never will. Honestly, I'm about as relaxed a guy as you'd ever meet. Not like, Dude-level, but pretty close. Never too high, never too low. Hell, I rarely get upset about anything...

...even shit that's entirely stupid and unfair.

Oh, Laggies, how you've put my in an uncomfortable spot. Typically I'm okay with young people trying to figure it out (though my thoughts here might suggest otherwise), and generally speaking I love Keira Knightley doing just about anything, but good God, f--k all this noise. My dad told me I couldn't sit at the top, fine, but I didn't know it was because there's all these a-holes just laying the f--k around.

Foolishly stripped of her accent, Knightley plays Megan, a woman in her late twenties still hanging out, playing Nintendo. Her (awful) friends have grown up (represented here by being married and/or pregnant [lame]) and seems like ol' Meg should probably follow suit. But even with a shockingly supportive boyfriend (of the high-school sweetheart variety, naturally), she can't seem to find any footing whatsoever in adulthood. So, she concocts a plan (plan might be overstating it, more like if bracing yourself before going through a windshield could be considered planning) to turn her life around: she volunteers at a local orphanage and teaches parent-less children how to express themselves through cooking.

Oh, wait - sometimes my notes are hard to read. *adjusts imaginary glasses* My mistake, she actually just DISAPPEARS FROM SOCIETY AND MOVES IN WITH A HIGH SCHOOL GIRL SHE MET A F--KING GROCERY STORE.

Truthfully, Megan isn't a bad person, but what obviously drove me out of my skull is how no matter the size of the f--k-up, she just keeps...winning. And not even by design! She does something no adult should ever do, it blows up in her face, and one furrowed brow and bit lip later it's raining Skittles on a basket full of puppies. Pretty sure if I got caught driving drunk with a car full of high school kids the only thing raining down on me would be urine from my cellmate's bunk.

Mark Webber needs to man the f--k up.

Anyway, while repeated good fortune shouldn't necessarily be a punishable offense, I'm finding myself increasingly irritated with these new-school coming-of-age stories. Fine, it's not like I toiled away in a factory for years on my good leg, but for f--k's sake, people - can't we at least break a sweat? Sure, Megan's dad has enabled her for years - but what's her real excuse? She never fit in? Here's a tip, sweetheart, most of us don't. The sooner you learn that the better, as most adults are f--king weirdos. Take it from a guy who literally just typed that on his movie blog.

Speaking of things I've also reluctantly typed, maybe we should have a secret sleepover with the Yays and Boos. I'll warm some water, you bring the Sharpies.

It's pretty much impossible to hate Knightley in anything.
Even a kitchen.

Yaaaaaaaaaay!

• Even if she's uptight and borderline awful, I'll take Ellie Kemper any way I can get her.
• Same for Mark Webber, though here he's making Bryant Gumbel look like Malcolm X.
• Okay, I kind of wanted to hate it, but screw it. That was a helluva first dance.
• As someone who has been in an inner-city classroom for over a decade, I've come across some wild names. But Jupiter...with two Ps? Top shelf lunacy, right there (I'm still giving the gold to the girl who had three apostrophes in her name [including two that surrounded an L]).
• I think anyone who tries to pay their bar tab with a Blockbuster card should basically get drinks on the house. Forever.
• For a cheating a-hole, I kind of liked Megan's dad, you know? He's a giant f--k up, who has basically created another giant f--k up...but he's also pretty chill. I mean, my dad is kind of cool, but I'm not sure he's pick you up at jail cool.
• I'm not sure if it was a prom dress or a wedding dress, but regardless, I was a fan. I think my lap is bending like Beckham.
• As much as I have been dunking on Megan, I will give her infinite respect for taking the blame during the car crash. That took some stones, you know? 
• You guys, Junior's prom date is totally gonna shoot someone in Laggies 2: Hunting Season.
• And finally, thank all that is holy for Sam f--king Rockwell showing up in this one. Not only does Mr. Rockwell own in everything ever, but his turn as Cool Dad damn near saved this entire endeavor. Even though I wish he'd tossed Megan out into the street upon discovering her ruse, I respect the fact that he instantly peppered her with what we were all thinking. Why are you here? Why are you hanging out with my kid? Where did your beautiful accent go? (okay, that last one was me). Anyway, at the very least, this dude seemed to be familiar with the concept of adulthood, so that's a plus.

I'm not even getting in the car, but I'm still calling shotgun.

Boooooooooooo!

• Even if would have made zero sense, you gotta keep the accent. You just have to.
• While she symbolically ripped his dick off by pulling him up from proposing, I think graphically portraying an actual severed penis would have been less cringe-worthy.
• F--k this plan, man. I'd rather lay low under moving traffic than hang out with high school kids for more than twenty consecutive minutes. Yeah, some of them are actually pretty f--king cool, but Hit-Girl and her crew? Uh, not so much.
• What the f--k, that the nicest Grocery Outlet ever. Ours looks like the place you'd drive to blindfolded to by parrots.
• Sam, you're my man and all, but how the f--k you gonna let this grown woman move into your guest room and your life? You're divorced, sure. But this ain't it.
• I'm not sure I can overstate how unrelentingly terrible the scene with the turtle is. But trust me, you'd be better off sticking something adorable and quirky in your eyes instead. Honestly, whoever said we should leave that in! needs to have both Leonardo and Donatello beat them into a coma.
• The only thing worse than actually dropping out of society to hang with some high school kids is telling everyone you're at career camp instead. 
• Goodness, Bad Mom. How about we hand out the thongs after the rekindling, maybe not during?
• Being that I run in some pretty fancy circles, this alleged romantic gesture that Sam Rockwell pulls off had been shared my way on more than one occasion. And between you and me, that shit was terrifying. Unless you're a pepper spray salesman looking to meet your quarterly, I'd bury that video as soon as possible. Guh-ross.
• Still not sure about Misty, honestly. Cool chick...or total d-hole? Thoughts?
• Just so we're clear, Megan might just be the least likable protagonist in the history of modern cinema. That shit at the airport was cold as f--k. At least turn him loose before you're at the gate. No way he's getting that ticket refunded that late in the game.
• And finally, we were supposed to be happy with this ending? Because (clearly) I sure wasn't. Megan has basically destroyed the lives of just about everyone she meets...and it all works out in the end? The f--k is this? Was I supposed to clap when Thanos got his farm, too? She was a selfish f--king monster who shattered countless lives on the way to living her dream. F--k her.

Today in class, after two hours of state testing, a group of my students asked me how old I was. When I told them thirty-nine, they all snickered together in one of those huddles only middle-school girls would be comfortable in. We thought you were much older, Mr. Brown. 

And when one of them implied that I wore a wedding ring for no reason (we all know you're really single [this girl is funny, so I almost encourage this nonsense]), all I could manage for a comeback was, yeah, well at least I passed sixth grade.

But then I thought about it for a second. Grades don't matter. State tests? Totally irrelevant. Who needs to sit or stand at the top? I heard they don't even get good coverage up there. And besides, no matter how terrible of a person you are...it'll all work out in the end.


(trust me)